Monday, January 21, 2019

Puppies! PUPPies!! PUPPIES!!!

Down here at Daddy Hawk's Discount Doggie Emporium, we just had a mix up with our distributor. She thought we said "nine" when what we really said was "Nein! Nyet! Nada!". So, the factory just drop shipped 9 puppies during the night with no return address. So, now we have a whole mess of puppies that must go, Go, GO!!! That means we're going to have a clearance sale. Everything must go! No reasonable offer refused. Unreasonable offers considered. Get your dogs while their hot, Hot, HOT!!! (subject to about an 8 week delay for delivery).

Sunday, January 20, 2019

Daddy Hawk's Discount Doggie Emporium

To those of you acquainted with me in real life (or at least the facsimile of real life that exists on FaceBook), you already know what's coming. Shhh...don't spoil it for the rest of the readers.

So, last week, I had business in the southern part of the state. Since I live in North Texas, that would be pretty much most of Texas. However, in this particular instance, I am referring to the arm pit of Texas, the "greater" Houston metropolitan area, and San Antonio. Since it was a "two-fer" trip, I elected to drive as opposed to trying to deal with flights, hotels and rental cars. Just dealing with cars and hotels is a lot simpler and allows me to do two things: 1) control my own destiny (more or less), and 2) bring The Queen and M&M along with me for the ride.

Business was uneventful, and the drive home was sufficiently late enough Tuesday evening and near enough to Mimi's house, that we chose to stay the night since I didn't have to have the rental returned until Wednesday morning. When Wednesday morning dawned and we loaded up the rental for the short drive back to our home to off load our junk before returning the rental, we were departing Casa Mimi (aka "The Farm") when we spotted a female dog in the driveway who most clearly in "a family way".

We snapped the above pic and texted it to Mimi to see if she was aware of this young lady casing her house (this is not an unusual occurrence as Casa Mimi has been the refuge of  choice for many a stray over the years). Mimi denied any and all knowledge of the poor, lost waif but promised to keep an eye out for her. We proceeded to depart secure in the knowledge that God and Mimi would take care of it.

We didn't think much more about it until Friday morning when Mimi texted to advise that there was a 12 week old black lab puppy in her driveway. I thought that was oddly specific considering Mimi was departing for work at the time. We have not been "in the market" for a new dog since our beloved Numbnutt had to be put to sleep; however, a chance at a free black lab puppy is not to be missed. So, The Queen, M&M and I loaded up the chariot and returned to Casa Mimi to begin hunting for the rumored black lab puppy.

We arrived before Mimi returned from work at noonish to find no sign or trace of any black lab puppies. What we did find was the little lost, pregnant waif still loitering in the neighborhood. After much searching and following of little miss preggers, we came to the conclusion that the mamma dog to be and the black lab puppy were, in fact, one and the same. Mamma in waiting had been curling up in the flowers next to Mimi's driveway; and, when so cuddled up, her white patches were not visible. Mimi confessed to not having seen the fabled puppy standing or otherwise moving. So, a lab puppy was not to be.

But, the adventure endeth not there. A cold front was coming (or so sayeth the weather guessers...truly Texas forecasts are a joke at best), and temps were expected to drop below freezing. This was intolerable to one and all, and The Queen set about making efforts to befriend one pregnant female dog of uncertain pedigree (it's hard to tell in the photos, but she has a long neck, smallish lab shaped head, longer body out of proportion with her legs and a pit bull tail).

At first, mamma mia was reluctant to come near The Queen and gave a subtle "I'm scared. Leave me alone." low growl. Several treats later, some water, a dog bed and some food along with gentle coaxing by The Queen, and she was down right sociable.

