Showing posts with label TANSTAAFL. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TANSTAAFL. Show all posts

Thursday, January 5, 2023

If The Shoe Fits...

 


I'll not name names or point fingers, but I'm sure there are a few in the audience who could use a "Just say no!" pep talk right about now. You can't please everyone nor should you try. It's especially pointless to try to please dead people on account of them being dead and all. 

Monday, March 16, 2020

I Will Never Know...

I was at Total Wine a few days ago to get a bottle or two for The Queen. While there, I spotted this. 


According to the Glenfiddich website, that is a 70 centiliter bottle. The Google conversion math wizard says that converts to 24 ounces more or less.  So, a wee dram of that Sccotch is just a touch over $1583 an ounce. 

Blink, blink. 

That drink was distilled and casked in the year I was born give or take a year or two. As curious as I am to find out how it tastes, I never will. I can't even bring myself to spend more than $30 for a bottle of wine. No way I'm ever going to be able to buy a bottle of Scotch that costs more than every car I've ever owned. 

Still though...any one wanting to gift me a tumbler full can reach out to me through the blog. I'll even say real nice things about the benefactor. 

Wednesday, November 7, 2018

Election Results


Dear Outgoing Speaker of the House Paul Ryan,

Congratulations genius. You and your establishment buddies managed to screw up a conservative’s wet dream. You had full control of all three branches of government, and you still couldn’t unbugger the mess in Washington.

Why am I blaming you and not President Trump? Simple. Trump’s power is limited to enforcement of the laws you give him to work with and exercising the bully pulpit to champion his own agenda. Yeah, yeah…executive orders. I’ll see your excuse, and I’ll raise you an accusation that it’s Congress’ fault that “a pen and a phone” is all that’s necessary to get around the Constitution these days. You can thank your predecessors for that one (Gulf of Tonkin Resolution ringing any bells?), and you and your spineless buddies have done nothing to correct the problem since.

Go enjoy your fat, Congressional pension in retirement you useless bag of warm spit. Thanks for nothing.

Dear Incoming (again) Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi,

Congratulations on regaining the gavel you hollow eyed, former hippie, walking argument in favor of term limits. Now that you have your toy back, what are you going to do with it? I’d strongly recommend against wasting my hard earned money on investigations that are going to go exactly nowhere. Impeachment? Not happening. You don’t have the votes in the Senate. Besides, if you investigate Trump, you damn well better investigate Hillary unless you want your gavel taken away from you (again).  

Here’s another suggestion: ever hear the saying “a rising tide floats all boats”? How about working in the country’s best interests for a change instead of lining your own pockets and those of your billionaire donor class puppet masters?

How about an observation, which should be obvious to everyone, for you too. 2016 is over. Too bad, so sad that The Donald made a mess of Queen Hillary’s ascension to the throne. Deal with it and move on. You’re stuck with him just like we are stuck with you. To quote your messiah, Barry Obama the Organizer, “Elections have consequences.” You want to keep a firm grip on that gavel? How about starting with admitting that ACA should never have seen the light of day to begin with and push for its repeal. Do that and actually honor your oath of office for a change, and you might just get to die in office like McCain did.

While we are on the subject of the [un]Affordable Care Act, it was an unconstitutional disaster of a law intentionally designed to fail so that you and your wannabe socialist buddies could usher in socialized medicine. Haven’t you kept track of the news? Socialism DOES NOT ^%$##$%^&*!!! WORK. Socialism requires massive amounts of OTHER PEOPLES’ MONEY! The only reason Europe has a halfway functioning socialist democracy is because it receives MASSIVE amounts of foreign aid from the UNITED STATES. Without US money and military presence (allowing Europe to spend less on defense), Europe would be on its way to being Venezuela.

Last suggestion: how about you start acting like a leader and stop demonizing the half of the country that disagrees with you and your party? While you are at it, a leader holds their own people accountable for mistakes, transgressions and outright, flagrant violations of the law. Get your flashlight out and poke into the corners of Hillary Clinton’s email server and Diane Feinstein’s driver for starters.

Good luck, I’ll be praying for you, and feel free to check back for more suggestions. I’ve got plenty to go around.

Sincerely,

Daddy Hawk, A Humble (broke) Taxpayer

Tuesday, June 5, 2018

Comings and Goings*

*Much has transpired since last we spoke. Those who are connected to me on the Book of Feces already know some of what I'm about to write. Grab your tissues now. You've been warned.

Along about Thursday evening before Mother's Day, The Queen and I were out and about minding our own business running mundane errands. One of those errands included a stop by the local PetSmart to receive our semi-regular fleecing for the privilege of overpaying for pet food (this is not a complaint against PetSmart as it's not really their fault that our animals HAVE to have the "good" stuff). As we were pulling into the parking lot, we noticed a lady pushing a shopping cart with a small ball of fur in it. The Queen immediately squealed sweet nothings about the unknown boo boo, and I slowed the chariot to avoid making the poor woman and said boo boo a grease spot in the lot. I did roll down my window to ask if The Queen could take a closer look (I know my wife too well).

Before I could say "Whatcha got in the basket Red?", the somewhat harried lady apologized to me for blocking the way. I allowed as how we were not in a hurry nor were we miffed with her presence and advertised The Queen's desire to inspect the fluff ball. Come to find out, the smidgeon of fur was a wee feline of roughly six weeks of age that the lady had spotted in the street moments before it had a close encounter of the Goodyear kind. The kitten apparently did a fair job of tuck and roll or was clipped ever so slightly by the unknown vehicle as the only visible indication of a near pancake experience was a slight scrape on his chin.

The lady told us she was bringing the little guy to PetSmart to see if they could take him in or connect him/them up with a rescue group as they already had their full allotment of felines currently and were unable to find room at the inn. The Queen immediately gave me "The Look"; and, I, manfully trying to maintain a desperate grip on some semblance of control and sanity, allowed as how we did not need another kitten either. The Queen was clearly disappointed, but she did not press the issue.

In what I suspected to be a foregone conclusion, I told The Queen to stick close to the lady and intervene if PetSmart was unable or unwilling to assist. The Queen was only too happy to oblige and proceeded to "help" the lady by holding the micro feline while the lady attempted to talk reason with the PetSmart employee and eventually a rescue organization loosely affiliated with PetSmart.

I went off to take care of the hunting and gathering of the supplies we had come for in the first place.

When I returned, I overheard the last part of the call with the rescue organization. The net result was that they could not take the feline until they found a willing foster family. Failing that, they would have to take the little to a regular animal shelter with the possibility of very short life expectancy.

I heaved a heavy sigh, told The Queen to take possession of the fluffy thing that was sharp and pointy on five of six appendages and staggered off for a bag of kitten kibble while muttering quietly about the fairness of life in general.

A half-hearted effort was made to locate a suitable home for the interloper, and I even received one interested party. Unfortunately, he and I were unable to connect before the kitten had dug his little claws into the family's heart and refused to let go.


Dirty pool little fuzzball, dirty pool.

So, we are the proud slaves to a now 10ish week old male kitten named Winkerbean.

