Wednesday, September 4, 2013

A Quick Thought on Parenting

The Queen and I have been chatting here of late about the nature of parenting. It's been a discussion born of our experience fostering and then adopting through the foster care system. The Queen, being the humble soul that she is, remains concerned about how M&M sees her and whether she is being a good mommy to her.

I, being the dutiful husband/father, have assured The Queen on many occasions that she is, in fact, a terrific mother. The only mother M&M has ever truly known.

Then, I had a sudden fit of clarity if you want to call it that.

I told The Queen that being a parent has nothing to do with the blood, but it has everything to do with the love.

M&M sees us as her parents not because of any genetic bond. She sees us as her parents because we genuinely care for her and her well being, we praise her and set boundaries for her, we comfort her and make her feel safe, we hug her and kiss her and call her George.

We also provide for her physical needs, but that has nothing do with how she sees us as parents. She is too young to be materialistic. She has no idea whether the clothes she wears are designer labels or not. She has no idea whether the food we feed her is organic or conventionally raised. The only thing she cares about at this point is that she is with us.

It's just my opinion, but I think the world would be a better place if people put more emphasis on the love and less on the blood and material things.

14 comments:

  1. I'm not sure if I've already shared this poem with you two but:



    "Not flesh of my flesh"

    Not flesh of my flesh
    Nor bone of my bone,
    But still miraculously my own.
    Never forget for a single minute,
    You didn't grow under my heart,
    But in it.
    Author: Fleur Conkling Heyliger

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    1. Odysseus, I don't recall for sure. It looks very familiar, but I couldn't say if you were the source or someone/somewhere else.

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  2. In 2002, I asked my beloved to marry me and her mom asked me what I thought of gaining 3 kids from the previous marriage.
    My reply was simply "They may not be the children of my blood but they are the children of my heart."

    11 years later, I find that I have 4 grand children. My daughter is engaged and her finance has a child from a previous relationship. My son, though getting divorced now, married someone with 2 children from previous relationships and fathered a third with her.

    4 Kids -- that I see as nothing less than my grand children (woo be unto those who say differently).....as you say because of the love, not the blood.

    It's just my opinion, but I think the world would be a better place if people put more emphasis on the love and less on the blood and material things.

    I think too many people lost something absolutely precious when they switched from trying to spend time with their loved ones to buying something to show their love.

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    1. Bob, very well put. I've told this story before in other places, but my wife's grandmother was "grandmother" to a whole mess of college students. She loved them all no less than she did her own, and many of them returned that love in kind.

      As to your last sentence, agreed. The Queen was nanny to a family that bought the kids everything and spent almost no time with them at all. Now, both kids are gone away from school. Probably never to return. The boy is a selfish man child who is afraid of the real world because he has never had to work for anything. The girl has a good head on her shoulders, but I fear she does not know what love really is and will perpetuate the cycle.

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  3. God bless your good heart. I literally rummaged through my history to find this link http://www.lifewithkatie.co.uk/2013/08/parenting-on-pedestal.html/ This might help. It talks about pedestal parenting that I think what the Queen feels right now. By the way, calling her the Queen, I find kind of cute :)

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    1. Janet, welcome and thanks for the comment. I followed the link and will read it when I have more time. The Queen likes her title too.

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  4. As the mother of 4 bio kids, and one adopted through US foster care, I can say that you are exactly right. It is not your job to give any of your children everything they want, in fact, it's counterproductive, because the world certainly won't. Give them love, perspective, education, boundaries, and the rest comes ounce by ounce and inch by inch. Our son through adoption tells everyone ! He says he was custom picked from thousands, and that would actually be right !

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    1. Jane, custom picked.. I like that. We didn't get a pick so much as a right of last refusal.

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  5. My daughter was barely 2 when Mrs. Paladin and I tied the knot... I legally adopted her when she was 3. Your absolutely correct. Paper/No Paper, Blood/No Blood - what matter's is what is in your heart and the effort you put forward to do right by them.

    I never wanted kids and never imagined myself being a father (and now grandfather!). Best things that ever happened to me, without a doubt. Just goes to show that I actually may not know EVERYTHING after all :)

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    1. Paladin, welcome. I can relate. I never would have guessed how much I have become attached to my daughter and fatherhood.

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