As we spent more time around her, it became apparent that she was most likely a "dump". Some sub-human pile of excrement most likely dropped her off in a "nice area" (Mimi lives in a small, rural town...not quite "turn off the paved road", but you can see it from there.) thinking she could fend for herself. I'm here to tell you, after the better part of at least 3 days, she was not fending for herself. She was thirsty, hungry, scared, stressed, uncomfortable and still keeping a close eye on the road and perked an ear at certain car sounds. So, we suspect she had stayed close to where she was dropped in hopes that her "pack" would come back for her.

There are no words I can share for my thoughts on the person who would do that to a pregnant animal. Then again, I like animals a whole lot more than I like most people.

Anyway, on with our story. As night fell, temps were dropping, condensation was making everything wet, and she was a shivering ball of bloated beached whale. So, we decided she needed to be relocated to more suitable accommodations. Mimi just happens to have a reasonably well built greenhouse complete with heaters, etc. Mimi's house is in "no vacancy" status due to the pipsqueak in residence named Lulu who is sweet dog one on one but who has vociferously expressed her displeasure at the presence of an interloper. So, we made a comfy place for her and set about deciding how to relocate about 50 pounds worth of female dog and her bus load of puppies without inviting disaster.

Since she hadn't reach full trust stage with us yet, she was in no mood to help or make things easy for us. We wound up helping her into a dog bed after which I carried the dog, bed and all, to the greenhouse. She promptly spread out and made herself right at home. Several pettings and head scratchings later, and we received a couple of contented doggie sighs signaling that she was good for the night.

Saturday morning dawned to find us no closer to puppies getting their eviction notices. Mamma May I is much more  relaxed but as uncomfortable as one might expect a short legged dog to be carrying a wide load.

We did attempt to take her out for a walk or two to get her some fresh air and sunshine. Unfortunately, both walk attempts ended in short order after she got tuckered out necessitating yours truly acting as your friendly neighborhood sherpa to carry her back to her bed.

In the mean time, puppy watch continues. I expected to hear the pitter patter of little paws yesterday, but God apparently hasn't given the pups their GO signal yet.

Momma is really a sweet little lady, and I expect she will be a good momma dog to her babies. We have no idea what the pups will look like since we have no clue what the  male side of the equation looks like. I'm gamely trying to remain unattached to her which is really hard because she is an easy dog to like and who wouldn't want to take in an animal in need (discounting the piece of trash who dropped her off on the side of the road). M&M is already in love with her, and Momma Dog lights up like a church on Christmas Eve when M&M comes in to check on her. As much as we would like to take her in, we have other considerations not the least of which are three cats, a rabbit and an unknown number of puppies who need new homes. So, her status remains in limbo for the time being.

So, anyone looking for a sweet dog or a puppy? The puppies need a few more minutes in the oven before they will be done cooking at which time the recipe says to rest them in a cozy spot for about 8 weeks. Pics of pups to follow. Let me know if you are interested. Free to well qualified good homes.

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

The Pen Is Mightier Than The Sword...

...unless it's a .50 BMG Pen.

In which case, the .50 BMG Pen has an effective range in excess of 2600 yards. This was a recent gift from Mimi. I just have to remember to keep it out of my carry on bags when traveling. I'm pretty sure TSA would not allow this pen on a plane.

Saturday, December 8, 2018

Saturday Evening Sillyness

I just call it a butt warmer.

Or, you know, your ex-wife's mother.

PETA= Peopele Eating Tasty Animals

And donuts

I'll be kind and not name names here. 

So, there was a fourth wise man, Marty, who brought glad tidings and Van Halen's Eruption.

Nothing a little duct tape won't fix.

I'd do that if it would fit in a cup holder. Maybe for the office. 

13. Turkey bacon, while not an abomination unto bacon, is not an acceptable substitute.
14. Beef bacon, however, is awesome.

Wednesday, November 7, 2018

Election Results

Dear Outgoing Speaker of the House Paul Ryan,

Congratulations genius. You and your establishment buddies managed to screw up a conservative’s wet dream. You had full control of all three branches of government, and you still couldn’t unbugger the mess in Washington.