Several other names were tried on for size including:


Binky
Rocket
Stinker
Clawed
Ozzy Clawsbourne
Pinball (appropriate, but taken by my aunt’s cat)
Hissy (previously taken by another family cat and retired)
Rocky
Freebie
Spot (also previously taken)

Have you ever tried to get a six year old to agree on a name for an animal? Especially a six year old who named her rabbit Taco? Winkerbean was the compromise with two out of three family members agreeing and me issuing the deciding edict that we were done trying on new names.


He's definitely settled in for the long haul now. Cute little bugger with a healthy purr and an unhealthy appetite for electrical cords. 


Little did we know that God, in His infinite wisdom, had sent little Winkerbean to us for a reason. 


We have known for about the last two years or so that our remaining dog, Numbnutt - The Half Dog, has been living on borrowed time. He had a close call with a bad case of acute gastroenteritis a couple of years ago and less serious recurrence about a year ago. We just never knew how much time we had left. 


He was born in August of 2005 to my oldest niece's dog, Lilly, while The Queen and JuJu were off cavorting in St. Kitts while I was stuck finishing out my last few days working for a truly evil company before relocating to Houston for a new job. 



The proto Numbnutt on the right.
My niece claimed the proto Numbnutt for her own before giving away his siblings to those well qualified suckers who showed interest. She gave him his first name by trying to placate my displeasure at her lack of responsibility for allowing Lilly to get pregnant by naming the proto Nutt after me. At the time, I was not pleased with the comparison. I got over it. 

So, the proto Nutt went home with Juju and Lilly. Several months later, we received a call from my brother in law that the proto Nutt was in danger of becoming extinct thanks to his momma teaching him to kill chickens. It seems that my brother in law's wife had marked the Nutt for death and was seen looking for suitable implements to off the goofball for the crime of being a dog with a taste for hatched eggs. 


My brother in law, not being one to allow such a fate to befall an "innocent" dog when he knew there were animal lovers in the family to guilt, called The Queen. The Queen asked for/told me I was giving permission to rescue the Nutt, and he was delivered somewhat unceremoniously to our house whereupon he became of ward of my father in law since we had relocated to Houston and had not yet found permanent housing. My father in law bequethed upon him the second of his many names, Tornado, because of his boundless energy. To this day, my father in law refuses to call him Numbnutt. 


Following our return from Houston thanks to The Queen's Mystery Illness interlude, he more or less became a shared dog between us and the in laws. Hence, the appellation of "The Half Dog." It was during the Mystery Illness/Unwilling Two Year Separation that The Queen essentially claimed the Nutt as her own. On one of her good days, she was playing with the dog in the yard, and he was happily acting goofy as always. The Queen said, "You're such a numbnut!", and the rest is history.


From that day forward, he has been Numbnutt. Anywhere we went, he drew praise for his good looks.


Handsome little devil
Inevitably, people would ask his name...and then do a double take when we said "Numbnutt" with a straight face. It became really funny when M&M came along and was old enough to proudly say his name. The college girls at the nearby university found him irresistible when we took our evening walks over there.

Numbnutt has been fiercely protective of his humans and loyal to a fault. He was always especially fond of sharing kisses with anyone in range...which was surprising how far that tongue would reach. "No tongue!!" became a standard phrase around the house.

As he aged, he never lost a step. He would go and go and go. He never grayed around his muzzle like most dogs in their 10s.

Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. Last Thursday, M&M came into the bedroom where I was doing something and said that there was problem with the Nutt. I came to investigate and immediately called The Queen. Numbnutt had just finished his dinner when he collapsed in the living room. I found him on his side, breathing heavily with a rapid heart rate. He had voided his bladder and bowels and was not focusing or responsive. We succeeded in getting him to his feet, but he only made it a few feet to the kitchen before he collapsed again. This time, he threw up his dinner.

Being after normal vet hours, I was not looking forward to another visit to the 24 hour vet in town. My last experience with them was not pleasant. So, I did a quick Google search and the first result was another vet's office that was open until 10:00PM. We loaded the car quickly, and I called the vet's office while on the way to see if they could work us in while explaining the situation.

Numbutt gamely tried to stand up during the car ride to watch the world go by, but his legs wouldn't keep him up. We arrived at the vet's office in short order, and The Queen filled out the necessary paperwork. We were ushered to a room, and the vet came in after a short wait. He was an older gentleman evoking the image of a kindly, family doctor. After hearing our description of the symptoms and doing his own examination, he laid it out for us in gentle tones that he could do a lot of tests to confirm what he already knew....our dog was dying. He said plainly that he could run the tests and probably determine whether it was a tumor or an internal bleed; but, ultimately, there was nothing that could be done. He recommended euthanasia as opposed to prolonging the suffering.

The Queen, in particular, was heartbroken. We were all crying, but The Queen was especially sad. Numbnutt was her comfort during her illness when I was unable to be there for her.


The Queen and Numbnutt - May 2017
The Queen was Numbnutt's Alpha. He would listen to her no matter what. He stood by her and made her smile no matter what. He lived to make her happy and receive nothing more than a kind word and a head scratch or a belly rub in return.

His passing was as peaceful as we could make it. The vet did an excellent job of a difficult task, and I cannot say enough good about them. They earned our respect and will be our regular vet going forward. I took Numbnutt down to Mimi's property to find a suitable resting place.

Like any good dog, he loved to dig holes and lie in the sun. Unlike many dogs, he never bothered cats and left Taco the rabbit alone as well.

I found him a nice spot in the open surrounded by trees so that he could still lie in the sun.





Like all good dogs, Numbnutt loved to dig holes and lie in the sun. He just needed a little help digging the last one.

Rest well our faithful boy. Enjoy the sun.

Friday, February 9, 2018

Buyer Beware

Once upon a time, around about the end of August last year, the fuel pump on The Queen's chariot went Tango Uniform. Come to find out, it's a fairly well known issue that Ford fuel pumps eventually take a dirt nap after the electrical connector in the fuel pump housing melts. Most fuel pumps installed in the gas tanks use the gasoline to keep the pump cool. Run the tanks down too low, and you have nothing to cool the pump which contributes to the electrical connectors melting resulting in fuel pump failure.

Look at the melted plastic where the red arrow is.
Guess who has a tendency to run the fuel tank down "0 miles to empty"? 

Here's another question for you: where does Ford mount the fuel pump?


If you answered "inside the fuel tank under the [expletive deleted] 6000 pound SUV", you win the "sweat your ass off in the Texas heat on a crappy asphalt driveway" award. This is not a job you look forward to doing twice. 

So, on with our story. Auto parts stores wanted $250 to $300 for a replacement fuel pump. Since I was still recovering from being laid off (again), $250 to $300 is a lot when you're pinching pennies. I went looking for a better deal, and located a new pump on eBay for $72. The seller had good feedback. The listing indicated that So, money was paid and a fuel pump arrived. After a late night of laying on crumbling asphaly under the SUV in the "cool" evening temperatures of 90 degrees with naught but a headlamp to light my way, the fuel pump was in and working. 

For a time. 

A week ago Sunday, the "new" pump decided it was a perfect day to die. 

I reached out to the eBay seller to see about getting the pump replaced under warranty:

"I purchased a fuel pump for a 2007 Lincoln Navigator in August 2017 from CN Batteries. It appears that the pump failed yesterday (pending confirmation). What is the warranty replacement policy/process?"

Polite. Reasonable. To the point.

