“And Then They Put The Cuffs On…”

 So, recently, Number One Follower, brother by choice and all around best bud, posted the following meme on the Book of Feces:

Now, at this point, I’ve been around him for 34 years, and I know most of the good stories and was present for more than a few. There was the purple stuff incident, “METEORS, DUH!”, and “He’s here with his thug friends”. 

The ensuing comment exchange saw NOF throwing down the gauntlet with: “… can any life truly be considered complete until you can tell a story that has “and then they put the cuffs on me “in it?”

To which I replied: “I have one of those stories.”

This is that story. It’s not the most exciting story about getting cuffed, but it’s mine. 

So, there I was, early in my career as a claims adjuster. Still wet behind the ears in terms of experience and generally naive about the ways in which the world in general and the legal system in particular conspire to screw people over. This was my first “professional” job after college for a company that I had worked for during college. Shortly before this incident, I had turned in my notice and was going to go to work for the family business (turns out that circumstances conspired to make that not happen, but that’s a story for another time). 

As a claims adjuster, my job was (still is) to investigate claims, evaluate them and settle them. One such claim involved an auto accident down in Houston, TX in which a mother and her two kids were rear ended in a car by someone insured by the company I worked for. As is frequently the case, the mom retained an attorney who filed a lawsuit. Eventually, we came to a mutually agreeable settlement. I can’t recall the amount we paid to mom, but we settled the two kids for $900 each. 

When dealing with the claims of minor children, there are two main methods of getting a release of claim for your insured. First, you can get the court to appoint an attorney as a “guardian ad kitten”, hold a hearing on the reasonableness of the settlement and then the guardian signs off on the release. Or, you can choose to go with a “parent/guardian indemnity release”. Some states require the ad litem process or set minimum thresholds to go through that process. At the time, Texas did not require it or have a minimum threshold although it was generally advisable to do so if the kid was seriously injured or the parent had some conflict of interest or you just thought they were sketchy and needed someone more trustworthy to sign off on the deal. 

Anyway, these two kids went to the doctor one time and were young enough that they’d never remember they were in an accident much less that they were injured. So, we opted on the parent/guardian release. Both sets of attorneys agreed this was reasonable and proper. So, we cut checks, signed paperwork and plaintiffs’ counsel was to file a notice of non-suit with the court. 

For reasons that I never knew, their attorney filed a motion for non-suit instead of a notice. What’s the difference? A notice is just that. It tells the court the lawsuit is being dropped with no further action necessary. See you later. Thanks for playing. A motion, however, requires the court to set a hearing to officially rule on the motion. 

So, on the date of the motion, the attorneys show up for the hearing, and the judge asks “Where is the ad litem?” The attorneys state that no ad litem was retained in light of the minimal amount of damages and the parent/guardian release.

The judge. Lost. His. Furry. Little. Mind. 

The judge demanded a “Show Cause” hearing to explain why we violated a court order (which did not exist by the way) requiring a guardian ad litem to settle the claims of the minor children. He also issued a subpoena for me to appear at the hearing in person (more on that in a second). 

Unbeknownst to everyone, the judge had gotten HIS butt in a sling over a settlement involving a minor prior to his election to the bench. Hence, his serious case of the vapors over our following generally accepted practices. 

So, I was told to play nice and show up in Houston on the date of the appointed hearing. Knowing what I know now that the subpoena range in Texas is only 150 miles, I was at least 100 miles into “screw you” territory and could have told his (dis)honor to fold his subpoena up into 100 sharp, little corners and use it as an origami suppository. 

But I didn’t know that then. 

Anywho, I showed up in Houston after a bright and early flight from Dallas. We stroll into the courtroom to await our hearing. The judge came in and called the hearing to order at which time an assistant district attorney announced “ready”. 

This, as they say, should have been a clue as to what was to come. 

The ADA launched into questioning of the first witness, me, as to why I/we chose to violate the court’s order on minor settlements. This went on for some time. Apparently, the judge was not satisfied with the ADA’s questioning and proceeded to do his own questioning from the bench. 

When I finally answered his last question, which I gather did not please him, he immediately held me in contempt of court, sentenced me to be confined in the county jail for 1 day, fined me personally $500, fined both lawyers a much higher amount which is lost to my memory and fined the company I worked for $1,000,000. 

