Marketing Strategy

 

Way in the distant early days of this blog, I posted a short little thing about vacuum advertising. I'm glad to see that someone has finally seen the wisdom of my marketing genius. I wonder if pimps and brothel owners will realize the benefits of using this marketing campaign for their...ahem...services. I mean truth in advertising benefits everyone, right?

I'm Surprised...

 ...that this hasn't become the latest Tik Tok challenge or whatever the kids are doing these days since Tide Pods became passe`.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love me some mac and cheese. I make it home made from scratch. In a pinch, a box of Kraft cheese powder sauce for nostalgia purposes is good comfort food, but I draw the line at the bulk bucket o' creamy pasta. I don't even know who would buy that. One of the people from my 600 Pound Life?

RV Life

Well, as I have said before, much as transpired since last we spoke. Life has been hectic as usual which has left me neglecting my blog among other things. I will try to tackle subjects each in turn to do them justice. So, first up is the title subject.

After literally discussing the possibility of full time RV living with The Queen for a decade, we finally pulled the trigger in March and bought a large travel trailer with the express purpose of living in same full time and (hopefully) traveling more. Of course, we picked the absolute worst time to buy a travel trailer with RV demand through the roof in the middle of a buggered up supply chain, record inflation and has eye watering gas prices.

Yeah, we have great timing that way.

We decided on a travel trailer instead of a motor home or a fifth wheel for several reasons. In hindsight, a fifth wheel probably would have been a better choice for our situation (two adults, a growing girl and a 7 animal menagerie). Having said that, the trailer we did get is about as big as “bumper pull” travel trailers go and even puts a few fifth wheels and all but the biggest motorhomes to shame in terms of usable space.

So, to answer the obvious question of “why?”, that’s both simple and complicated at the same time. We had the disastrous attempt at buying a house last year which was a blessing that turned into a curse. With the discovery of mold in the living room, it became uninhabitable for The Queen and M&M who both have allergies to the stuff. With me, the sole provider, losing my job literally on the heels of closing on the house, it became a financial disaster too. Fortunately, we were able to turn around and sell the house at slightly better than break even which left us in need of housing. We landed at an apartment while we caught our breath and figured out what options we had.

If the housing market is nuts, the apartment market in North Texas is insane. We signed a 7 month lease on a third floor unit for more than we really wanted to pay, but it was a complex built within the last 2 years and had no mold issues. There were other pluses and not much negative. We came to despise the stairs especially after coming down with Faucimonia. We moved in and started getting our feet under us again. Things were cooking along great until January when we started smelling cigarette smoke in the apartment. The complex was supposed to be non-smoking everywhere on the property.

Yeah…. not so much.

As near as we can tell from hearing the arguments through the wall clear as day including creative use of the universal adjective and other choice words, the person who signed the lease was a married male; however, he did not live in the unit. The person who was in residence in the unit was apparently the tenant’s “side chick” and “baby mama” who desperately wanted the tenant to leave his wife and move in with her and her baby. That was not happening according to the tenant. Anyway, the hoochie in residence also turned out to have a fairly well developed smoking habit and the smoke started coming through the walls.

The complex essentially had their hands tied in terms of what they could do. Any attempts at evicting the offending person, who according to the terms of the lease should not have even been there, would have taken more time than we had remaining on our lease. During this crisis, the lease renewal offer came in with a minimum 30% increase in rent depending on the lease term selected. Needless to say, this was not a tenable situation for us. After much back and forth, we finally came to agreement with the complex management in which we were let of our lease early with no costs or penalties.

The timing of all this put us moving out just in time for the Dallas RV Show in early March where we happened to run into Number 1 Follower and Best friend along with his wife who were also on the hunt for a new travel trailer. Turns out, we both bought trailers at the show.

For those of you familiar with Texas weather, you are probably snickering in your beverage about now. For the uninitiated, March in Texas is anyone’s guess as to what you are going to get day to day. Snow, high winds, tornadoes, heat, flooding, hail, sleet…you name it, you’ll probably get it during March. Sometimes multiple varieties in the same day.

Our originally scheduled delivery date turned out to be cold, wet and very windy. Since we did not yet have a truck of towing the trailer, we imposed on Number 1 Follower who had just invested in a new diesel pickup. Due to the weather, we were forced to delay a few days and try again. We ultimately took delivery of a slightly different model than the one we originally selected after a weekend of panicky indecision. For the record, I’m glad we got the unit we did.

