Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Wisdom From M&M

And now for something a little different. Not completely different, mind you. Like a penguin on your telly. That would be copyright infringement.

The Queen posted this on her Facebook page today quoting our lovely, now, 5 year old wunderkind, M&M:

"When people stop hugging, they stop loving."

I tell you what, that little girl has a lot of wisdom in her little brain. She gets it from her mom, The Queen.

I've always been a touchy, feely kind of guy (not in the pervy sense), and I never pass up a good hug. Once upon a time, I believe I had just turned 16, my dad was dropping me off at the house following some event. He stuck his hand out to me to shake my hand instead of reaching to give me a hug like he had done for the previous 16 years. I looked at him like he had just grown a second set of nostrils on an extra pair of noses. His reasoning: he thought I wouldn't want to hug him now that I was old enough to drive.

I proceeded to disabuse him of that notion.

I plan on hugging that little girl every chance I get for as long as she will allow it. Somehow, I don't think she will ever decide that she doesn't need a hug from the old man.

Friday, December 16, 2016

Kitten Fight

So, this happened recently.

His name is tentatively Tinkle Splat (don't ask me, I have no idea). The list of rejected names continues to grow, and includes some sidesplitting gems including F**k Muck which resulted from a word rhyming exchange between The Queen and M&M. Having to explain to an innocent 5 year old that, yes, the universal adjective is a bad word and, no, I am not going to explain why while laughing hysterically does nothing to enhance your parental credibility.

Friday Funnies

We deal with a lot of dog bite claims where I work. I made this meme to add a little humor to the end of a regular roundtable meeting agenda.

I'm thinking someone failed their driving test.

Which is why I spend a small portion of my days thinking up dog bite memes for work.

I wonder if this would work with Golden Retrievers...only you sell the stuff they bring back.

Yep. I demand guns. Lots and lots of guns. Have you seen my wish list lately? Speaking of which, i need to update it again.

Han shot first.

Load me up, light the fuse and run baby.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Bill of No Rights

Ed. - I found this in my creative writing folder gathering dust. I can't remember when I first read it or where I came across it. It's not my work, but I like it and it seems appropriate in the wake of the election results. Beyond correcting one glaring typo and some minor formatting for readability, I've done nothing to it. 

A Little History...

The Bill of No Rights was written by Lewis Napper, a computer programmer in Jackson, Mississippi, after listening to a radio report about then President Bill Clinton's abyssmal free health care plan in 1993 on his way home from work. As he wondered about why some people think that they deserve government provided health care, he decided to write a bill for these people, the "Bill of No Rights," and shortly after listening to the broadcast, typed it up and e-mailed it to a few of his friends where it is now found through the Internet and often mis-credited; the most notable case being Mitchell Kaye, a Georgia lawmaker who e-mailed it to a few of his friends. Napper takes it in stride, e-mailing people who got it wrong, and asking them to change. Most do, except the stubborn few who refuse to believe him. Despite mis-credits, the Bill of No Rights is certainly a part of Internet history.

The Bill of No Rights

We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, delusional and other liberal bedwetters. We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - and not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful. Do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.

ARTICLE IX: You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness - which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Friday Funnies - Early Thanksgiving Edition

Since I will be working on cooking my SECOND Thanksgiving dinner on Friday, we will just get this out of the way early.