Friday, September 20, 2019

You've Never Really Lived...

...until you've vacuumed your back yard.

I know it sounds like a really messed up punishment you'd give a kid for some epic screw up, but this really happened recently.

You see, several years ago, The Queen convinced me we needed patio furniture. Pro tip to all: patio furniture should be made out of dimensional lumber. Anything else is a waste of money. Case on point to follow.

The Queen, being a serious shopper when she sets her mind to it, found a listing on Craigslist for a little out of the way shop that had a set up patio furniture for sale for a stupid low price. If you've ever priced patio furniture at a big box store, you know dropping a kilo buck is not uncommon for "decent" patio furniture. I forget the exact price, but I think it was sub $500. This is almost Guido "It Fell Off The Truck" territory, but we checked the place out and it was legit.

Any deal, one of the selling points for The Queen regarding this particular set of patio furniture was that the table had a glass top. Pro Tip Numero Dos: Never, EVER, buy a glass top patio table in North Texas (where hail storms with baseball or larger hail are a regular thing). Luckily, for me at least, this set of patio furniture managed to dodge several hail storms and even one tornado. Unfortunately, time and weather had not been kind to this set of furniture. Texas heat is brutal, rain rusts metal, things break and get lost...you get the picture.

So, after about a decade of service, we put the patio furniture aside for eventual disposal and/or repurposing.

Well, along came the dogs. Two dogs who'd never met a free range bunny in the backyard before. They really wanted to get to know Taco a lot better. Taco was less than thrilled with that idea.

So, The Queen decreed that a barrier must be erected to separate Taco and the pups. A trip to Home Depot and the parting of  $80 to$100 of my cash later, and we had a barrier. Of sorts. The dogs, managed to defeat my best efforts at fencing on a distressingly regular basis. Part of the problem was that we had to have a gate to allow access to the Taco side of the fence. This was the weakness that the dogs exploited. The Queen had a light bulb moment, and the table top from the patio furniture was pressed into service as a sliding gate supplement.

It did not end well.

Roughly 3' x 7' of shattered glass
One fine summer day, the weather turned nasty in a hurry with winds blowing storms in toot sweet. That lovely slab of glass patio table top toppled over and immediately fragmented into about a million little pieces of super sharp silicon.

Well, I needed an excuse to by a shop vac. I just never guessed it would be to vacuum the yard.



Thursday, September 19, 2019

How to Offend a Snowflake

Honestly, I didn't set out to offend anyone. Really. I have very little trouble getting along with people. In hindsight, I should have expected what happened given the forum. Like a lot of people, I have a personal Facebook page. Facebook , in their infinite wisdom, has labeled me extremely conservative which I find a tad presumptuous that they would assume my political leanings based on my postings. Apparently, they find no irony in hypocrisy. But, whatever.

Anywho, around about a couple of months ago, we were out for a family outing, and I saw something that I found amusing and posted same to The Book of Feces. Said post was as follows:

"Just saw a woman wearing a “Notorious RBG” (Ruth Bader Ginsberg) t-shirt. I never noticed until now that RBG bears a striking resemblance to Don Knotts."

The t-shirt in question was more or less this one:



For comparison, here is a photo of Don Knotts:



Boy howdy, I didn't expect this in response:

"Wow. I hope when I'm judge in my old age, people look at my loving treatment of  my family, my exceptional education, my contribution to my work groups, and not my looks (even though I do take very good care of myself physically and aesthetically). So fun being judged! In Christian tradition I thought this was frowned upon?"

Um....okay. This person is someone I went to high school with; and, to be honest, I cannot recall ever having a class with her or knowing her back then. I (foolishly, in retrospect) accepted her friend request when I got connected up with my 30 year high school reunion Facebook page. She lives in either Denver or Boulder Colorado, is pretty proud of her looks from the number of selfies she posts and hates Trump. You can safely assume her political leanings. I won't be offended.

And, now for the rest of the story.

My response:

"I’m not sure what about my post gave you the impression that I was in any way judging RBG or overlooking her accomplishments, education, etc. However, nothing could be further from the truth. While I disagree with her politically, I said nothing negative or judgmental about her. Further, I fail to see how commenting that one person bears a resemblance to another person is judgmental or critical or unchristian. If I had said that she resembled someone or something and then stated a negative connotation with that statement, then I could see you inference having some validity. As it is, you have judged me based on an assumption that you made that I was somehow implying a resemblance to Don Knotts was somehow a negative reflection on RBG. So, go put your stones away and go have a look in the mirror for the log in your own eye."

Her retort:

"Then what do you gain by posting a hilarious and derogatory comparison if not to be judging?"

My Rebuttal and Final Word:

"Why do you judge me by assuming that I’m making a hilarious and derogatory comparison? Did I say that the resemblance was hilarious? No. Did I say that the resemblance was in any way derogatory? No. Did I say anything Judgmental AT ALL about RBG? Not one word. That is all you reading something into two sentences worth of text.

The truth of the matter is that my father-in-law has watched The Andy Griffith Show every night for the last two years, and my wife, daughter and I watched The Incredible Mr. Limpet the other day. Both of which have Don Knotts in prominent roles. When I saw the t-shirt, I thought the face belonged to Don Knotts, and it was only after I figured out what the words on the T-shirt said from a distance of 20 feet away that I realized it was a picture of RBG. So, pardon me for sharing an innocent observation."

She chose to shut up after that. Surprisingly, she didn't unfriend me either.

Wednesday, September 18, 2019

Speaking of Product Testers...

Chester recently went in for his lopitoffame procedure. Poor guy. He'd really taken a...special...liking to his sister. Alas, their love will be forever a strictly platonic love from now on.

