The Pen Is Mightier Than The Sword...

...unless it's a .50 BMG Pen.

In which case, the .50 BMG Pen has an effective range in excess of 2600 yards. This was a recent gift from Mimi. I just have to remember to keep it out of my carry on bags when traveling. I'm pretty sure TSA would not allow this pen on a plane.

Fold, Spindle & Mutilate

So, I got this package in the mail today. The company I am currently temping through thought it would be a good idea to send me a birthday present. I wasn't expecting it since I don't spend a lot of time thinking about my birthday or the fact that I'm on a one way banana peel ride that ends in a pile of ashes. So, kudos to the company for sending a token gift.

The U.S. Postal Service, however, gets no such kudos.

Before I show you the results of the expert package handling skills of the USPS, we must first set the stage.

When I opened the package, there was a lovely birthday card upon which some anonymous staffer had handwritten a birthday greeting. There were a few pieces of candy for enjoyment. A business card...presumably in case I forgot who sends the paychecks.

And this...

Drinkware you say?

There was some rather suspicious rattling in the packaging which I initially attributed to the aforementioned candy. Imagine my amusement when I saw this come out of the package.

It was drinkware-like at one time

Sadly, the tips for enhancing the enjoyment of my new drinkware were rendered moot.

It was the thought that counts I suppose.

Silliness

A gift from number one follower and all around best bud. He knows me too well. I don't care if 9mm is cheaper than or just as effective as .45ACP. I like .45s because I like making bigger holes in things.

The Queen spotted this at the local Walmart the other day. Yes, it is exactly what it says it is. Yes, it's juvenile and immature. I must have it.

An Early Father's Day Present From M&M

I have the sweetest, smartest little girl in the world. M&M and The Queen were out shopping on Friday as they killed time before Niece Twig's high school graduation.

Somewhere in that sea of 1400 kids is my niece Twig

Amazingly enough, Twig was able to spot us in the crowd and wave to us. It was cute.

Anycrowd, The Queen and M&M picked me up at the office so we could all travel to American Airlines Center together for the graduation ceremony. As they arrived, I was handed a bag with small gift and card. The Queen advised me that M&M picked out both.

First, the gift.

M&M knows Daddy Hawk loves him some airplanes. She picked this one out especially for me, and she could not have done better. The Chance Vought F4U Corsair just happens to be one of my all time favorite aircraft from when I was growing up. The gull wings...the big radial engine...one of the fastest planes of its time...what's not to like? Now that I'm older and have actually flown planes, I know what's not to like. It's still a gorgeous aircraft though. Skipper sits on my desk here at the office now.

But wait...M&M also selected a card for Daddy Hawk. Before I show it to you, you have to know that M&M really did select this one. The Queen showed her a lot of cards, and M&M insisted that THIS card was the one she wanted to get me. Remember...she is still only two and a half years old.

Since she can't read yet, I feel safe in saying that she was thinking that the donkey with the googley eyes was funny.

So, there you have it. Father's Day came early for me. I couldn't be happier (well...short of M&M giving me a 1911...which will require her to have money of her own...which is a ways off). 

Oddities: Lingerie

I present this without further comment:

The Queen, however, mentioned something about Pez dispensers.

I Must Have Been a Good Boy

I tried updating the previous post to add this, but Blogger for iPad and going through the Google app to the web version of Blogger were no bueno either. So, I will just have to blow my 400TH post on showing off The Queen's absolutely awesome anniversary gifts to me.

OOoooo, what have we here? The Dave & Busters gift card is obvious, but it's intended purpose is stress relief. It will get good use. But, what about the rest???

MMMmmmm, a bag of M&Ms. The edible kid, not the Cutest Little Girl in the World (TM) kind. We have a history of M&Ms in this family. When I was slogging the commute back and forth between Dallas and Houston, The Queen sent me off with care packages of M&Ms and stuffed animals (there is still to this day a stuffed frog [aka Froggie the copilot) in the rear window of the Maxima. 

[drool, slobber, smack, ommmnommmnnommm] Ah, a veritable smorgasboard of chocolate (or "chockit" as M&M calls it). The 60% dark is just about as Dark as I like a chocolate to go. I will eat as high as 72%. Anything beyond that and it's too bitter for my taste. The white chocolate is self explanatory. Let's take a closer look at the rest...

Now, at first glance, I laughed when I saw these. I can, however, happily report that they are quite tasty. Sadly, the beef jerky doesn't taste too much like beef jerky and is more like regular milk chocolate with tiny bits of jerky in it. It's still good though. The BBQ tater chip flavor is very good. 

If the BBQ tater chip flavor is very good, the firecracker is awesome sauce in your mouth. It starts off with a little sparkly, then goes slightly salty, then the pop rocks really kick in and finishes with a little spiciness from the smoky chipotle. I never would have guessed that it would be as good as it is. I will be getting more of this. 