To say I was shocked was an understatement. I sat there with my jaw hanging open in utter disbelief at what I was hearing. The next thing I know, the attorney representing me at the hearing was asking me to hand over my belt, wallet, jewelry, etc so that it didn’t get lost in booking. 

While this was going on, the ADA was asking the judge if he was really supposed to have me booked in the county jail and suggested that my sentence might be better served out in the court’s jury room. 

Which is how I found myself handcuffed to a chair in the jury room of a Harris County courthouse. The bailiff was a tough as nails woman who made it clear that any effort on my part to escape would result in dire consequences. I assured her I had no intentions of going anywhere. 

That lasted about 10-15 minutes until it was time for a trial to begin in the same court. The bailiff came in to tell me I was being moved because they needed the jury room and the chair to which I was cuffed. I was uncuffed and led to the bailiff’s desk where I was told to sit quietly and don’t move. 

I did the best I could not to fidget, but jury selection is only minimally interesting if you’re not directly involved. Eventually, I had to go to the bathroom, and the bailiff allowed me to go unescorted with stern instructions to be back in 5 minutes or else. I returned promptly. 

Around about noon, the court recessed for lunch. The bailiff had to remind the judge that I was still technically in custody and what should she do with me. He told her to release me, and I was given the green light to go forth amongst the general public again. Since I had literally nothing but the clothes on my back, I asked the bailiff if I could make a local call to which she agreed. 

I called my attorney’s office to come get me which they did. I later learned that they had spent the morning on the phone trying to figure out how to spring me from custody only to be brought up short by my early release. 

That lead to the discussions about what to do next and how to appeal to ruling. 

Long story short: we hired the judge’s ex-girlfriend who was a partner at a very prestigious law firm (and later a president of the state bar association) who filed an appeal with the criminal court of appeals. The appellate court tried to beg off issuing a ruling by claiming it was a civil matter and they were a criminal court of appeals. Our attorney filed a blistering motion for rehearing basically saying “Oh yes it is” citing the incarceration and fines which made it their jurisdiction. 

The court of appeals made a call to the judge and, from what I understand, said words to the effect of “Make this go away or else.”

Tbe next day, the judge entered a docket note vacating his prior ruling. We briefly considered filing a lawsuit against the judge for violating my civil rights, abuse of office and whatever else we could think of. Ultimately, we chose not to as it would cost us more than the damages we could reasonably argue to recover. 

The judge has since retired from the bench and still works as a mediator last I heard. He also went through a rather nasty divorce which included some rumors of drugs and infidelity on the wife’s side. Not too long ago, he was proposed as a mediator on one of my cases, and I said you don’t want me in the same room with him. 

So, that’s my “cuffs” story. Not all that exciting, but it’s the only one I intend to get. 

Monday Madness

 

Full Time RV Life in the Winter

We have been living full time in an RV for the last three years while we sort out how and what to do next after a rather disastrous 2021. If you watch YouTube RV influencers, they tend to gloss over some of the more challenging aspects of RV life for full timers. One such challenge is water in the winter. 

For those who slept through pretty much every science class and weather report since the beginning of time, water and freezing cold temperatures don’t play well together. The recent arctic blast that dropped temperatures in North Texas to sub 30 degree weather and occasionally sub 20 degree weather revealed a fly on the ointment of our RV’s water system. 

Our RV is supposed be “4 Season” capable. That term apparently has a wide variety of meaning in the industry. I my particular case, it DOES NOT mean that you can take the rig into freezing temps without some modification. For instance, case on point: the water system.

You would THINK a 4 season capable rig would have some insulation on the water system to help prevent freezing. Ha. Hahahahaha…. Yeah. Not so much. My rig DOES have a “heated and enclosed underbelly” which means the main propane heater on the RV is ducted into the underbelly which has a relatively thin layer of corrugated plastic and basic fiberglass insulation. The theory is that this will keep the pipes and tanks from freezing. While I haven’t experienced a tank freeze yet, the drain hoses most definitely will freeze and become blocked.

