Ed. - I found this in my creative writing folder gathering dust. I can't remember when I first read it or where I came across it. It's not my work, but I like it and it seems appropriate in the wake of the election results. Beyond correcting one glaring typo and some minor formatting for readability, I've done nothing to it.
A Little History...
The Bill of No Rights was written by Lewis
Napper, a computer programmer in Jackson, Mississippi, after listening to a radio
report about then President Bill
Clinton's abyssmal free health care plan in 1993
on his way home from work. As he wondered about why some people think that they deserve government
provided health care, he decided to write a bill for these people, the
"Bill of No Rights," and shortly after listening to the broadcast,
typed it up and e-mailed it to a few of his friends where it is now found
through the Internet and often mis-credited; the most
notable case being Mitchell
Kaye, a Georgia lawmaker who e-mailed it to a few of his friends. Napper takes it
in stride, e-mailing people who got it wrong, and asking them to change. Most
do, except the stubborn few who refuse to believe him. Despite mis-credits, the
Bill of No Rights is certainly a part of Internet history.
The Bill of No Rights
We, the sensible people of the United
States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance
of justice,
avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe,
promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty
to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time
to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny,
guilt-ridden, delusional and other liberal bedwetters. We hold these truths to
be self-evident: that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that
they require a Bill of No Rights.
ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a
new car,
big screen TV or any other form of wealth.
More power to you if you can legally
acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You do not
have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom,
and that means freedom for everyone - and not just you! You may leave the room,
turn the channel,
express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and
probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be
free from harm.
If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more
careful. Do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives
independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free
food
and housing.
Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help
anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation
after generation of professional couch
potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation
of professional couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free
health care. That would be nice,
but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in health care.
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right
to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill
someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric
chair.
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the
possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce
away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of
us get together and lock you away in a place
where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to
demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars
to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments
and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not
enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time
battling each and every little tyrant with a military
uniform and a funny hat.
ARTICLE IX: You don't have the right to a job.
All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in
hard times, but we expect you to take advantage
of the opportunities of education and vocational
training laid before you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to
happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness
- which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance
of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