I will be reporting on the last of the Anniversary gifts after it is completed on Monday. 

Some People Have All The Luck

I had to attend a business meeting in St. Louis earlier this week. As part of the meeting, which was the final one before retirement for one of my business associates, there as a gift given by another business associate to the soon to be retiree in recognition of their long standing business relationship and friendship. 

This was the gift:

The pictures do not do it justice. It's an absolutely gorgeous gun; and I am, frankly, jealous. The recipient's only comment was "WOW. Just WOW." 

Lucky dog. Pardon me while I go take care of a drool problem. 

Just For Candance...

Why carry just one purse when you can carry two?

I Have The BEST Readers

No, really. It's true. I may not have a legion of followers do or get millions of pageviews like some bloggers; but, what I lack in volume, I make up for in quality.

Case in point. You guys and gals have been phenomenally supportive of The Queen, M&M and I throughout the whole fostering/adopting process. Your words of encouragement really meant a lot to me. Some people, though, were not satisfied with mere words.

First, there was the cute tote bag embroidered with M&M's name sent by one of my former high school classmates and blog readers, Tena (who is also a blogger...who really needs to put up some fresh content...just sayin'). I would show you a picture, but I don't have one that's edited to block out M&M's name. Trust me. It's awesome, and we get a lot of use out of it.

Then, yesterday, I arrived home to find a box on my doorstep. It was light weight, and it wasn't ticking. So, we were off to a good start. The return address indicated it was from Candance at Crazy Texas Mommy. Candance had given me the heads up that it was on its way. So, I sort of knew what to expect when I opened the box.

Okay. Not really. Candance DOES have a reputation for craziness.

What I found in the box was this (pardon the crappy cell phone photography...lack of sleep):

That there is two, count them, two hand made, crocheted purses for little Miss M&M. Let's untie that bundle and get a better look (more or less...crappy cell phones and lack of sleep...).

I'm telling you, these are the cutest little purses EVER!!! I promise to get photos of M&M using them as soon as possible.

To Tena and Candance, thank you so much. It's very sweet of you both to do that for my little girl.

By Request...Sort Of

My good blogger buddy, GunDiva, gave me an award the other day (I'll get around to posting that eventually) for which I am thankful; however, she made a quiet comment/back handed request that there was not enough being written about M&M. So, in my ongoing effort to placate my readership and at least one cranky woman with a gun, I submit the following.

Nothing quite says relaxed like a toddler in full, slack jawed, rag doll mode. Can you hear the deep breathing (she doesn't snore much yet...give her time)? She was out, and I mean lightening, thunder and tornado siren deaf out.

M&M enjoying one of her favorite treats: a peanut butter cookie (all natural and gluten free). We have pretty much dispensed with using a high chair with her at this point. She sits up quite nicely on her own. So, she gets a big girl chair or a booster seat when we are sitting down to a meal.

M&M trying to fill some pretty big shoes...mine in fact. She put her feet in them all by herself. On the correct feet even. She did not, however, bring them back to Daddy.

M&M and JG having a semi-tender moment in the backyard. I say semi-tender because M&M is smiling for reasons we did not discover until a few minutes later. It's best if I leave it at that and let you imagination wander. Don't worry, it'll come back...eventually.

M&M showing off her new, pretty dress with matching doll courtesy of Mimi at her baby shower.

When we adopted M&M, my auntie S (mother of cousins B and S, wife of uncle B, and math tutor by profession...they signed their Christmas cards "BS squared" [you will just have to imagine the little superscript 2 there] ever since cousin S came along) called to see if we would like her to throw a baby shower for The Queen and M&M since a lot of folks don't think about doing that sort of thing in our situation. Anyway, because of life, the girl, the gold watch and everything, it took a while to get the shower scheduled. I didn't find out about it until about a week before when I had lunch with My Sister...The Devil. When I asked when it was, I was told that she didn't know if I was invited. What the....excuse me??? Then I found out that The Queen was given a choice of two dates. She chose one...not realizing that it was Father's Day. My first OFFICIAL father's day.

To be honest, I was a tad annoyed at first that my pseudo plans for sleeping in and playing with guns were slipping quietly out the window like a cat burglar at 2:00 AM; but, I couldn't get mad about it. 1) I'm an easy going kind of guy, 2) It ain't worth getting upset about, 3) The Queen was apologetic and can be forgiven as she has been dealing with some stressful issues of her own, and 4) there will always be other times to play with guns and other Father's Days, but there will be only one time to attend my only daughter's baby shower.

Turn out was a little light...seeing as how it was Father's Day and all, but most of the family was there as were some good friends. I did get to take my uncle's Harley Sportster for a spin which was a lot of fun. I probably should have declined the offer because now I REALLY want another motorcycle, but I wasn't about to pass up an opportunity to have the wind in my face with my wife snuggled up tight behind me.

