Constipation of the Word Processor

Once again, I find myself in the position of apologizing for my absence from the blogosphere. I’ve been a bad blogger buddy here of late again. People have, on more than one occasion, accused me of having diarrhea of the word processor. Lately, it seems to have turned to constipation. That, or I just don’t give a crap anymore.

Sorry, I couldn’t resist the easy joke.

Semi-seriously, as usual, I’ve been busier than the proverbial one armed, one legged paper hanger in a butt kickin’ contest. On top of the usual daily activities of life and work which interfere with my ability to commune with my readership, I turn 40 on Wednesday which means I’m in the middle of planning my midlife crisis.

I mean, you do have to plan those things. Don’t you? Otherwise you wind up with a crappy midlife crisis and lose your job after sleeping with the wrong co-worker in the back seat of that snazzy convertible you can’t afford.

Since I’m hopelessly in love with my wife and really don’t want to find out what God or my wife would do to me if I violated the seventh commandment, a mistress is out of the question. Besides, it’s not like I have a lot of opportunity. Working from home seriously impacts my interaction with just about everyone on the planet.

I do like cars, but I’ve lost my love affair with going deeply into debt for a $30,000 plus toy which is the price of poker for even the most basic new sports car. Drop a gently used and/or easily restorable/customizable 1970 Datsun 240Z in my lap for a reasonable price, and you might get my attention though.

Motorcycles are kinda the same thing as the car thing but at a lower price point.

Airplanes…oooo. Please don’t get me started. Even the rattiest, airworthy used airplane is going to set you back more than a new car not including the hangar fees, the price of avgas (and you thought 87 octane dino wine for your car was steep at $3.50 or more a gallon…you’re so funny) and the price of annual inspections and overhaul reserves. You might as well pick up bank robbery as a hobby ‘cause that’s about the only way you can afford to feed an airplane.

So, that leaves me with guns.

The problem with guns is that I can’t just stop at one. It kinda reminds of the Rutger Hauer movie “Split Second”. There’s a scene where Rootbeer’s partner has just encountered the homicidal creature for the first time and figures out why Rootbeer’s character has gone off the deep end. They find themselves in the gun locker at the police station ranting about needing more guns and each gun that gets picked up is “NOT BIG ENOUGH.”

That’s about the way I’d be with guns if I didn’t have other priorities. You can’t have too many or too big.

And it doesn’t help that I came across Michael Zimmerman’s list of the 10 Most Manly Guns and discovered (to my horror) that I’ve only owned 3 of the 10 (I got rid of the Glock for reasons that remain dim in my memory, but I was never very happy with it anyway). If you add Zimmerman’s 10 More Manly Guns list, I’ve owned 4 of the 20.

Then there’s this guy I know up in Utah. When the war starts, I’ll be knocking, very politely I might add, on his door. This guy has more guns than most gun stores. His basement is full of guns and ammo and reloading equipment. I mean FULL. He has two file cabinets. One drawer is .357 magnum revolvers. The next drawer is 1911 .45 semi autos. The next drawer is…you get the idea. His root cellar which is about 5 or 6 feet wide and 20 or so feet long has rifles lining the walls floor to ceiling. He estimated, conservatively, that he had over 200 guns worth well over $150,000. I’m pretty sure he had all 20 of the guns on Zimmerman’s lists. 10 times over.

And people say I’m obsessed?

All this means, of course, is that I have to rectify this as soon as possible by obtaining more guns.

Unfortunately, thanks to President Obama and a (up until recently) super majority Democrat controlled Congress, every redneck on the planet is clinging to their guns and Bibles very tightly and buying more of each at every opportunity. For those of you who slept through the chapter on the Law of Supply and Demand in your economics class, this means that guns you could have purchased for $500 a year or two ago are now going to set you back $750 or more depending on how popular it is. Some guns, like those dreaded assault rifles which are feared by so many who haven’t got a clue, can’t be touched for less than $1000. A really nice over/under shotgun is going to cost you a minimum of $2000.

So, if you’re like me and like guns…a lot, you’ll get close to the new car price point pretty quick.

Since I know my readership loves me dearly and really want to help a brother out in his quest to have the perfect midlife crisis, I thought I would submit my list of guns that I’d really like to have in case you were stumped on what to get me for my birthday or just wanted to donate some cash to the cause. Here, in no particular order of desire, are the weapons I want to add to my arsenal:

1. Ruger Mark III Hunter .22 LR (model # 10118 in the Ruger catalog). This is a pretty pistol. It’s man jewelry for those who appreciate shooting with precision. The stainless steel frame dressed with pretty rosewood grips joins up with a 6.88” fluted barrel that screams “SHOOT ME NOW, SHOOT ME OFTEN!!!!”. I was truly disappointed that the Ruger didn’t make Zimmerman’s list. I mean, COME ON, Sly Stallone and Antonio Banderas both used the Ruger, suitably modified with a silencer, as their weapons of choice in the movie “Assassins”. If it’s good enough for Stallone, it’s good enough for me.

2. Ruger 10/22 Target model .22LR rifle (model #1121). This is like the Japanese tuner car of small caliber target rifles. You can do anything with this puppy. You could easily spend $1000 customizing this gun which is a pretty good piece straight out of the box. My mom bought the carbine version of this rifle as her first gun last year, and it has me seriously wanting to trade my Marlin 60 on one of these.

3. A 1911 platform .45 ACP Government Model semi auto pistol (I’d settle for the Commander size if I had to). I haven’t quite narrowed down which particular brand and model I want yet. I might just have to get several to be safe. I have shot the Kimber and loved it. I have shot a Colt Government Model which is what started my desire for one of these pistols (years and years ago, but the memory is still fresh and crisp in my mind). I have been eyeing the Taurus PT1911 here lately and wouldn’t mind trying one since I had good luck with Taurus products previously. Of course, if there were a generous soul out there who wanted to bequeath to me a Les Baer or Wilson Combat custom 1911, I might name my first born child after that person.

4. Browning Citori over/under 12 gauge Shotgun. I don’t care who you are, this is a nice gun.

5. AR-15 or M4. I’m not picky about the maker. I have shot the Rock River Arms version and had no complaints. I know I have absolutely no need for one of these, but I don’t care. I just want one.

6. A really nice .30-06 or .300 Win Mag rifle. This is another area where I have not yet decided which one to go with. I have shot the Remington Model 700 Sendero in .308 and liked it real nice. I have heard others speak kindly of the Weatherby brand. I hear some good stuff about Savage, too. I just want a nice, accurate rifle with which to hunt deer, elk, zombies and the occasional rioter. I’m not asking for much am I?

7. Springfield M1A Super Match. I want it ‘cause it’s a way tricked out and updated M1 Garand.

8. Navy Arms 1875 Scofield Founder’s model .45LC. It was good enough for Jesse James. Need I say more?

9. Smith & Wesson Model 686 .357 magnum with a 6” barrel. I saw these when they were first released back in the 80s and fell in love at first site. At least, I fell in love with the stainless steel version with the polished wood, contoured grips.

I’ll be going to the gun show this weekend before heading down to mom’s to shoot stuff. Feel free to tag along and bestow your generosity on me. I won’t protest one bit. I promise.

*3/9/10 Update - I spent a little time on number 6 today. I think I've narrowed it down to the Browning A-Bolt M-1000 Eclipse, but I'm not sure if I want the BOSS option or not. I need to do a little more reading on that part.