Why did we not have a capable truck yet you ask? Well, one of the things they tell you when you start looking at RVs is to match your tow vehicle to the size of the trailer. The trailer we chose has an empty weight of over 8000 pounds and grosses out at just under 11,000 pounds. The Queen’s Navigator is getting long in the tooth and simply does not have the towing capacity to pull the new trailer.

Surprisingly, there are very few half ton trucks that would even come close to having the capacity necessary. Ford F150s with the Max Tow package, higher gear ratio and the 3.5L EcoBoost engine is one. The were a couple of others; however, the consensus was that these options were right on the edge of the safety margin and did not handle the weight particularly well compared to three quarter ton or 1 ton trucks. There were even some three quarter ton trucks that did not have the necessary oomph to haul this puppy.

So, after an aborted purchase attempt at a dealership an hour away wherein they attempted to charge me $8000 more than the advertised  price for a “reconditioning fee” which was nowhere mentioned in the ad, we succeeded in locating a reasonable deal at a dealership 4 hours away in Houston on a gently used 2013 Ford F250 with 129,000 miles, the 6.2L gas motor, the right gear ratio, all the bells and whistles, tonneau cover and even a fifth wheel hitch already installed in the bed if we ever choose to upgrade to one.

After the purchase, we discovered records in the glove box confirming that the previous owner had just had a brand new motor installed at a dealership after the original motor crapped out just 2000 miles before we bought it. I’m positive the dealership was unaware of the new motor based on the asking price (under KBB/NADA trade in value).

I absolutely LOVE the truck. It’s a beast. It pulls the trailer without any trouble. The gas mileage while towing stinks, but that’s only been about once a month so far. Doing the math, a diesel did not make sense for us. Had we been towing every week…maybe. Diesel trucks are a significant premium over comparable gasser trucks. We would have paid $9000 or $10,000 more for a similar diesel truck not to mention the extra $0.80 to $1.20 per gallon more at the pump not including DEF, higher maintenance costs (diesels are pricy beasts to work on in terms of both parts and preventative maintenance).

We’ve taken a few “short” trips so far. Once was to a state park about an hour away as a test run to see if anything needed fixing/addressing and to help us learn the things we didn’t already know. The other two have been to east Texas for church related activities about two hours away. Our first “longer” trip is coming up in a couple of weeks when we head to Arkansas about five and a half hours away. We have a long trip in the works for October which will take us over2000 miles roundtrip to South Dakota and back as well as another 1000 to 1500 mile roundtrip excursion probably to Florida which will be shoehorned in somewhere depending on what happens in the near future on the job front.

If you see a big, dark brown and tan Ford F250 stuffed to gills with people and animals towing a 38 foot trailer, give us a honk.

Custom Guns?? Sort of??

Once upon a time, General George Patton was quoted as saying that "Only a pimp from a cheap New Orleans whorehouse would carry a pearl-handled pistol." I shudder to think what the good general would have said had he seen these disasters.

I have nothing against a nice custom gun, but I'm not paying a premium for an otherwise stock Glock or 3-4 times the normal price for a Mil Spec Springer with MIM parts just because it's gold. ESPECIALLY because it's gold. 

To each their own I suppose. I realize there must be a market for this sort of thing; but, for the life of me, I can't figure out who would want one of those.  

I Will Never Know...

I was at Total Wine a few days ago to get a bottle or two for The Queen. While there, I spotted this. 

According to the Glenfiddich website, that is a 70 centiliter bottle. The Google conversion math wizard says that converts to 24 ounces more or less.  So, a wee dram of that Sccotch is just a touch over $1583 an ounce. 

Blink, blink. 

That drink was distilled and casked in the year I was born give or take a year or two. As curious as I am to find out how it tastes, I never will. I can't even bring myself to spend more than $30 for a bottle of wine. No way I'm ever going to be able to buy a bottle of Scotch that costs more than every car I've ever owned. 

Still though...any one wanting to gift me a tumbler full can reach out to me through the blog. I'll even say real nice things about the benefactor. 