M&M's very own rocking chair with matching dolly rocking chair (also courtesy of Mimi). Would you believe that the doll, the matching outfits and matching chairs all came from Cracker Barrel?? I was amazed.

My Sister...The Devil also returned a favor gift wise by presenting M&M with the complete U.S. coin mint set and stamp sets for her birth year just as I had done for my nieces when they were born. I'm still two up on her as a certain uncle brought for real, fresh baked birthday cakes to the hospital on the day the girls were born. The nurses got a kick out of it. Spice cake for the oldest, and chocolate for the youngest if memory serves me correctly.

Surprise, Surprise...Semi Fail

Okay, The Queen is finally awake. As mentioned in the comments on the previous posts, The Queen's sleep schedule has been out of whack for a while now due to her mystery illness. It doesn't help that she's a light sleeper, and I went to sleep an hour early last night after getting only three and a half hours sleep the night before due to being rudely awakened in the middle of the night and not being able to get back to sleep. When I'm exhausted, I sleep like the dead with a bad case of chainsaw snoring. The Queen is a light sleeper. So, she usually chooses to sleep elsewhere when I'm Zonked of the Dead.

To make a long story short, The Queen finally got back into our bed at about 8:30 AM this morning and didn't wake up again until 2:20 PM. I got back from helping the niece with her car woes at about noon meaning I've been bouncing around trying not to wet my pants waiting for her to wake up. I even resorted to asking my mother in law to MAKE noise in the kitchen (right next to the master bedroom) instead of trying to keep quiet.

Anyway, here's the set up. Queen sleeping soundly under layers of blanket in the king sized bed. One vase with a bouquet of pink edged white roses and some other pretty lookin' flowers with white, pink and other colors (I'm a well rounded person, but my knowledge of horticulture pretty much ends at "Hey, that's a rose."). Vase strategically placed on the desk in the corner of the master bedroom (on her side of the bed) so that (hopefully) it would be the first thing The Queen sees when she gets up. We'll get back to that. Framed wedding photos strategically placed in front of the master bath toilet to be admired as The Queen takes care of her morning constitutionals (yes, I know it sounds weird...just go with it). We'll get back to that in a minute too.

So, finally, after an hour and a half of waiting to hear a squeal from the other side of the house, I finally get word from the MIL that The Queen has stirred in her chambers. Not having gotten a call from The Queen expressing her delight at the flowers before exiting the bed, I had to go investigate. I found The Queen in the shower. I nodded at the photos, and she asked, "Did you do that?"

Not exactly the response I was looking for. Slightly underwhelming.

I informed her that, yes, I was responsible for the photos.I then asked if she had seen her other surprise. Her response was a timid, "Um, what other surprise?"

Partial Fail.

At that point, I brought her the flowers which did elicit an awe struck "WoooOOOOWWWWwwww!". It was at this point that I learned that she did not see the flowers in her bleary eyed, semi conscious, just awaken, no glasses/contacts state. I can forgive her for that. I probably should have thought to place them in the bathroom with the other items to give her brain a few more seconds to boot up. I also learned that she had to do a double take upon being seated on her throne as she was not sure she was really seeing the photos. She told me she wasn't sure if they were from me as her mother sometimes does stuff like that for her but then thought better of that as she wasn't sure her mother would remember that today was our anniversary.

The good news is that The Queen confirmed that she was completely clueless about my behind the scenes efforts to produce a surprise for her. The Queen has chastised me several times before for giving away too much about a surprise. The fact that there is a surprise coming is apparently giving away too much about the surprise to The Queen. Given my upbringing, it is very hard for me to keep a lid on a surprise. I have always enjoyed dropping hints and watching the recipient go nuts trying to figure out the surprise. I get that from my mother. The Queen, on the other hand, likes the surprise to be complete and total. No hints. No nothin'.

According to her, I succeeded this time. I almost blew it the other night after discovering, while trying to pay for the photo CDs, that I had lost my debit card. I called The Queen to see if she had it or if it was lying on my side of the bathroom counter of something. She didn't locate it but offered to bring hers to me. I told her that that was not necessary, that she hadn't been feeling well, and that it was no big deal as it would only take me a couple of minutes to swing back by the house to get hers. It took a little convincing, but she finally agreed to stay put and the surprise was saved.

Barely.

Your 1 Year/100 Post Warranty Has Expired

Good morning all you happy people. Well, it’s official. With this post today, I hit two major milestones. As of today, I have been blogging for exactly one year; and, with this post, I have posted exactly 100 posts. I just seemed appropriate to combine the two milestones into one occasion.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank each and every one of you who read my “stuff”. Looking back over the previous 99 posts, I realize that some of it is pure crap. However, I hope you have found some gems amongst the poo, too. I’ve learned a lot about myself and the process of writing in the past year, and I’d like to think that my ability to convey a coherent thought is improving. I’m not anywhere near the level of skill I would like to have; but, then again, I suspect that is true of most anyone.