The response I received was confusing:

"ok,we know,how about you pay $70,we will send you a new one,is it ok?
regards"

Huh?? Now, my English isn't always the best, but my guess is that English isn't this person's strongest subject. 

I decided to seek clarification:

"Your reply makes no sense. I purchased a fuel filter from you via eBay less than 6 months ago for $71.99. That fuel pump has now failed, and you are suggesting that I send you $70 and you will send me another one? Seriously? Is that your idea of a joke? 

I just got done doing the diagnostic testing. There is power to the engine compartment power distribution box, and the fuel pump fuse and relay are both good. However, there is no sound of the pump pressurizing when I turn the ignition key to the on position. In all likelihood, when I go through the trouble of pulling the dropping the tank to get to the pump I bought from you out of the tank, I am betting the pump is going to turn out to be bad. Your eBay listing indicates the pump comes with a 12 month warranty. Warranties generally mean replacement of defective products within the warranty period. We are well within the warranty period. So, again, what exactly is covered by the warranty you say your product comes with and what is the process to get a replacement?"

Perhaps I'm getting a little peaved a this point.

CN-Batteries doubled down with the following reply:

"ok,we know
the only way to get the replacement is to pay us $69
if you don't pay the money,we can't send you the replacement freely,hope you understand
regards"

Now, I'm not an unreasonable person, but this is moving the needle from a little peaved to not a happy camper. 

I strongly urge them to reconsider the error of their ways with this:

"No, I don't understand. Your product listing indicates the pump has a 1 year warranty. Does your product have a 1 year warranty or not? If it does not contrary to what your listing clearly states in the "item specifics" section of the listing, you are engaging in false advertising. If it does, how can you justify first asking for $70 and now $69 to replace a defective product under warranty. If you do not provide a proper explanation immediately, I will have no choice but to post this entire exchange on social media and escalate this issue to eBay for resolution."

They, for reasons which I cannot fathom, are either too blind to see the error of their ways or incapable of repentence as evidenced by their next reply:

"This is our company policy

the only way to get the replacement is to pay us $69
if you don't pay the money,we can't send you the replacement freely,hope you understand
regards"

Well, even an unhappy camper should give one last chance:

"Your company policy is in direct contradiction with the terms of your listing. As previously stated, your eBay listing states the product has a 1 year warranty. You are required under the eBay Selling Practices Policy "...to meet the expectations you've set in your listing." You have created an expectation that there is a one year warranty on the product sold. I don't know what warranty means where you come from, but where I come from warranty does not mean requiring a purchaser of a defective product to pay $2 less than full price to get a replacement under warranty. Since you obviously have no intention of honoring your warranty or living up to your other false promise of 100% buyer satisfaction, you leave me no choice but to escalate this to eBay and publish this entire exchange via social media in the hopes that other consumers will not fall victim to your unscrupulous business practices."

Well, I did warn them.  

So, don't expect CN-Batteries to honor their warranty. Don't expect their fuel pumps to last through their alleged warranty period. 

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go lay down in some crumbling asphalt under a 6000 pound SUV again. At least it's not 90 degrees out this time. 


Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Do Yourself a Favor (A Health Insurance Rant)...

DO NOT EVER, EVVVVERRRRR, request an online quote for heath insurance from Agile Health Insurance or their Go Health website.

They claim they will not sell your information or release you private information. "Your trust is our highest priority. We will never sell your information; we will keep your information secured; and we will disclose it only as allowed by the law and this Privacy Policy. - See more at: https://www.agilehealthinsurance.com/privacy#sthash.xSDANrKM.dpuf"

HAH!!!

Within minutes, literally, of inputting my basic information into the website for an online health insurance quote that is supposedly compliant with the "Affordable" Care Act, I began to be inundated with phone calls from friendly, licensed agents. 19 calls in four hours. One poor sod called 3 times in 15 minutes. I say poor sod because the poor lady that was stuck with me after the cheerful telemarketer on the other end of the auto dialer transferred me got a bit of an attitude and an earful from me. I received calls from no less than 4 agents from the same stinking company.

I received emails.

I received texts.

I'm half expecting a pony express rider to show up on my door step in a few minutes with an urgent message about my frickin' health insurance coverage.

The agent who hit the trifecta by calling, emailing AND texting, got a nasty gram in response in which I told him to lose my information. I didn't say "or else", but the threat of dire consequences was implied by my tone. He responded that he doesn't like the way these companies sell information either and that I ought to sue the company that sold my information. I recommended he, as an agent dealing with that company, should give the head of marketing the same treatment I got and see how they like it. I might have suggested a thorough reaming of an orifice or possibly creation of a new one.

I would have suggested a tabasco enema with a chainsaw chaser, but I'm trying to cut back on my daily expressions of sarcasm.

Now, I know these are people trying to earn a living, and the ACA has not made their lives any easier. Not only that, I can half way respect the agents with enough humanity left to actually dial the phones themselves and leave a message. But I will NOT answer a call from a number I do not recognize, nor will I return a call to a number that does not have a real, live human being leaving a message.

If I can find the call center where the robo-dialer that auto dialed me 3 times in 15 minutes is located, I'm taking a sledge hammer to the server, pouring gasoline on the remains, watching it burn, salting the earth around it, and erecting a massive robot with a flaming sword and strict programming to destroy anything that comes within the property boundaries to prevent anyone from rebuilding on that site.

Ever.

I ought to go back on the site and input my congressman's information just for giggles. That ought to take care of the problem.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Tilting at Liberals 2: The Rebuttaling

Back in July, I posted about the exchange I had on Facebook with the liberal lamenting how minimum wage will not support a two bedroom apartment. There was more to the exchange. Unfortunately, I never got around to finishing posting the response to my response. So, now that I have all this glorious time on my hands, I figured it was time to get back into the swing of things and wrap up some loose ends.

First, her response:

I understand your point and agree with it as well, but I was thinking more about the people who DO have skills but are down on their luck and can't FIND work that suits their abilities. Yes, those jobs that pay minimum wage are GREAT for unskilled teens who don't need to necessarily support themselves and a family. There are a lot of elderly however who are barely existing because they can't make a decent wage, and they have no one to help them make ends meet. Even $10 an hour is hardly enough to live on and support a family with these days and there are PLENTY of jobs for SKILLED workers that only pay $9 or $10. I was referring to those companies that DON'T pay what a worker is worth, but the workers don't really have much of a choice but to work for a low wage OR starve, and many of them are barely eating as it is. I definitely didn't mean to offend you, or anyone else, [Daddy Hawk], with my post. ;)

I, myself, have skills, but am not able, at this point, with my health issues, to work enough hours to support myself. I'm hoping that the improvements I'm trying to make will allow me to begin to work soon. I'm working on a disability case until I can get my health back to that point, but I will NOT be able to exist on just disability, even.