The bigger issue, in my opinion, is the water inlet panel which, on my RV looks something like this:

The black material is plastic. More correctly, probably 1/16” to 1/8” think plastic with NO INSULATION WHATSOEVER behind it. What’s more, the red light you see if a heat lamp showing through the gaps in the panel. Gaps which are a direct exposure for cold air to enter the RV. 

This rats nest is the other side of the water inlet panel. The water manifold itself is plastic; and, as you can see, it is a mix of PEX and braided vinyl tubing. All of that is connected together with plastic PEX fittings. Notice the complete lack of insulation. 

What I discovered is that the water inlet manifold was leaking at the connections on the backside. The plastic PEX fittings were leaking which I learned is pretty common where the braided vinyl tubing connects to the PEX lines as PEX fittings are not suitable for vinyl braided tubing which require a barb fitting and a worm clamp as opposed to a PEX compression ring. 

So, guess who is rebuilding the water inlet panel at the next opportunity, beefing up the fittings to brass, adding insulation and eliminating as much air gap as possible. Yeah. Fun. Add it to long honey do list. 

 The animals don’t see to be too concerned about it though. 

First Friday Funnies of 2025

My only question is whether I will survive whatever is happening next  

Knowing what I know about motors, I’m betting that LS has some serious oiling issues.

M&M has been told that I will be wearing a 1911 Barbecue Gun at her wedding.  

 

Advice for M&M - Automotive Edition

 It has been a while since I have offered any advice for the youngling. Who, by the way, is now officially a teenager. I suppose that means I have to retire the Cutest Little Girl in the World moniker and come up with something more age appropriate. She claims 90% of her personality comes from me. So, it’ll probably be something inappropriate. 

Without further ado, I present some accumulated automotive wisdom. 

1) The gas gauge lies. Consider it a reasonable facsimile of an estimate at best. Most gas gauge’s rely on a small plastic float attached to a thin metal wire lever which, in turn, is attached to a sensor that hopefully some college educated idiot calibrated correctly before turning the design over to a factory in China where someone whose name may or may not sound like loose change landing on cookware might or might not know how to assemble Part A into Slot B correctly such that a functional part results. 

Corollary: fuel flow meters are marginally more accurate, but it’s a garbage in garbage out system if the computer programmer coding the ECM can’t tell the difference between his/her/their nostril and fourth point of contact. For instance, the fuel flow meter on my truck’s information center is off by 1.2 to 1.5 gallons used per tank. So, if it says you’ve used 30 gallons, you’re really at about 31.5 gallons gone and fumes will only get you so far. 

2) Allow me to explain a concept important to pilots and people on a long cross country road trip in a 3/4 ton pickup: Usable Fuel. According to Ford, my truck has a 35 gallon tank. Now, depending on the phase of the moon, the slope of the gas station pump lot, the angle the truck is parked, atmospheric pressure, and whether or not you have pissed off God in an amusing way, you MIGHT only be able to put 34 gallons in or you could get lucky and squeeze 35.5 gallons down to pipe. The truth is you never REALLY know how much gas you have in the tank. 

Now, on with our explanation. From our nebulous starting point of a “full tank of gas”, you can’t use the entire theoretical amount of gas in the tank. What? The hell you say! T’is true. There are several factors conspiring to prevent you from using every drop and fume of gas in your tank. For instance, tank baffles and ribs and other obstructions. Your tank doesn’t have a flat bottom. There are, in fact, ridges and things to keep your gas from sloshing around too much and keeping your from starving out the fuel when you have to panic stop because you dropped your donut into you coffee while putting on makeup and watching Tik Tok. 

With that in mind, there is a point at which the “sock” attached to the bottom of your fuel pump can no longer reach and absorb fuel remaining in the tank. When that happens, the go juice no go to the fuel lines connected to the carb(s)/injectors and makey no fire to push the pistons that makes the magical horsepower and torque that flogs the wheels to merry go round. Eventually, your momentum runs out and you get to meet your local roadside assistance person. Not. Happy. Making.

Another corollary: manufacturers have been know to lie about capacities too. I had a Nissan Maxima once that claimed to have a 25 gallon gas tank. More than once, it took 27 gallons to fill it after a certain red head drove it.