I would also like to give an extra special thank you to everyone who has taken the time to comment on my erratic efforts. I have always had comment moderation enabled on this blog; however, truthfully, I’ve never had to block a comment. I originally chose to use comment moderation because I had no idea what I was in for, and I wanted to make sure nothing unseemly found its way onto the comments page. I have left it enabled for purely selfish reasons…I like getting a sneak preview of what you all have to say. It also helps me respond to your comments quicker because I think this process should be a dialogue; and, if you’re going to take the time to comment, the least I can do is respond.

I envy those of you who have the time, skill, diligence and/or whatever else it takes to post just about every single day. I’ve averaged a post every 3 and a half days even though some of those posts were nothing more than a photo, a link to a news article or a silly joke. I don’t think I’ve gone more than about 10 days without posting which is too long in my opinion; however, as most of you know, life and work have a way of getting in the way. Especially here at Castle Erickson.

I had thought about trying to do some sort of giveaway to celebrate these two milestones, and then promptly decided against. Well, “decided” is probably a strong word to describe being too busy to give it serious thought and thus having the time to act on any decision. Besides, giving away 1 item or even a couple of items would leave some people leaving empty handed.

But wait…that doesn’t mean I’m sending everyone away empty handed. In fact, quite the opposite. I got to thinking that blogging is really about sharing a piece (or several pieces as the case may be) of ourselves, and everyone loves food (okay, okay…everyone except the anorexics and bulemics). Food makes us happy. Right? So, why not share a couple of my favorite recipes with everyone? That way, I can give everyone something special (well, special to me at least…hopefully you will think so, too) to make them happy.

First, I’d like to share my all-time favorite cookie recipe. I love me some cookies. I have a reputation to uphold of being able to sniff out a bakery in under 15 minutes in just about any city in which I happen to find myself. Seriously. The Queen can run into people she knows just about anywhere in the world…I find the bakeries. Some of you might be expecting another (roll your eyes here) chocolate chip cookie recipe. No. Don’t get me wrong, I am not in the habit of passing up chocolate chip cookies. They’re just not my all-time fav. The cookie that has that honor is the humble cinnamon cookie.

Cinnamon cookies baking in the oven smell simply divine. They fill up the whole house with the aroma of cinnamon. Mom used to bake these for us occasionally when I was a kid, and they never lasted long. Sometimes, they had trouble making it from the baking sheet to the plate (cooling racks are for rich folks and professionals…this was strictly an amateur lower middle class affair). This particular cookie comes from my grandmother’s World War II era Victory Cookbook. I had hoped to have photos of this extremely well worn cookbook to share with you; however, my sister…the devil has been holding it hostage for several years and keeps “forgetting” that it’s my turn to care for it for a while. It’s neat because a lot of the recipes have patriotic themed names, and I think there are tips for menu planning to help the war effort. At least, that’s what I remember since I can’t fact check myself thanks to my sister…the devil.

Victory Cookbook Cinnamon Cookies

2 Cups Sifted Flour

¼ Teaspoon Salt

2 Teaspoons Baking Powder

2 Teaspoons Cinnamon

½ Cup Butter (melted)

1 Cup Sugar

1 Teaspoon Vanilla Extract

2 Eggs (beaten)

Sift the dry ingredients together. I like to use a quart size plastic yogurt container, throw everything in, put the lid on and shake vigorously for a few seconds. Beat the eggs in a mixing bowl (don’t ask me what the eggs did to deserve a beating…but I would imagine it had something to do with throwing the “good” eggs at someone’s house). Add the melted butter, sugar and vanilla to the eggs. Mix thoroughly until smooth. The original recipe doesn’t mention melting the butter first, but I have found that the butter mixes much easier when melted and it makes for a much smoother dough. Fold and mix dry ingredients into the mixing bowl (about a 1/3 at a time). Mix until dough is smooth (Hint: don’t try to use a hand mixer…use a spoon or a counter top mixer). An optional step I take is to divide the dough into thirds, wrap the thirds in wax paper and put them in the fridge for a little while to firm up the dough. Bake on a cookie sheet in an oven preheated to 400 degrees for 10 minutes. Makes about 3 dozen.

The next recipe is my chili recipe. I know, I know. Everyone has an opinion about chili. My sister…the devil thinks that any chili that has beans in it is a stew. I, of course, have a differing opinion. Then there was the time I was invited over to someone’s house for a chili dinner. They were from Wisconsin, and the “chili” tasted just like my mother’s stew. They thought it was hot and spicy. Go figure. My recipe was something I cobbled together for a chili cook off at work a few years ago. It won second place out of six or seven entries. I think it beat the first place winner taste wise, but the voting was based on popularity and the winner came from a team with more supporters. Philistines.