My girls are sharing living expenses, and I hope that they do work hard to improve their skills and that they WON'T start families until they either themselves are able to support one, or until their future husbands are able to do so! Unfortunately, with my health the way it has been for so long, and with me being the ONLY parent around, and no one else really playing a role as mentor, they haven't seen the examples that many kids in the church have been exposed to, of hardworking parents with skills that help them make a good wage, usually of a Father who supports the family with HIS skills and a mother who is able to stay home and be there full time for the kids. We definitely haven't had the ideal life, but God has provided for us in spite of that. I pray He will help my girls to learn on their own what they need to know and that they will work hard and keep their health unlike myself. ;)

Now, I had originally intended to do a thorough fisking of her response. As I started drafting my response though, I discovered that there was a lot I wanted to say that didn’t fit well with a good old fashioned, beat down because her response didn’t contain enough to work with for a launching point. So, instead, I decided to just go with a detailed counter response and let fly.

[Facebook Liberal], first off, you have nothing to apologize for, and you did not offend me. I took issue with the political agenda behind the image you shared by a Washington DC based, liberal, lobbying group and expressed my opinion countering that agenda. The image is rhetoric, pure and simple, and misrepresents the issue to garner sympathy and support from people who have neither the time or interest to really understand the issue. Which is exactly how we wind up with social programs that cost more than the country can afford and don't work to boot.

Let's take a close look at the smoke and mirrors behind the image for a moment. As Mark Twain said, "There are lies, damned lies and statistics." The image says that nowhere in the US can you afford a 2 bedroom apartment working 40 hours a week earning minimum wage. 40 hours a week at $7.25 per hour for 52 weeks is $15,080 a year ($1256.66 per month). They expect you to assume that a person earning minimum wage will receive no other forms of assistance so that they have to rely solely on that meager (you know that's what they are thinking) amount of money.

No discussion of earnings would be complete without taking federal and state income tax withholding, social security or the now federally mandated health insurance requirement into account. Medicare and SSDI taxes hit your paycheck for 7.65% combined. Federal income tax withholding claiming 9 deductions is 8% according to my last paycheck. So, let’s call total withholding something between 15% and 20% for most people. One week of wages at $7.25 per hour is $290. Net take home without considering insurance is between $232.00 and $246.50. It's not a ton of money, but it will go farther than you think if you make wise choices. 

Insurance is expensive no matter how you slice it, and it has only gotten worse since Congress bent us all over a barrel with the “Affordable” Care Act. But, let’s consider reality for a moment. If you are between 16 and 25 (or 26…I forget the cut off) [which is also the demographic most likely to be earning minimum wage], you still qualify for mommy and daddy’s insurance plan. So, you reject the healthcare coverage offered by your employer (assuming you are lucky enough to have employer provided healthcare) and continue believing you are invincible because you are young and employed. The other end of the demographic scale that earns minimum wage is retirees (those 62 and older). They qualify for Medicare which is a whole other can of worms that I’m not well versed enough to open.

Next, they want you to assume that a 2 bedroom apartment is the bare minimum that someone needs to survive. Perhaps. Perhaps not. The unspoken assumption here is that they want you to visualize ONE person earning minimum wage HAS to afford a 2 bedroom apartment to house a family instead of just themselves. Otherwise, why mention a 2 bedroom at all? I think you and I can agree that a single person can get by just fine with an efficiency or even a small one bedroom apartment. That's cuts your rent needs by 30 to 50% easily. So, they obviously expect you to add kids to the mix so that you feel more sympathetic to the cause. How many? 1? 2? 10? I won't try to argue that parent(s) + 10 will fit in a one bedroom apartment, but I will say that you can make mom, dad and 2 or 3 work in a one bedroom.

Now, they expect you to believe that NOWHERE in the US can you find a 2 bedroom apartment within the budgetary means of one person earning minimum wage. How exhaustive has their study been? How many people are really affected by the problem to begin with? Many a young (or elderly) married couple quite happily share small apartments without fuss or bother. Before we sold Castle Erickson, there was a nice young couple (she was an artist and he was an engineering major) who rented a garage apartment from a neighbor for the low, low price of performing maintenance around the property as needed. I personally rented a two bedroom apartment for $425 a month that I shared with a friend. Granted that was 20 years ago, but that dump hasn't gone up that much in rent even ignoring Section 8 assistance. And that completely ignores the movement of people living in 100-200 square foot tiny houses partially or completely off the grid and mostly debt free (Google "Tiny House Movement" or Tiny Houses...fascinating concept).

Based on my own recent research, NICE 2 bedrooms are starting at about $900 a month (roughly $10,800 a year in rent) in the Collin County suburbs. No minimum wage earner in their right mind is going to rent a $900/month apartment in the 'burbs, but I bet they would rent a subsidized apartment for $500/month in the inner city where there is some public transportation.

To quote someone else smarter than me whose name I forget, "You can have your own opinions, but you cannot have you own facts". In my humble opinion, I think we can safely state that their argument is a factually unsupported opinion covered in bovine excrement.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, I can go to town fisking the comments the liberal did make. Liberal in italics. Me in Bold.

I understand your point and agree with it as well,

No, not really. If you understood and agreed, I wouldn’t have to fisk the rest of your comments.

but I was thinking more about the people who DO have skills but are down on their luck

Luck has nothing to do with staying employed. Making wise choices and working hard are the keys to success. Getting a degree in medieval French poetry is not likely to lead to a successful, well paying career. Sitting on your ass checking Facebook every five minutes won’t do it for you either no matter how wisely you chose your career path. Being valuable to an employer by having education, skills and experience that benefit an employer’s bottom line will result in an employer looking for ways to keep you.

and can't FIND work that suits their abilities.

What exactly is this? The only job that matters to me is the one that earns a paycheck to put food on the table. If that means sweeping floors or designing airplanes, so be it. Refer back to making wise choices, if your abilities consist solely of medieval French poetry, it’s time to work on collecting some other abilities.

Yes, those jobs that pay minimum wage are GREAT for unskilled teens who don't need to necessarily support themselves and a family.

Minimum wage serves no other purpose than to be an arbitrary value for unskilled labor.

There are a lot of elderly however who are barely existing because they can't make a decent wage, and they have no one to help them make ends meet.

What choices did they make to put them in that position? I know people just like this; and, as harsh as it sounds, they did it to themselves. It is not my responsibility (unless they are family) to be the backstop for their poor retirement planning.

Even $10 an hour is hardly enough to live on and support a family with these days and there are PLENTY of jobs for SKILLED workers that only pay $9 or $10.

Choices, choices, choices. You are responsible for the choices you make. If you are making only $10 an hour, why are you starting a family? As for the jobs for skilled workers paying $9 or $10 an hour, you need to back that up with examples. I’ve been in the job market for a month now, and the only jobs I have seen earning $10 an hour or less are entry level and unskilled positions. Don’t like the pay, change industries. Entry level insurance claims adjusting positions pay significantly better than $10 an hour, and they will train you.

I was referring to those companies that DON'T pay what a worker is worth,

A worker’s worth is measured by the value he or she brings to the company. Having said that, every position in any company (from CEO down to the janitor) has an economic tipping point at which it is more cost effective to automate, outsource, downsize or otherwise replace an employee who no longer brings a positive value to the company. Fast food workers are in danger of pricing themselves out of a market right now. You can go into a fast food restaurant now, step up to a kiosk, select your own meal, and pay for your meal without interacting with a human until the food preparer hands it to you. I have experienced that myself at a couple of different chains so far, and more will follow suit. Food prep can be automated as well.

but the workers don't really have much of a choice but to work for a low wage OR starve, and many of them are barely eating as it is.