Any incest...

As you would expect, Chester was sent home wearing the cone of shame.

Higher than a kite, but getting great reception. 
He was so pathetic that first day. He'd go outside and try to sniff out a spot in the yard to pee. Trot, trot, trot, head down, cone/face plant, screeching halt, SNIFF!! Lift head, watch leaves and dirt fall out of the cone. Lather, rinse, repeat. After the drugs wore off though...



He didna like it.


Not one bit.

So, being an avid DIY type and closet Pinterest scanner, we gave the pool noodle "clown collar" a go. My niece, I Do It, had reported good success with Chester's brother Doc using a clown collar a few weeks previously.


This is actually version 2.0. Version 1.0 was the same color but using a smaller diameter noodle. The smaller noodle was an immediate fail defeated by Chester's long neck and tongue in seconds. Well, version 2.0 didn't fare any better. So, we attempted a version 3.0 by doubling up the narrower and larger diameter noodles.


Guess what? Version 3.0 was also defeated by the same long neck and tongue as previous models. So, on the recommendation of a friend, I decided to give one of the inflatable collars a go.



This one, in fact. Cost me $40 bucks or so at Pet(not so)Smart. Note the little black strap? It's supposed to be attached to the collar. That feature didn't even last five minutes.


Looks pretty big all inflated, don't it?


Guess what? They don't do squat when they've been aggressively deflated. 10 minutes was all it took him to have that sucker destroyed. The Queen managed to super glue the puncture holes shut, but it was a lost cause at that point.


It was off again in not time. We gave up. Fortunately, he'd healed enough by that point that it was better than even odds that he wouldn't kill himself.

I want my $40 bucks back though. Stupid dogs.

Monday, September 16, 2019

Dear Kong,

My wife and I recently purchased one of your Kong branded dog beds which looked a lot like this one in the store:


It looks comfy. The product information claims it to be double reinforced, twice as strong as regular fabric beds, etc. Lies. All lies. Now, I don't know who or what is testing your products, but they are clearly incompetent. Please allow me to  introduce you to your new product prototype testers:


They may not look like much all cute and snuggly on the loveseat, but this:


is what they are capable of when they set their furry little minds to destruction.

Please contact me to discuss scheduling and compensation for their services.

Sincerely,

Daddy Hawk

Sunday, September 15, 2019

Happy Blogiversary To Me

I've been a bit busy, and I let an important milestone slip past without nary a whisper. Behold, back in August, this little corner of the internet turned 10. Imagine my surprise. 

I've been in the process of saving my posts to Word documents for later compilation. Don't ask my why. It seemed like a good idea at this time. In the process, I couldn't help but re-read a lot of what I've written; and, frankly, I'm amazed that some of you have hung on as long as you have. There are the occasional rare gems tucked away here and there, but a lot of what I've written is pretty meh (you may have a differing opinion, and that's fine). 

One of these days, I might just put together a "best of" post to link to some of those gems that some of you late comers might have missed along the way. 

Anyway, thank you to everyone for hanging around. Drop a comment or two once in a while if you are so inclined. No promises, but I'm going to try and kick out more content beyond just funny (to me) memes. There are several posts queued up for this coming week. I hope you enjoy. 

Sunday Funnies

Talk about a news story that just died on the vine. This one got punted to the back page before his body was even cold. 

The one thing that Trump could do to restore my hope in our government is to indict Comey and Hillary. Won't happen in this life though. 

That whole thing stinks. 

Don't care how good it tastes, I'm not drinking from that cup. 

How far does a plane fly with no wings? All the way to the crash site. 

Beef bacon, however, is pretty darn good. 

The scene cut from Empire Strikes Back. 

Feel the hate. Good, good. Let it flow. 

Is it Taco Tuesday yet?

I hope this one is real. It's too good not to be. 




Just say no to catnip.

You just know the desert is full of cat turds. 

Yep. I've seen my share of WTH ?claims. 


Press 1 for English


Sunday, August 11, 2019

Sunday Funnies


The only thing wrong with is that there are not three winters in Texas (except maybe Amarillo). Winter is usually on a Thursday.


Have fun storming the castle.

Having grown very rapidly between 5TH and 6TH grade (seriously...over a foot of growth in 1 year) and a metabolism that resulted in not being able to put on any muscle mass, my back and joints have been protesting for the better part of 35 years now. You learn to live with it and adapt.


I could eat brisket pretty much every day. Brisket tacos will be the death of me.








Spiders are allowed to stay in our house as long as they stay in their webs in the corner to keep the fly and mosquito population in check. If they violate this rule by dropping on us from the ceiling, we have a brief interlude of interpretative dance before counseling them on poor life choices and relocating them to the back porch for a time out.


I'm pretty sure this violates Federal law and common sense...I want it.


Can you imagine either Archie Bunker or The Jeffersons airing today?


Awkward.

Tacos are one of the four main food groups. They are essential to a healthy diet.


When sitting in a boat drinking a beer just isn't cutting it anymore.

 I'd fly it.


Nope. No one will know a thing. I'll be faking my death and disappearing.


The French Army tests out its new tactical diapers.



Evil finds a way. Always.


Gotta love dogs. They'll do anything.


This is actually very true.


The struggle is real.


The youngest nephew and his wife just spawned their first tricycle motor. I sent him this.


If you don't get this one, have a young person explain it.


There is absolutely nothing suspicious about Epstein's "suicide". Nothing at all. The rope found around his neck was purely coincidental to the two gunshot wounds to the back of the head and the drug overdose and the HRC monogrammed scarf stuffed in his mount.