K. Erickson’s Chili Cookoff Recipe

2 Pounds ground meat (chuck, sirloin, buffalo and/or [insert favorite game meat here])

1 medium yellow onion, chopped

6 cloves garlic, crushed or minced

1 15 ounce can pinto beans, rinsed and drained

1 15 ounce can kidney beans, rinsed and drained

1 15 ounce can black beans, rinsed and drained

1 12 ounce bottle of dark-ish beer (J.W. Dundee’s Honey Brown, Shiner Bock or Ziegenbock)

1 14.5 ounce can beef broth

3 8 ounce cans tomato sauce

1 6 ounce can tomato paste

1 4.5 ounce can chopped or diced green chiles (can substitute fresh jalapenos if desired)

2 teaspoons coarse ground black pepper

2 teaspoons sea salt

2 tablespoons (or more) chili powder

1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce

2 teaspoons ground cumin

2 teaspoons ground red pepper

2 teaspoons Tabasco sauce

2 tablespoons fresh lime juice

You will want to use a stock pot for this recipe since there is a lot of stuff to go in. Brown the meat over medium to high heat until the meat crumbles. Drain the fat. Add the onions and garlic, and sauté over medium heat until the onions start to change color. Add remaining ingredients and bring to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer for three hours or until thickened. You can also add ¼ cup of Masa flour or a 1/8 cup of corn starch thoroughly mixed with a ¼ to a ½ cup of water for thicker chili (I normally don’t bother with that step).

Thank you all again. I hope you enjoy the recipes.

Returning The Favor - Part 3

Well, my faithful readers, I am happy to report that yesterday's post succeeded in baiting the GunDiva into opening her prize. I told you I was good at this didn't I? You can read her initial reaction in the comments on yesterday's post.

You've got to love it when a plan comes together.

Alright, alright, alright already. I've tormented you all long enough. Maybe. It's not like the surprise is going to be anything earth shattering. Especially for those of you who weren't on the receiving end. In fact, most of you will probably roll your eyes and say "That's it?"

Drum roll, please (Visualize Ed McMahon handing the white envelope to The Amazing Carnak)...

The surprise was that I sent TWO books to GunDiva instead of just one.

Ta-da!

(cricket, cricket)

See, I told you it would be a let down. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Seriously though, there's two reasons why I went ahead and sent two books. One: That's just the kind of guy I am. I like to exceed expectations. I like to give a little extra when I can. I like to make someone's day with something completely unexpected (or a moment of shear terror if you're my mother in law). Two: I just couldn't decide on just one book to send.

GunDiva had (finally) revealed to me that she has never read science fiction and just started reading fantasy not too long ago. As a result, it was fertile ground for me to make some introductions to her reading repertoire. Since she introduced me to her favorite author who happens to write action/smut books (okay, okay...she called it a romance novel), I figured I should introduce her to a couple of my faves in the science fiction and fantasy genres.

The first book I sent was GunDiva's introduction to the SciFi genre.

If you are interested in reading the teaser summary, click on this link which will take you to Modesitt's website. I sent her this one as it was the first book of Modesitt's that I read and one that I've reread several times. It was written in 1997. If you decide to read the book, you will notice that the "bad guys" bear a striking resemblance to Mormons (Modesitt lives in Utah). However, personally, I think the book is more of an allegorical commentary on the rise of Islamic fundamentalism in the wake of Gulf War 1. Whether or not that is true, it is, at least to me, a fascinating book about faith, fanaticism, the nature of war and responsibility.

Modesitt has been one of my favorite SciFi authors since reading The Parafaith war. I've now read almost all of his SciFi novels (there are a couple that I haven't been able to find), and one of these days I'm going to have to start reading his fantasy books as well.

Next up is my favorite satirical author who happens to write in the fantasy genre, Terry Pratchett. Pratchett is a Brit whose Discworld novels are addictive. Beware...one you start reading Discworld, it is hard to stop. I have sent GunDiva the novel Night Watch which is one of my favorite Discworld novels. Again, if you'd like to read the teaser, click the link.

Pratchett's characters of phenomenal characters in every sense of the word, and I love his advice to authors which was basically (I'm paraphrasing here) be careful about the small characters you create as you may be writing about them for a long time to come. That comment was specifically in reference to a minor character called "The Death of Rats" which first appeared in the novel Reaper Man.

I sincerely hope GunDiva enjoys these two books as much as I do; however, I understand that not everyone's tastes are the same. I look forward to hearing her unbiased reviews once she has a chance to wade through them.

Returning The Favor - Part 2

I know some of you might be tuning in to find out what I sent to GunDiva in return for her bequeathing Crazy Kisses to me. I did, in fact, promise to post something today about that very subject. Unfortunately, GunDiva has not cooperated with my evil plan (yes, I do have one). She has confirmed receipt of the package, but she says she won't open it until she finishes grading some papers. Curses! Foiled again. So, some of you might have to wait a little longer than you expected (Jennifer, remember what I said in the comments about teaching you patience?).