There’s that choices thing again. Everyone has a choice. The number of options you have to choose from depend entirely on your prior choices. Choose wisely.

I definitely didn't mean to offend you, or anyone else, [Daddy Hawk], with my post. ;)

Probably not…you just didn’t think before you blindly posted something ridiculous.

I, myself, have skills, but am not able, at this point, with my health issues, to work enough hours to support myself.

I understand having health issues after taking care of The Queen for the last 8 years or so. I also understand that health issues are often the result of poor choices. It’s not my place to judge your choices, but I can say it might be worthwhile to examine the choices that got you to this point.

I'm hoping that the improvements I'm trying to make will allow me to begin to work soon.

Improvement is good.

I'm working on a disability case until I can get my health back to that point, but I will NOT be able to exist on just disability, even.

It would seem you are existing just fine since you just got married.

My girls are sharing living expenses, and I hope that they do work hard to improve their skills and that they WON'T start families until they either themselves are able to support one, or until their future husbands are able to do so!

Hope doesn’t pay the bills. Teaching your kids the value of hard work and wise choices both through example and daily interaction will reinforce the values you want to instill better than anything else.

Unfortunately, with my health the way it has been for so long, and with me being the ONLY parent around, and no one else really playing a role as mentor, they haven't seen the examples that many kids in the church have been exposed to, of hardworking parents with skills that help them make a good wage, usually of a Father who supports the family with HIS skills and a mother who is able to stay home and be there full time for the kids.

This sounds like an excuse instead of taking responsibility for poor choices. So, where is their father? Whose choice was it to have kids with a deadbeat dad? You have mentors aplenty in the church to steer your kids towards if you will take the time to build those relationships.

We definitely haven't had the ideal life, but God has provided for us in spite of that.

God is merciful that way, but He also likes to see a little initiative and effort on our part.

I pray He will help my girls to learn on their own what they need to know and that they will work hard and keep their health unlike myself. ;)

For them to learn on their own???? Are you blind? How did that work out for you? God put YOU here to teach them and be their example not to let them learn everything the hard way.



Thursday, August 7, 2014

Insider's Guide for Outsiders: Evil Insurance Companies

A co-worker forwarded the link to this news article. For those who can't be bothered to click a link, here's the short version:

76 year old man gets into an argument with his insurance agent over why his auto insurance was canceled. Man gets physically thrown out of agent's office. Man sues agent. Man wins judgment. Agent's representatives attempt to partially satisfy the judgment with 17 buckets of loose coins.

As my current boss commented, there's got to be more to this story.

Now, I will admit that I have been sorely tempted to do something like this more than once in my insurance career. The one thing stopping me has been that the hassle of getting that much coinage together and delivering same far outweighed any pleasure I might have received at making a difficult attorney's life more difficult. I'm sure others in my profession will agree.

I bring this up because of a (probable spam) comment I received on my relatively recent post on litigation. The commenter stated: "Great information! Insurance companies don't like to pay claims and some inspectors or adjusters are invented to deny claims. With this said, if you have a legitimate claim, you should expect to be treated fairly and expect the insurance company to honor the claim."

My response to the commenter was: "I'm not sure what you mean by "some inspectors or adjusters are invented to deny claims", but I will say that claims people tend to be a jaded and suspicious lot by nature (it comes from too many dealings with sleazy lawyers and angry claimants). Insurance companies are in business to make money like every other business. As such, saying they don't like to pay claims is almost akin to saying the Pope is Catholic. Having said that, some companies have a well deserved reputation for being difficult and reluctant to pay claims while others are less difficult. Perhaps my next articles in the series will be on insurance companies and adjusters."

I thought I would take a moment and give a brief overview of the insurance business from the company perspective. 

First, let's get one thing perfectly clear from the start: with very few exceptions, insurance companies are in business to make money. Any insurance company failing to make money for very long does not tend to stay in business for very long. 

The primary vehicle for measuring the profitability of an insurance company is the loss ratio. In its purest form, the loss ratio is the total of all written premium collected divided by claims paid including expenses. There are two types of expenses: allocated loss adjustment expenses (A.L.A.E. for short though I've heard some people pronounce it as a word: "A-lay") and unallocated loss adjustment expenses (ULAE). ALAE is any expense that can be allocated to a specific claim file. The legal bill that pays for the attorney defending a specific lawsuit is ALAE as is private investigator, inspector, expert witness and other expenses when they arise out of a specific claim investigation. Adjuster salaries, office rent, electricity, phones, etc. are ULAE. 

A loss ratio of 1.0 is break even. Loss ratios of greater than 1.0 mean a company is hemmorrhaging money, and loss ratios of less than 1.0 mean that the company should be profitable. It is theoretically possible for a company to have a 1.1 loss ratio and still turn a profit, but that feat requires successful return on investment of premium dollars which I may or may not discuss further. In my experience, it is rare to see a reported loss ratio below 0.50. The most profitable companies typically run a loss ratio in the .55 to .75 range. The majority of okay but financially profitable companies run ratios between .75 and .95. Companies having issues typically run loss ratios very close to or above 1.0. A recent example would be Fireman's Fund's dismal performance the last two years running with combined ratios (a combined ratio is the pure loss ratio including investment performance) of 1.294 (2012) and 1.036 (2013).  

That's all so very nice and esoteric, but what does it mean? 

To be honest, lots of things and nothing at all. 

Underwriter and actuaries control one half of the equation (written premium) while the claims department controls most of the other half (losses paid and ALAE). Premium rates are set based on a variety of factors that are well beyond my limited math education and experience. Actuaries perform all sorts of calculations and review statistics (and goat entrails I'm sure) and analyze navels until they come up with a set of rates they think represents the rates that a given category of risk should pay. That's why teenage boys pay the highest rates for car insurance. Underwriters then stick their thumb in that pie and develop a set of underwriting guidelines that define the "appetite" for risk that the company wants to pursue. For instance, the last company I worked for prior to the one I am with now had a solid personal lines (auto and homeowner's insurance) and "middle market" appetite. They were content to pursue small to medium sized companies in a variety of industries, but they would steer away from anything too big or unique. Unique in the underwriting world = risky and hard to price. 

Another driver of insurance premium rates is policyholder retention (or whatever the term de jour is). Basically, there is a finite number of people and/or companies out there. Most of them already have policies which forces the insurance industry to compete on price and service. Service is almost exclusively (but not completely) owned by the claims department. Underwriting sells a promise. Claims delivers on the promise. That leaves price. A company losing market share might choose to lower rates or increase its underwriting appetite or both in order to bring in more premium dollars, at the risk of increasing the loss ratio. A company seeing its loss ratio rise might choose to do the opposite, at the risk of losing market share.  It's a very delicate balancing act. 

That brings us to the loss/claims side of the equation. As mentioned a moment ago, service belongs to claims. There is a distinction here that needs to be mentioned (one I've mentioned before). When you see an ad for an insurance company on TV talking about fast claims service, they are talking about first party claims. A first party claim is one in which you the policyholder are making a claim for benefits to be paid to you under your policy. An example would be making a comprehensive or collision claim on your auto policy. A liability claim where someone else makes a claim on your policy for benefits to be paid to them arising from an accident caused by your negligence is a third party claim. 