Further Adventures in Car Repair

There is a running joke in car repair shops that you can have 2 out of the following 3 types of repairs: cheap repairs, good repairs or fast repairs. I've also seen it written as cheap and fast equals not good. Good and fast equals not cheap. Cheap and good equals not fast. One last quote from the original Mad max movie: "Like the sign says: Speed is just a question of how much money you want to spend."

Today, it meant deciding to rip out $250 worth of new parts that I might not be able to sell or get refunded and spending $375 on different parts to avoid spending over $500 on another other set of new parts.

Confused?

Yeah. Me too.

It all started with the air spring suspension on The Queen's Chariot deciding 250,000 miles was quite far enough thank you very much about a month or two ago. The air spring suspension in the Lincoln Navigator is a marvel of modern engineering, and it's also bloody expensive. The system has several key components which all must work in concert to keep the ride smooth and comfy. The heart of the system is an air compressor mounted below the passenger side headlight. That compressor pumps air through a surprisingly small plastic hose to the rear air spring solenoids (one on each side) when the ride height sensors (again, one on each side) tells the vehicle body module computer that something is amiss. If any one of those items takes a dirt nap, your paid for Lincoln Navigator / Ford Expedition is suddenly a low rider which bounces at the slightest provocation.

So, a couple of months ago after a minor blood letting to replace the radiator in The Chariot, The Queen is following me in another vehicle and says: "Did you know my car is leaning heavily to the left?"

Um...no. I did not.

Over the next several days and weeks, The Chariot's suspension issues had steadily gotten worse to the point that the entire rear end would squat when the ignition was turned off. So, I turned my Google Fu on, and I came to the conclusion that the rear air springs had finally given up the ghost and were no longer capable of hold air.

For those who have no experience with air ride suspensions, the air springs are basically thick rubber air bags (think of it as a thick rubber sleeve/cushion that is mounted around a strut) which may or may not be surrounded by a metal case which connect up to an air line and solenoid. Air comes into  the bag, inflates and magic happens resulting good feelings.

Well, you've all seen what happens to a tire after it's been out in the weather for several years. The rubber starts to dry out, and little cracks start to appear. Eventually, air starts to leak out before finally not being able to hold any air at all. All the while, your air compressor that feeds the bags is working harder and longer to supply air, and the solenoids are getting clogged with water, rust and particulates from the air that's compressed but not filtered into lines.

So, roughly $250 and a week or so waiting on shipping later, I had me a set of replacement air springs. Several YouTube tutorials later (unfortunately, not including the one that shows you close up how to do several key steps which I just found today). and I gamely made my first attempt at replacing said air springs.

It took most of a Sunday and a little bit of heat exhaustion, but I got the old ones out and the new ones in. I turned on the system expecting great things to take place (or at least inflation of two air springs).

What happened? Not a thing. Nothing. Zip. Nada. Bupkiss.

Running short on time, The Queen prevailed upon me to take The Chariot to a local mechanic we recently became acquainted with for the purpose of diagnosing the problem. $100 later, said mechanic assured me that the air compressor and solenoids were working, and the air springs must be defective.

Okay. Fine. Not what I wanted to hear, but what are you going to do? So, I reached out to the manufacturer; and, in short order, I had a new set of air springs on the way (ground shipping sucks when you are in a hurry).  Eventually, the replacement replacement air springs arrived and The Chariot went back to the mechanic to install them.

I dropped The Chariot off on a Friday so he could work on it over the weekend and told him to let me know when it was ready. Monday - no call. Tuesday - no call. Wednesday - finally got a call...that he could not fix it and could I come back to the shop and pick it up.

[Insert long string of your favorite colorful expletives here]

I'm not going to complain too much. He didn't charge me anything since he was unsuccessful in fixing it, and he was honest about the fact that he doesn't deal with air spring suspensions enough to know what's wrong. I went and picked up The Chariot, and fired up the Bat Signal for my cousin Vinny (not his real name), the mechanic turned engineer, to come out and take a look. He had me do some diagnostics until he could find time in his schedule which got us no closer to a solution, unfortunately.

He was finally able to make it by the house today, and we got down to business of doing our best to sort out the problem.