You see, I love surprises. In particular, I love being the one to give surprises. It gives me no end of amusement to scare the living daylights out of my mother in law by sneaking up behind her and whispering "boo" in her ear. Just yesterday, I demonstrated this to great affect on the teenage daughter of a friend of ours who was here helping The Queen and I by cooking a whole mess of food. After telling the young lass what I do to my mother in law, I lurked outside the guest bathroom door when she went in for necessary business. When she came out, I jumped out and gave her a good scare. She squealed in fright, and her mother (who witnessed the stalking), The Queen (who was also witness) and I laughed hysterically.

I also enjoy employing the element of surprise in gift giving which, in the Erickson family, is an art form. One year, my sister and I chipped in to get mom a new VCR (back in the day when a 3 head VHS was the pinnacle of high tech and we were but poor high school and college students). Knowing that mother would not leave well enough alone in trying to figure out what was in the box, we devised a devious plan to thwart her efforts. The VCR box went into a much larger box that was weighted down with about 60 pounds worth of barbell weights. Needless to say, mom was clueless until she opened the box.

Sometimes the fun is in the hints. My sister and I have tormented mother on more than one occassion with subtle and not so subtle hints. One incident in particular comes to mind. My sister called me one day out of the blue and said "Guess what?". I said "You're pregnant." Of course I was right. I'm very good at guessing games. We proceeded to plot against mom. We came up with the idea to give her a little box with a stuffed rabbit inside holding some little fake lillies. Unfortunately, this hint backfired on us. Mom was puzzled by the receipt of a small box with a toy bunny holding flowers in it (she is a big fan of bunnies). It took my very astute grandmother to pointedly tell her "The rabbit DIED!" I suppose it is possible to be TOO subtle. Oh well. We had a great laugh despite the hint failure. If The Queen and I are ever blessed with a child, I will build a full blown pine coffin for the stuffed rabbit so there will be no confusion.

As you might have guessed by now, there is a surprise lurking in the package I sent to GunDiva. I promise it will be a pleasant surprise for the GunDiva, and it is not ticking or otherwise capable of bodily injury. However, I want to hear GunDiva's report of her reaction to the surprise before spoiling it here.

It shouldn't be long. I promise. Nothing encourages people to open gifts faster than to tell them there is something "special" inside.

Book Worm

I received a nice little gift in the mail yesterday from GunDiva.

No, it was not one of the items from my midlife crisis list (drat!). GunDiva and I haven't "known" (in the blogosphere sense of the term) each other long enough that she would feel generous enough to drop a minimum of $400 to accommodate one of my desired arsenal additions.

Oh well.

She did, however, send the next best thing: a book. In celebration of her 200TH post, GunDiva ran a little contest. I was lucky enough to be selected as one of her winners.

As you all should know, I love books. I am addicted to books. I read them quickly and often. Sometimes I read the same book 3 or 4 times (or well over a dozen times for Robert Heinlein's Starship Troopers).

My one failing as a reader is that I tend to get tied down to a few favorite authors and don't venture very far from that comfort zone. Every time I try to find a new author to add to the circle of old familiars, something gets in the way.

As a result, I look to my friends to introduce me to authors I might not otherwise experience. My friend Alex introduced me to Tom Clancy and R.A. Salvatore. My wife got me hooked on Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child (it's only fair...I got her hooked on Clive Cussler and I'm trying to get her to read Terry Pratchett).

So, it is with great anticipation that I look forward to devouring Crazy Kisses by Tara Janzen (an author I had never heard of until GunDiva's blog). I can normally run though a book this size (354 pages) in about a day and a half. However, I've got a busy weekend planned, and I may not finish this one until next Tuesday. Once I do, I plan on writing up a review. I also plan on finding a suitable book to send GunDiva's way as a way of saying thanks. If any of GunDiva's peeps (I know there are some lurking in the shadows here) are reading this and have suggestions on authors she has NOT read, please feel free to drop a comment.

Constipation of the Word Processor

Once again, I find myself in the position of apologizing for my absence from the blogosphere. I’ve been a bad blogger buddy here of late again. People have, on more than one occasion, accused me of having diarrhea of the word processor. Lately, it seems to have turned to constipation. That, or I just don’t give a crap anymore.

Sorry, I couldn’t resist the easy joke.

Semi-seriously, as usual, I’ve been busier than the proverbial one armed, one legged paper hanger in a butt kickin’ contest. On top of the usual daily activities of life and work which interfere with my ability to commune with my readership, I turn 40 on Wednesday which means I’m in the middle of planning my midlife crisis.

I mean, you do have to plan those things. Don’t you? Otherwise you wind up with a crappy midlife crisis and lose your job after sleeping with the wrong co-worker in the back seat of that snazzy convertible you can’t afford.

Since I’m hopelessly in love with my wife and really don’t want to find out what God or my wife would do to me if I violated the seventh commandment, a mistress is out of the question. Besides, it’s not like I have a lot of opportunity. Working from home seriously impacts my interaction with just about everyone on the planet.

