Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Wisdom From M&M

And now for something a little different. Not completely different, mind you. Like a penguin on your telly. That would be copyright infringement.

The Queen posted this on her Facebook page today quoting our lovely, now, 5 year old wunderkind, M&M:

"When people stop hugging, they stop loving."

I tell you what, that little girl has a lot of wisdom in her little brain. She gets it from her mom, The Queen.

I've always been a touchy, feely kind of guy (not in the pervy sense), and I never pass up a good hug. Once upon a time, I believe I had just turned 16, my dad was dropping me off at the house following some event. He stuck his hand out to me to shake my hand instead of reaching to give me a hug like he had done for the previous 16 years. I looked at him like he had just grown a second set of nostrils on an extra pair of noses. His reasoning: he thought I wouldn't want to hug him now that I was old enough to drive.

I proceeded to disabuse him of that notion.

I plan on hugging that little girl every chance I get for as long as she will allow it. Somehow, I don't think she will ever decide that she doesn't need a hug from the old man.

Friday, December 16, 2016

Kitten Fight

So, this happened recently.

His name is tentatively Tinkle Splat (don't ask me, I have no idea). The list of rejected names continues to grow, and includes some sidesplitting gems including F**k Muck which resulted from a word rhyming exchange between The Queen and M&M. Having to explain to an innocent 5 year old that, yes, the universal adjective is a bad word and, no, I am not going to explain why while laughing hysterically does nothing to enhance your parental credibility.

Friday Funnies

We deal with a lot of dog bite claims where I work. I made this meme to add a little humor to the end of a regular roundtable meeting agenda.

I'm thinking someone failed their driving test.

Which is why I spend a small portion of my days thinking up dog bite memes for work.

I wonder if this would work with Golden Retrievers...only you sell the stuff they bring back.

Yep. I demand guns. Lots and lots of guns. Have you seen my wish list lately? Speaking of which, i need to update it again.

Han shot first.

Load me up, light the fuse and run baby.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Bill of No Rights

Ed. - I found this in my creative writing folder gathering dust. I can't remember when I first read it or where I came across it. It's not my work, but I like it and it seems appropriate in the wake of the election results. Beyond correcting one glaring typo and some minor formatting for readability, I've done nothing to it. 

A Little History...

The Bill of No Rights was written by Lewis Napper, a computer programmer in Jackson, Mississippi, after listening to a radio report about then President Bill Clinton's abyssmal free health care plan in 1993 on his way home from work. As he wondered about why some people think that they deserve government provided health care, he decided to write a bill for these people, the "Bill of No Rights," and shortly after listening to the broadcast, typed it up and e-mailed it to a few of his friends where it is now found through the Internet and often mis-credited; the most notable case being Mitchell Kaye, a Georgia lawmaker who e-mailed it to a few of his friends. Napper takes it in stride, e-mailing people who got it wrong, and asking them to change. Most do, except the stubborn few who refuse to believe him. Despite mis-credits, the Bill of No Rights is certainly a part of Internet history.

The Bill of No Rights

We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, delusional and other liberal bedwetters. We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - and not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful. Do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.

ARTICLE IX: You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness - which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Friday Funnies - Early Thanksgiving Edition

Since I will be working on cooking my SECOND Thanksgiving dinner on Friday, we will just get this out of the way early.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

More Changes

It was with great optimism that I attempted to resume regular blogging here a while back. I think the results speak volumes about how that worked out. Life, as usual, has been in a near constant state of flux thanks to health issues (mine and others), work issues, crazy ideas and the overwhelming need to sleep once in a while.

So, in an effort to make things even MORE complicated than they already are, I went and made a Facebook page for the blog. Facebook claims you can visit the page at fb.me/preachersandhorsethieves . I would assume that searching "Preachers and Horse Thieves" will get you roughly in the ballpark as well, but I have been wrong before.

In theory, this will allow me to post quick thoughts and pictures from my phone without the need to actually think and edit. We shall see how this works out.

Friday, November 11, 2016

Advice for M&M

It’s been a while since I’ve posted any advice for my daughter. It’s not that I’ve run out of advice. It’s just that my time to record such thoughts (among other ideas) has been at a severe premium. So, without further ado my wonderful daughter, here is some much needed advice in a tumultuous, post-election (or apocalyptic depending on your perspective) world.

FYI, a lot of these were shamelessly stolen/modified from The Big Guy’s “Moving On” post at Listen to Uncle Jay.

1)      Yoga pants are the fabric equivalent of body paint. A modest, Christian woman (such as The Queen and I are attempting to raise you to be) would not wear them in public. If you choose to ignore this advice, do not be surprised when men stare at your body.
2)      Communicate concisely and clearly. Lead with the issue or question. THEN give details. That gives your audience a foundation upon which to listen and process the information you are giving them.
3)      If you’re done with something, put it away. That way, you know where to find it, and it’s out of the way.
4)      If something is broken, label it, fix it or toss it.
5)      Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. Once upon a time, an AVP at a major insurance company told me “I don’t care if it’s right, I just want it done.” I told him I was not willing to do that as I would be the first person deposed when things went south and the sum total of my testimony would be: “Mr. AVP instructed me to do X despite my warnings that it violated basic ethical considerations.”
6)      Leave early for the airport. It’s better to cool your heels at the gate sipping a drink than be stuck in a traffic jam watching your plane take off.
7)      Take time to enjoy your surroundings when you travel for business. The Queen used to tell me how lucky I was to have a job that involved regular travel. I told her how lucky I felt to see the inside of a hotel room and a conference room in a variety of glamourous locales like Beaumont, TX, Willmar, MN or Davenport, IA. That’s not to say I haven’t traveled to interesting places for business and haven’t taken advantage of coming in early or staying late to see some of the sights, but it is not always possible with work and life commitments.
8)      Travel light and make your luggage stand out of the crowd. Once upon a time, The Queen and I were on a train bound for London, England when the conductor informed us we had less than 5 minutes to move ourselves and our luggage forward 6 train cars unless we wanted to be stuck in the part of the train that was NOT going to London. The Queen does not know how to pack light; and, on this particular trip, I had packed heavy as well. We had two heavy suitcases, a couple of smaller bags and an odd shaped box containing a beautiful porcelain doll that we had to lug up the narrow aisles of the train as quickly as possible. We made it…barely.

9)      You are not superwoman. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.