Why am I blaming you and not President Trump? Simple. Trump’s power is limited to enforcement of the laws you give him to work with and exercising the bully pulpit to champion his own agenda. Yeah, yeah…executive orders. I’ll see your excuse, and I’ll raise you an accusation that it’s Congress’ fault that “a pen and a phone” is all that’s necessary to get around the Constitution these days. You can thank your predecessors for that one (Gulf of Tonkin Resolution ringing any bells?), and you and your spineless buddies have done nothing to correct the problem since.

Go enjoy your fat, Congressional pension in retirement you useless bag of warm spit. Thanks for nothing.

Dear Incoming (again) Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi,

Congratulations on regaining the gavel you hollow eyed, former hippie, walking argument in favor of term limits. Now that you have your toy back, what are you going to do with it? I’d strongly recommend against wasting my hard earned money on investigations that are going to go exactly nowhere. Impeachment? Not happening. You don’t have the votes in the Senate. Besides, if you investigate Trump, you damn well better investigate Hillary unless you want your gavel taken away from you (again).  

Here’s another suggestion: ever hear the saying “a rising tide floats all boats”? How about working in the country’s best interests for a change instead of lining your own pockets and those of your billionaire donor class puppet masters?

How about an observation, which should be obvious to everyone, for you too. 2016 is over. Too bad, so sad that The Donald made a mess of Queen Hillary’s ascension to the throne. Deal with it and move on. You’re stuck with him just like we are stuck with you. To quote your messiah, Barry Obama the Organizer, “Elections have consequences.” You want to keep a firm grip on that gavel? How about starting with admitting that ACA should never have seen the light of day to begin with and push for its repeal. Do that and actually honor your oath of office for a change, and you might just get to die in office like McCain did.

While we are on the subject of the [un]Affordable Care Act, it was an unconstitutional disaster of a law intentionally designed to fail so that you and your wannabe socialist buddies could usher in socialized medicine. Haven’t you kept track of the news? Socialism DOES NOT ^%$##$%^&*!!! WORK. Socialism requires massive amounts of OTHER PEOPLES’ MONEY! The only reason Europe has a halfway functioning socialist democracy is because it receives MASSIVE amounts of foreign aid from the UNITED STATES. Without US money and military presence (allowing Europe to spend less on defense), Europe would be on its way to being Venezuela.

Last suggestion: how about you start acting like a leader and stop demonizing the half of the country that disagrees with you and your party? While you are at it, a leader holds their own people accountable for mistakes, transgressions and outright, flagrant violations of the law. Get your flashlight out and poke into the corners of Hillary Clinton’s email server and Diane Feinstein’s driver for starters.

Good luck, I’ll be praying for you, and feel free to check back for more suggestions. I’ve got plenty to go around.


Daddy Hawk, A Humble (broke) Taxpayer

Wednesday, October 31, 2018

Wednesday Wackiness?

It's been a while since I've posted anything. Maybe I'll fill the gaps soon. Maybe I won't. Been traveling. Been caring for the family. Been working. The usual. More to follow eventually when I get around to it. In the meantime, have some random humor.

Personally, I think this is overkill. I'll just great him at the door with a Marlin 1895 in .45-70 and a 1911 in .45. That should get the point across nicely.

Took a quick work road trip yesterday, and The Queen and M&M went with. M&M forgot to bring things to occupy her time and discovered the joys of watching the scenery pass by. She was less than amused.

Without Google, without Wikipedia, without cell phones, without computers for the most part. I started college with an electric typewriter.


This is far too subtle. You need to be close. Close enough for him to hear the sound of your bowie knife on the whetstone.

Chances are good they have experience.

Mexican Machiattos from Yummy's Cafe on South Padre Island are just dark enough for me to plan...nevermind.

Never...ever...THINK  about doing this to a redhead. You'll die. Your soul will be tortured. Your memory will be deep fried in a vat of liquified body parts....

You will never, ever, look at a bowl of dip the same again.