I do like cars, but I’ve lost my love affair with going deeply into debt for a $30,000 plus toy which is the price of poker for even the most basic new sports car. Drop a gently used and/or easily restorable/customizable 1970 Datsun 240Z in my lap for a reasonable price, and you might get my attention though.

Motorcycles are kinda the same thing as the car thing but at a lower price point.

Airplanes…oooo. Please don’t get me started. Even the rattiest, airworthy used airplane is going to set you back more than a new car not including the hangar fees, the price of avgas (and you thought 87 octane dino wine for your car was steep at $3.50 or more a gallon…you’re so funny) and the price of annual inspections and overhaul reserves. You might as well pick up bank robbery as a hobby ‘cause that’s about the only way you can afford to feed an airplane.

So, that leaves me with guns.

The problem with guns is that I can’t just stop at one. It kinda reminds of the Rutger Hauer movie “Split Second”. There’s a scene where Rootbeer’s partner has just encountered the homicidal creature for the first time and figures out why Rootbeer’s character has gone off the deep end. They find themselves in the gun locker at the police station ranting about needing more guns and each gun that gets picked up is “NOT BIG ENOUGH.”

That’s about the way I’d be with guns if I didn’t have other priorities. You can’t have too many or too big.

And it doesn’t help that I came across Michael Zimmerman’s list of the 10 Most Manly Guns and discovered (to my horror) that I’ve only owned 3 of the 10 (I got rid of the Glock for reasons that remain dim in my memory, but I was never very happy with it anyway). If you add Zimmerman’s 10 More Manly Guns list, I’ve owned 4 of the 20.

Then there’s this guy I know up in Utah. When the war starts, I’ll be knocking, very politely I might add, on his door. This guy has more guns than most gun stores. His basement is full of guns and ammo and reloading equipment. I mean FULL. He has two file cabinets. One drawer is .357 magnum revolvers. The next drawer is 1911 .45 semi autos. The next drawer is…you get the idea. His root cellar which is about 5 or 6 feet wide and 20 or so feet long has rifles lining the walls floor to ceiling. He estimated, conservatively, that he had over 200 guns worth well over $150,000. I’m pretty sure he had all 20 of the guns on Zimmerman’s lists. 10 times over.

And people say I’m obsessed?

All this means, of course, is that I have to rectify this as soon as possible by obtaining more guns.

Unfortunately, thanks to President Obama and a (up until recently) super majority Democrat controlled Congress, every redneck on the planet is clinging to their guns and Bibles very tightly and buying more of each at every opportunity. For those of you who slept through the chapter on the Law of Supply and Demand in your economics class, this means that guns you could have purchased for $500 a year or two ago are now going to set you back $750 or more depending on how popular it is. Some guns, like those dreaded assault rifles which are feared by so many who haven’t got a clue, can’t be touched for less than $1000. A really nice over/under shotgun is going to cost you a minimum of $2000.

So, if you’re like me and like guns…a lot, you’ll get close to the new car price point pretty quick.

Since I know my readership loves me dearly and really want to help a brother out in his quest to have the perfect midlife crisis, I thought I would submit my list of guns that I’d really like to have in case you were stumped on what to get me for my birthday or just wanted to donate some cash to the cause. Here, in no particular order of desire, are the weapons I want to add to my arsenal:

1. Ruger Mark III Hunter .22 LR (model # 10118 in the Ruger catalog). This is a pretty pistol. It’s man jewelry for those who appreciate shooting with precision. The stainless steel frame dressed with pretty rosewood grips joins up with a 6.88” fluted barrel that screams “SHOOT ME NOW, SHOOT ME OFTEN!!!!”. I was truly disappointed that the Ruger didn’t make Zimmerman’s list. I mean, COME ON, Sly Stallone and Antonio Banderas both used the Ruger, suitably modified with a silencer, as their weapons of choice in the movie “Assassins”. If it’s good enough for Stallone, it’s good enough for me.

2. Ruger 10/22 Target model .22LR rifle (model #1121). This is like the Japanese tuner car of small caliber target rifles. You can do anything with this puppy. You could easily spend $1000 customizing this gun which is a pretty good piece straight out of the box. My mom bought the carbine version of this rifle as her first gun last year, and it has me seriously wanting to trade my Marlin 60 on one of these.

3. A 1911 platform .45 ACP Government Model semi auto pistol (I’d settle for the Commander size if I had to). I haven’t quite narrowed down which particular brand and model I want yet. I might just have to get several to be safe. I have shot the Kimber and loved it. I have shot a Colt Government Model which is what started my desire for one of these pistols (years and years ago, but the memory is still fresh and crisp in my mind). I have been eyeing the Taurus PT1911 here lately and wouldn’t mind trying one since I had good luck with Taurus products previously. Of course, if there were a generous soul out there who wanted to bequeath to me a Les Baer or Wilson Combat custom 1911, I might name my first born child after that person.