3) Not all parts are created equal. If you want to be absolutely sure a part SHOULD/WILL work in your car, buy the branded part. Motorcraft for Fords, MOPAR for Dodge/Chrysler, etc. That isn’t to say that the factory branded parts are the BEST parts, but they are the parts that the factory used to build the vehicle as designed.

 Now, here is where it gets kinda hinky and weird. Ford doesn’t make all the parts for their cars and trucks. That’s outsourced to private label manufacturers who may also sell similar / identical parts under their own brand or someone else’s. So, if you buy a Motorcraft spark plug, it may have actually been made by Denso or Autolite or someone else to Ford’s specs and put in a pretty box that says “Motorcraft” on the outside. But the people that made that plug don’t cash FoMoCo paychecks at the end of the month. There are people who will swear on their dying breath that the off branded plug made on the same line to the same specs doesn’t work in their vehicle.

 Maybe. Maybe not. 

My truck just got a new set (all 16 of ‘em) of NGK Iridium plugs. These are plugs that are supposed to be better than factory platinum plugs, but I keep getting weird misfire codes  I’ve swapped coils, removed plugs, checked gap, reinstalled, made sure everything is securely connected, etc. And  yet, if you look at it funny, it shows intermittent misfire codes. My cousin the mechanic turned engineer tells me “Yeah, NGKs don’t do well in domestic vehicles.” 

Son…of….a…. Do you know how much those SOBs cost?

4) where to buy parts? In the grand hierarchy of cost to benefit, the dealer will be the best place to buy parts but also the most expensive. At the other end of the spectrum is a junkyard sourced part from the same vehicle (“it ran when crashed”). So, what do I suggest in the between space. In my opinion, eBay is the parts supplier of last resort. I’d rather have a junkyard part over an eBay part of questionable quality and origin. Been there. Done that. For brick and mortar stores, I’ve had equal luck/success with Autozone, O’Reilly’s and Advanced Auto. Price wise, they are all in roughly the same ballpark. Ditto for quality. Autozone has an asterisk by them as they saved me from being stranded in a small town on July 4TH many years ago. For online parts stores, Rockauto is my first choice and Amazon as a distant second. I’ve not personally used any of the other online parts houses. So, I will cast no shade where I’ve not been.

5) All vehicles are compromises. Comfort, speed and power are just a question of how much money you want to spend. Generally speaking, as horsepower, torque and speed increase, gas mileage, longevity and reliability decrease. Need proof? Go watch any high performance racing event. NHRA drag racing is a prime example. It’s pretty common to see at least one if not more 10,000 horsepower, nitro methane, supercharged V8 grenade in spectacular fashion over the course of a weekend. And they do a complete tear down and rebuild in between each 1/4 mile run. Unless you pull a heavy trailer or have other special needs, a naturally aspirated V6 makes all the power and speed most people need. You don’t need a 600 horsepower, twin turbo V12 in your daily driver grocery getter. 

6) Like the signs at the shop says: Repairs can be good, fast or cheap. Pick any two. If you want it cheap and fast, it won’t be good. If you want it good and fast, it won’t be cheap. If you want it good and cheap, it won’t be fast. Choose wisely. 

Taco Tuesday Meme Dump

 It’s been a while since I’ve done a meme drop. I confess to running out of give a care at the end of each day such that I can’t be bothered with spreading discontent and mirth on any kind of basis. Social media in the run up to an aftermath of the election also was a bit of a buzzkill to my attitude too. I’m giving serious consideration to burning my accounts down and resorting to other means to communicate with the outside world. 

So, with that in mind, enjoy these accumulated gleanings while you still can. Maybe things will turn around, and I can once again resume my semi-regular random postings. 

Now, I kinda need to go invest in a new shotgun. Can you imagine the investigating officer questioning the burglar? Cop: “So, tell me again what you heard when you got inside the house?” Burglar: “A bright light blinded me, and I heard someone yell ‘SAY NO TO QUACK!!’ There was a loud noise followed by pain. I’m pretty sure I passed out after that.”

I’ll take the 1970 please. In blue. 

Tally ho!

The Queen…bless her insane little heart…gets premonitions…about animals needing rescuing…which come true. Yes, I’m broke. No, I’m not too proud to take donations.