What difference does it make? Most states, if not all states, have some form of statutory or regulatory guidelines for how first party claims can/should be handled under pain of fine or penalty for failure to comply. As a result, the claims process for first party claims is pretty streamlined and efficient. Some companies still have field adjusters who will come to you; and, in some cases, they will even cut a check for the damages on the spot. Additionally, there is usually no requirement on a first party claim to prove legal liability as is required by the insuring agreement on a liability policy since a first party claim arises from contractual language as opposed to tort negligence theory. Prove that the contract was in effect and that the damages incurred are covered by said contract (which is usually self evident), and the check is in the mail. 

Most of the time, when someone is griping about an insurance company, they are griping about the handling of a third party claim. As mentioned in a prior post, the time frames on a third party liability claim can go on for years. Most people anymore lose their patience and tempers after a few seconds. So, you can imagine how much fun third party claimants are to deal with when you deny their claims. 

Now, as for the prevailing thought that adjusters look for reasons to deny a claim or that insurance companies don't like to pay claims, the short answer is that it depends. 

Most individual insurance adjusters are hard working people trying to earn a living and do a good job. They have neither the authority nor do they receive the level of reward necessary to incentivise denying valid claims for no reason. The average adjuster, in my experience, is handling between 75 and 175 claims at any given time depending on the complexity of the mix. Most adjusters have very limited personal authority requiring management approval for settlements/reserves above certain amounts, coverage issues, etc. Most adjusters also know that denying a claim does not mean it goes away. In this litigious society, they know that it just means a lawsuit will be coming in soon and that file will be around a lot longer. If anything, there is a human nature tendency to find ways to PAY claims because settled files very rarely reopen, and adjusters have better things to do with their time than reopen files. As such, a permanently closed file is a happy file. Yes, there are individual adjusters that are jerks who are difficult to deal with. Pick any industry...you will find your share of jerks there too. The bottom line is that adjusters are people too subject to the same pressures and feelings as anyone else.

At the company level, there is not an insurance company in business today that has an official "smoking gun" document from senior management that says "look for ways to deny claims" or something to that effect. No one I am aware of is that stupid given the lengths to which bad faith lawyers will go to find such information. Now, will middle management do or say something stupid like that? Yes. I had an assistant VP of claims at a large, international insurance company tell me personally "I don't care if it's right. I just want it done." I explained to him that I had no intention of doing what he told me as I had no intention of explaining why such an unethical thing was done when my deposition would be taken in the inevitable bad faith lawsuit. His boss agreed with me after the fact. I still left that company pretty quickly thereafter though. 

Will a company institute policies or procedures that make the claims process more difficult for everyone involved (adjuster and claimant alike)? Yep. Been there. Done that. Google "allstate colossus" for one such example. I've never worked for Allstate, but I did work for one company that also used Colossus for certain types of claims. I can attest that it is just like every other computer program in existence: garbage in, garbage out. 

One consequence of the whole loss ratio analysis discussed above is the cyclical nature of claims settlements. When the loss ratio is high, the claims department gets pressure to "lower the loss ratio" or "reduce expenses". This can take the form of taking more cases in litigation to trial (which is counter intuitive since it involves incurring more expense) or settling more cases (which is also counter intuitive for obvious reasons). Taking more cases to trial is problematic for a variety of reasons not the least of which is the almost Byzantine nature of our legal process. Most adjusters hate to lose cases at trial. As such, they tend to recommend very few cases for trial and then only those that have legitimate, unresolvable disputes or those that they believe are "slam dunk" cases. I have sat in more than a few roundtables where I've told upper management in no uncertain terms that trying a particular case would be an epic mistake. Usually, they are smart enough to listen and the case eventually settles. 

It should be noted that insurance companies don't just take premium dollars and dump them in an interest bearing checking account hoping everything balances at the end of the month. There is a whole side of the business controlled by accounting and the CFO that takes the money, invests it and hopefully scores a boatload of return on investment earnings in the process. Sometimes, that can blow up in their faces. AIG most notably went to the brink of oblivion just after the housing bubble burst in 2008 through over reliance on mortgage backed derivative investments. Hartford got splashed by that same bubble bursting for the same reasons but fared much better through a more diverse investment portfolio.

This is a pretty big topic that I am only scratching the surface of here, but I need to get back to work. If you are really that interested, you can dig into the mechanics of reserving and prior year development charges to present earnings, etc. That's homework for you CPA types. 

In closing, your attorney is no better or worse a person than the adjuster for the insurance company. Treat them with the Golden Rule, and things will usually work out the way they are supposed to.

 

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Insider's Guide to Insurance Claims For Outsiders: Litigation


Not too long ago, I was monitoring the trial of a large, complex third party liability claim involving multiple plaintiffs, a fatality, a severe injury, a bystander claim and several "dirty underwear" claims. It was interesting and boring all at the same time, and I genuinely feel sorry for the jurors who had to sit through that mess and render a verdict. It occurred to me that most people have no clue what goes on in litigation, the costs involved, etc. So, allow me to give you a primer on the world of litigation from the perspective of a jaded insurance claims professional.

First, let me give you a little background and disclaimer. I have been in the insurance business since 1991, and I've been handling claims since 1995. The majority of my  years of claims handling has involved handling, overseeing, negotiating, managing and otherwise dealing with what are considered high exposure, complex and litigated third party liability claims. I have dealt with attorneys on both sides of the bar. I have seen good, bad and average attorneys. I have dealt with fraud, exaggeration, malingering, faking, "lawsuit lottery", and a whole host of things that people try to pull thinking it makes their claims more valuable. I have seen the best and worst in people. I am jaded, cynical and not a little biased against plaintiffs, attorneys and judges.

To sum it up, when people threaten to sue me, my company or my insureds, I have a pretty good idea how things are going to play out.

So, where do we start?

First off, the United States Constitution and most, if not all, state constitutions guarantees everyone equal access to the court system. That includes illegal aliens whether we like it or not. According to my quick Google Fu, something like 15 or 16 MILLION lawsuits are filed across the US every year. Of those, on average, only about 2% of all lawsuits filed ever go to trial. Some estimates even put that number at less than 1% (which is pretty close to my experience at two large, national property/casualty insurance carriers).

Statistically, that means the likelihood of you "having your day in court" are slim. You are much, much more likely to settle your case out of court.

Now, let's talk about the length of time involved. All states have a statute of limitations which governs the length of time you have to bring a lawsuit. It varies from state to state, and the limitations period can depend on what kind of claim is involved. For instance, here in Texas the statute of limitations (a.k.a. "the statute" or the "SOL") is typically 2 years for most third party liability claims and 4 years for claims involving contract disputes. One exception to that rule is the statute of limitations for minor children. They get two years from their 18TH birthday to file suit.

So, for example, let's say you are in a car wreck today (which would be fairly typical reason for most people to consider litigation). It could be as late as 2016 before you have to file a lawsuit. Some states have a shorter limitations period (Louisiana is typically one year) while others have longer limitations periods (6 years is the max on a personal injury case that I am aware of and the majority of states have a two year statute). The statute can be as long as 20 years on contract claims in some states; and most notoriously, the state of Minnesota effectively lifted the statute of limitations in the 1-35 bridge collapse case a few years ago. That situation is a little more complicated because it involves long term construction defect issues and is hopefully an outlier rather than a developing trend.