4. Browning Citori over/under 12 gauge Shotgun. I don’t care who you are, this is a nice gun.

5. AR-15 or M4. I’m not picky about the maker. I have shot the Rock River Arms version and had no complaints. I know I have absolutely no need for one of these, but I don’t care. I just want one.

6. A really nice .30-06 or .300 Win Mag rifle. This is another area where I have not yet decided which one to go with. I have shot the Remington Model 700 Sendero in .308 and liked it real nice. I have heard others speak kindly of the Weatherby brand. I hear some good stuff about Savage, too. I just want a nice, accurate rifle with which to hunt deer, elk, zombies and the occasional rioter. I’m not asking for much am I?

7. Springfield M1A Super Match. I want it ‘cause it’s a way tricked out and updated M1 Garand.

8. Navy Arms 1875 Scofield Founder’s model .45LC. It was good enough for Jesse James. Need I say more?

9. Smith & Wesson Model 686 .357 magnum with a 6” barrel. I saw these when they were first released back in the 80s and fell in love at first site. At least, I fell in love with the stainless steel version with the polished wood, contoured grips.

I’ll be going to the gun show this weekend before heading down to mom’s to shoot stuff. Feel free to tag along and bestow your generosity on me. I won’t protest one bit. I promise.

*3/9/10 Update - I spent a little time on number 6 today. I think I've narrowed it down to the Browning A-Bolt M-1000 Eclipse, but I'm not sure if I want the BOSS option or not. I need to do a little more reading on that part.

Happy Anniversary

I know I’ve been neglecting my blog posting here of late again, but I have an excuse…er, explanation. Several, in fact. Silly things breed like drunken, teenage rabbits on Viagra and meth.

Excuse/explanation number one: Work. Need I say more? Apparently, yes, I must. Being a claims adjuster is not an occupation for the easily stressed, offended or grossed out. One of these days, I will get around to writing an insider’s guide to the claims process for the uninitiated in the hopes that it will dissuade some poor idiot from yelling “I’ll get a lawyer and sue your a**.” The last quarter of the year is always the busiest time of year. Everyone wants to settle their claims or get their invoices paid so that they can have Christmas money or close out their books for the year. And they want it done RIGHT the HE** NOW!!!! There seems to be a universal belief among claimants and vendors that they are the only person/company I am dealing with and calling and emailing repeatedly several times a day will yield faster results. It will. It will completely grind my voicemail and email inboxes to a stop at the speed of light. There is a fine line between sufficient work to maintain job security and too much work to be productive thus leading to job termination due to ineffectiveness. I am so standing on that line right now. With a landmine under my feet.

Explanation/Excuse number two: The bathroom. When not waiting on the Queen hand and foot or earning a living, I am trying to rebuild the master bathroom from scratch which has been sans shower since the “Now You See It, Now You Don’t…” post in November. If I am seen after normal work hours without a hammer or other suitable construction tool in my hand, I get raised eyebrows and cross looks from the Queen who wants to have her bathroom back in one piece so she is not assaulted by all the chemical smells which were once safely trapped by layers of tile and mortar.

Excuse/Explanation number three: Our Anniversary. Monday was the sixth anniversary of the Queen’s and my glorious entrance into wedded bliss. As we enter into the seventh year of our marriage, I find myself wondering what the whole seven year itch thing is supposed to be about. I probably wouldn’t know it if it jumped up an’ bit me on the butt. Which is probably for the best.

Given the Queen’s ongoing health challenges, I’ve tried to make this anniversary as special as possible within the limitations imposed upon us (i.e. can’t go out in public for fear of being exposed to pneumonia or swine flu or something equally enjoyable…again). Nothing quite takes the joy out of fine restaurant dining like being forced to wear a self contained bunny suit made of latex. I know it sounds like it would be fun and kinky, but we’re just not into that sort of thing.

So, what is a loyal and faithful servant/husband to do? Cater to his Queen’s every desire of course. First, there were the two dozen roses. Always a must for any anniversary going experience. Then there was the dinner. We had home cooked filet mignon with garlic mashed taters and gravy with oven roasted veggies followed by her favorite strawberries and cream for dessert.

But, wait, there’s more. We can’t have an anniversary without a truly unique gift or experience. Now, I know there are some truly sensitive men out there who feel that giving his spouse a vacuum cleaner or a new dishwasher for their anniversary is the absolute pinnacle of loving thoughtfulness. Let me tell you, these paragons of marital bliss have nothing on me. If you really want to endear yourself to your spouse, nothin’ says good lovin’ like …. wait for it …. a colon hydrotherapy session. I spared no expense on my lovely copper topped bride. Only the very best in organic coffee colonics would do for her.

As is the defense of every vacuum cleaner giving man on the planet, she really did ask for it.