There is usually no lower limit on when you can file suit. The case I mentioned at the beginning of this post involved an accident that occurred on a Saturday, and the lawsuit was filed first thing Monday morning. However, in some types of cases, there can be administrative hurdles you have to clear before you can file suit. Homeowner/Residential construction defect cases and employment discrimination (a.k.a. EEOC claims) cases often involve an arbitration or administrative right to sue process prior to filing suit.

Now, once you've filed your lawsuit, the waiting game REALLY begins. With certain exceptions, the parties to a lawsuit are entitled to engage in an information gathering process known as the discovery process. The discovery process is usually subject to time table either agreed to by the parties or dictated by the court and is usually governed by the controlling law's rules of civil procedure (ex. a Texas civil lawsuit filed in state district court would be subject to the Texas Rules of Civil Procedure). Some courts are known to aggressively push the cases assigned to their dockets in which affectionately become known as "rocket dockets". Other courts are ambivalent at best and outright slow or corrupt/incompetent at worst.

The discovery process is usually comprised of three phases (more or less). The first phase is generally referred to as written or paper discovery. This consists of requests for written interrogatories (a list of questions the party wants answers to...stuff like identify people with knowledge of relevant facts, etc.), requests for production (give us copies of stuff you have like police reports, photos, your Facebook account, etc.) and requests for admissions (admit or deny that you are a moron, etc.). The next phase of discovery, sometimes referred to as oral discovery, are the depositions of parties and witnesses. Finally, there is expert discovery which includes obtaining reports and depositions of potential experts including doctors, engineers, etc. Written discovery typically happens first but can continue through the life of the case as new information develops. Depositions and expert discovery can and often to happen concurrently although experts are often dealt with last just before trial.

Time wise, the discovery process can take as much time as the court will give you. In my experience, six months is about the bare minimum to expect for discovery in a simple two party car wreck case. It can go on for years if the court allows it. On average, I would say 9 to 18 months is pretty typical for most cases to get through the discovery process. As a rule of thumb: the more complex the case, the longer discovery will take.

Two other major time sinks in the litigation process are alternative dispute resolution (aka "ADR") processes such as mediation and/or arbitration and "motion practice" where motions for summary judgment, motions to dismiss, venue challenges and other legal minutia gets argued before the court.

Generally speaking, courts are reluctant to dismiss a plaintiff's claim(s) on a motion regardless of the validity of the motion or the soundness of the legal position upon which it is based. Some of that is due to a trend of increasing "liberal" or plaintiff oriented bias on the bench which is an outgrowth of the popular election of judges in most states. Where you have executive appointment of judges (such as at the Federal Court level), you tend to see more motions for summary judgment granted than in courts where judges have reelection to consider. Typically, a court will not entertain a ruling on a motion until the majority of discovery has been completed. Part of the reason for this is the nature of the motion for summary judgment outcome. A motion for summary judgment (or dismiss, etc.) basically argues that there are no issues or material fact for a jury to decide and that the plaintiff's (or defendant's) claims should be denied or dismissed as a matter of law. Judges generally have significant latitude and discretion on when and how to rule on a motion. Many will "take the matter under advisement" which sometimes is code for "I don't know what to do with this mess" or "I'm going to hang onto this issue until I think I can leverage it into forcing one side or the other to get more reasonable and settle this mess without the need for a trial" or "my lunch is talking back to me and I need to go to the can RIGHT NOW." Bottomline is that the judge can rule or not rule on a motion at his discretion in his own sweet time (appellate judges are even worse).

The other major time sink which courts have really taken a liking to is ADR because it disposes of the vast majority of cases through negotiated settlement or a binding arbitration decision. ADR usually takes place after the majority of written discovery has taken place but typically before the expense of expert discovery is incurred. Expert discovery can be very expensive and time consuming. So, most smart people try to see if there is a chance to settle the case before incurring costs that will potentially put the case out of reach for a reasonable result (we'll talk more about the economics of this shortly). Frequently, parties will schedule a mediation after a motion for summary judgment has been filed but before the court has ruled on it as a means of using the uncertainty of the judge's ruling as negotiating leverage.

This is not to say that ADR is the be all end all of resolving litigation. My experience has been that only 30 to 50% of cases settle or resolve at the first mediation or arbitration (some arbitration agreements have a "de novo" right of appeal to the traditional court system). The remainder of those 90+% of cases that settle or resolve short of trial do so via informal negotiations between the parties. But, ADR is usually key to facilitating those negotiated resolutions. 

Now, if you've negotiated the discovery waters, shot your wad in ADR without getting a settlement you can live with and had the court ignore or deny your motions for summary judgment long enough to reach the front of the trial docket.... Oops. I forgot to mention the hidden time sink in all this...the court's docket. Every case that is filed gets set on a court's docket. Each court will eventually issue a document sometimes a case management order, scheduling order or something to that effect which sets out the deadlines and timeframes for each case. It's important to note that these deadlines and timeframes are subject to change for any number of reasons including conflicts with other cases, the court's hearing and motion docket, etc. In some rural counties, there is one court for the entire county including criminal, family and civil matters. In those counties, criminal matters take precedence followed by family court with civil matters getting the leftovers of whatever time is available. Woe be to the person awaiting trial in a rural venue serviced by a circuit judge who presides over the courts of multiple counties (yes, they still exist) due to sparse population.

You may have a scheduling order that says your case is set for trial on date X; however, your case may be sharing that date with 15 or 150 other cases. This is particularly true of counties where there are large metropolitan cities such as Dallas or Houston. If you are number 150 on the docket for a given trial date, you are not likely to get reached and your case will be continued to the next available trial setting. If you are number 15 on the docket, there is a very real chance you may go to trial as other cases ahead of you settle or continue for various reasons. If you are number 1 on the docket or have a "special setting", you are going to trial unless you cough up a lung or have a death in the family or can give the judge some other REALLY good reason why you can't go to trial that day. Resettings typically get punted 6 months or more down the calender. How much further down the docket depends on how annoyed the judge is with one or both of the parties. This cycle of continuations and resettings can go on indefinitely if the judge allows it.

So, anyway, digression over. You've made it to trial. Go buy a lottery ticket. Your odds of getting the result you expect or think you deserve are roughly the same. I've been doing this a long time, and one of the first things you learn is that NO ONE can accurately predict what a given jury will do with a specific set of facts on any given day.

Trial can last from a day or two start to finish for a simple, two party, car wreck case to months for more complex cases. Trial starts with voir dire (don't ask me to pronounce it, i've heard at least three different ways to pronounce, and I'm not sure which is correct...nor do I really care). It's a Latin derived term. Lawyers love Latin terms for some reason. Anyterm, VD is when a panel of prospective jurors are brought in to be quizzed by the attorneys (and sometimes the judge too) about various topics related to the case and the jurors' potential suitability or lack thereof to serve on the jury panel.

If you want to get out of jury duty, the most reliable way I've come across is to be vocal and opinionated during VD. It's the quiet ones who typically get stuck on the jury because that haven't said anything to annoy one side or the other enough to make them either petition the court to strike them for cause or to burn a preemptory strike on them. You can tell when you've said enough to annoy an attorney when they tell you that they "want to hear from some of the other potential jurors." That's the signal that they know exactly who you are and what you stand for and they will probably gladly give you a hall pass to get off their jury.

The bigger the case, the bigger the jury pool, the longer VD takes. I was called for a pool on a capital murder trial about 17 years ago. The pool was 250 potential jurors. VD took three weeks. The first day was just filling out a 20 page jury questionnaire. Day two was general question of the group at large. The remaining time was taken up by the prosecution and defense conducting one on one interviews of each of the first 60 jurors before the court.

Why the first 60? It's like this...the jury that gets seated to hear the case (any case) is not the best and the brightest. It's the first 6 or 12 (depending on the court not including alternates) people from the pool who are not disqualified or struck for one reason or another. If you are in the low numbers of a pool, your odds of getting selected are substantially greater than if you are in higher numbers.

That capital murder trial? The court didn't want to waste resources interviewing all 250 if they could seat 12 plus three alternates out of the first 60. I was number 16. Fortunately, the defense didn't like me enough that they used a preemptory strike on me. It might have had something to with my comment about not trusting sleazy defense attorneys. Perhaps. Same principles apply in civil litigation although civil courts don't always use 20 page jury questionnaires.

After a (now disgruntled) jury is sat (empaneled is the proper term), we get to the nitty gritty of trial. First, both sides make an opening statement for the court in which they hope to show the judge and jury what they intend to prove with the evidence. Opening statements are not testimony or evidence although attorneys frequently try to use them as a vehicle to slip little nuggets in that they may not be able to get in front of the court otherwise. Plaintiffs always go first. Defense is second.

After opening statements, the plaintiff gets to present their case in chief. They call witnesses to provide testimony and introduce evidence. Let me take a moment to disabuse you of a notion here. Every witness is sworn in by the judge with the traditional "do you swear to tell the whole truth...." oath. The sad reality is that a game is being played out behind the scenes out of the jury's presence in which the parties file motions in limine in which the court determines ahead of time exactly how much of the truth the jury gets to hear (or see). If an attorney strays out of bounds during the questioning of a witness, the opposing attorney will make an objection. The judge then rules on the objection by either sustaining, overruling or admonishing the attorney to redirect. Particularly egregious violations of the rules of the game can lead to mistrial and/or sanctions against the offending party. So, to recap, the jury never gets to hear the "whole truth". They get to hear what the judge and the attorneys have agreed they can hear. Fair rarely enters into it.

Back to witness testimony. The opposing attorney can question the other sides witness on cross examination. This will go back and forth on redirect or rebuttal until both sides are satisfied that they have made their points with a particular witness.

After the plaintiff rests their case, the defense can file a motion for directed verdict asking the court to render in their favor usually arguing that the plaintiff did not provide sufficient evidence to prove their case. It is rare to see a court grant a directed verdict. Following the denial of the motion for DV, the defense gets to put on their case in chief if they so choose. Same rules apply as before. Plaintiff can cross exam the defense witnesses.

Once the defense rests their case, there is the charge conference in which the attorneys present proposed jury charges to the court. The court hears arguments on the respective charges and eventually a decision is made as to the final charge which will be given to the jury.

After the charge has been decided, the attorneys are ready to give their closing arguments. This is where they have the final opportunity to give the jury a road map to what they think the evidence proves and any damages that should be awarded. Here again, plaintiff goes first and defense goes second. There is one exception here. After defense gives their closing argument, the plaintiff has the option to give a rebuttal (if they have reserved some time for it). The plaintiff is, in effect, given the last word before the jury begins deliberations.

Jury deliberations are an interesting animal. I have had the pleasure of watching a mock trial involving three full jury panels in which the "jurors" believed that they were actually rendering the verdict in a case. The first thing that happened when deliberations began was that the jurors ignored the judge's admonitions and talked about everything they were told not to discuss or consider.

One of my co-workers (a woman) has a theory about jury deliberations. Her theory is that the most opinionated woman on the jury will sway the panel to her position. Here's how she gets there (and she has been on a jury herself): Men, when arguing, tend to state their position, say what they have to say and then fold their arms across their chest. At that point, men are done arguing. They have nothing else to say. Women, on the other hand according to her, will keep yapping until everyone gives into her just to get her to shut up. Frankly, I'm not entirely sure she is wrong.

Jury dynamics and feedback is a whole 'nother other can of worms. Needless to say, jury verdicts very rarely hinge on the facts or evidence and oftentimes have more to do with something completely unrelated to the case than anything else.

Now, after the jury is done messing around, you get a verdict. Let's talk about the economics of that verdict for a moment.

Let's say for the sake of argument that the amount of the verdict is $1,000,000. Does that mean the plaintiff gets $1,000,000? Hell no. First off, on the plus side, the verdict is subject to pre- and post-judgment interest. Here in Texas, for simplicity's sake, it's 5% per annum simple interest (i'm not going to bore you with all the details of when it starts accruing). So, if it took you 2 years to get to trial, that's $50,000 per year in interest (again...for the sake of simplicity). So, we are up to $1,100,000. Now the fun really begins because that $1.1 million has to pay the attorney, the experts, the expenses and cover any unresolved economic damages (such as outstanding medical bills or workers compensation benefit liens).

Plaintiff attorneys typically work on what's called a contingency basis. This has its benefits and drawbacks as I will attempt to explain. A typical contingency contract states that an attorney will take a percentage of the total recovery plus expenses. The plus side is that the attorney takes nothing if they recover nothing. Most of the contracts I've heard of use a sliding scale. The attorney will take 33% if the case resolves before suit is filed, 40% if it resolved after suit but before trial and 50% if the case goes to trial and verdict. That percentage is taken often calculated AFTER expenses have come off the top. So, if an attorney spends $100,000 on things like court reporter fees for depositions, expert fees, exhibits, advances, travel, etc., he or she is going to take that $100,000 off the top and then take their percentage of what's left. Using our hypothetical verdict, that means that the plaintiff would be netting $500,000 from a $1.1 million verdict BEFORE any unsatisfied economic damages have been paid.

The drawback to a contingency fee is that, in smaller cases, it is frequently possible and even highly likely for the attorney to make more than their client and even for the client to net NOTHING. You mean to tell me that I could be patient, wait all that time, slog through trial after beating the odds to get there and still get nada, zip, zero?

Yep, you betcha.

So, why don't you hear more about that?

In a word, ethics. Most insurance claims professionals are ethically prevented, if not legally prevented in some states, from encouraging or discouraging someone from engaging the services of an attorney. It has to do with conflicts of interest and the unauthorized practice of law. I can get away with it here since I am not advising anyone on the specifics of their particular case or trying to dissuade them from seeking the advice of counsel as I am just merely presenting factual information for your enjoyment and edification.

In fact, I will go one better. I encourage you, should you find yourself in a situation in which you may need to consider litigation, to consult an attorney. Actually, you should probably consult at least three (many will offer the initial consultation for free or for a small fee) to comparison shop not only their opinions of your case but their fees as well. Then, you can make an informed decision of whether or not it is a wise investment of your time and money to pursue your claim further.

Just know that the value of your case is not likely to magically increase in value for the claims person just because you've retained an attorney.

Thus endeth this lesson.