Discovery number 1: the rear air spring solenoids were completely plugged up with rust and schmutz and other assorted crap. We made an attempt to locate replacement solenoids, but we struck out. There were no solenoids to be found for The Queen's vehicle in stock anywhere in the greater DFW area for less than $200 (each) [I'm not spending $400 just to try and figure out if they are the only problem].

Discovery number 2: Punching a hole through a clogged air solenoid will allow it to function temporarily long enough to figure out that your skin flint cheap bastard ways were right not to buy $400+ worth of shiny new solenoids because the air bags were still not inflating.

[Insert more expletives of your choice]

Discovery number 3: The only other possible cause of the (continued) problem is that the air compressor is just flat worn out. Guess who is not spending upwards of $200 to get a new compressor to see if he's right? Yep, this guy.

Discovery number 4: There exists, for just such occasions, an air spring to coil over strut conversion kit that eliminates the guess work and produces allegedly similar ride quality. The cheapest kits do not include a gizmo that bypasses all the electronics that annoy the carp out of you with warnings and threats to check the air suspension. The kit I chose includes a bypass module that it supposed to take care of that problem without resorting to reprogramming the computer. It normally costs about $450 to $500 plus tax. I found a deal on Amazon for $375 with tax and shipping included.

Sold.

In hindsight, I probably should have gone with the conversion kit in the first place. The Queen and I had discussed the options and decided to try and fix the existing system. I don't think it was the wrong decision at the time, but it definitely did not turn out to the right choice in the end. Sometimes you just have to admit defeat and go a different direction even if it means losing a little money.

Speaking of Product Testers...

Chester recently went in for his lopitoffame procedure. Poor guy. He'd really taken a...special...liking to his sister. Alas, their love will be forever a strictly platonic love from now on.

Any incest...

As you would expect, Chester was sent home wearing the cone of shame.

Higher than a kite, but getting great reception. 

He was so pathetic that first day. He'd go outside and try to sniff out a spot in the yard to pee. Trot, trot, trot, head down, cone/face plant, screeching halt, SNIFF!! Lift head, watch leaves and dirt fall out of the cone. Lather, rinse, repeat. After the drugs wore off though...

He didna like it.

Not one bit.

So, being an avid DIY type and closet Pinterest scanner, we gave the pool noodle "clown collar" a go. My niece, I Do It, had reported good success with Chester's brother Doc using a clown collar a few weeks previously.

This is actually version 2.0. Version 1.0 was the same color but using a smaller diameter noodle. The smaller noodle was an immediate fail defeated by Chester's long neck and tongue in seconds. Well, version 2.0 didn't fare any better. So, we attempted a version 3.0 by doubling up the narrower and larger diameter noodles.

Guess what? Version 3.0 was also defeated by the same long neck and tongue as previous models. So, on the recommendation of a friend, I decided to give one of the inflatable collars a go.

This one, in fact. Cost me $40 bucks or so at Pet(not so)Smart. Note the little black strap? It's supposed to be attached to the collar. That feature didn't even last five minutes.

Looks pretty big all inflated, don't it?

Guess what? They don't do squat when they've been aggressively deflated. 10 minutes was all it took him to have that sucker destroyed. The Queen managed to super glue the puncture holes shut, but it was a lost cause at that point.

It was off again in not time. We gave up. Fortunately, he'd healed enough by that point that it was better than even odds that he wouldn't kill himself.

I want my $40 bucks back though. Stupid dogs.

Dear Kong,

My wife and I recently purchased one of your Kong branded dog beds which looked a lot like this one in the store:

It looks comfy. The product information claims it to be double reinforced, twice as strong as regular fabric beds, etc. Lies. All lies. Now, I don't know who or what is testing your products, but they are clearly incompetent. Please allow me to  introduce you to your new product prototype testers:

They may not look like much all cute and snuggly on the loveseat, but this:

is what they are capable of when they set their furry little minds to destruction.

Please contact me to discuss scheduling and compensation for their services.

Sincerely,

Daddy Hawk

Buyer Beware

Once upon a time, around about the end of August last year, the fuel pump on The Queen's chariot went Tango Uniform. Come to find out, it's a fairly well known issue that Ford fuel pumps eventually take a dirt nap after the electrical connector in the fuel pump housing melts. Most fuel pumps installed in the gas tanks use the gasoline to keep the pump cool. Run the tanks down too low, and you have nothing to cool the pump which contributes to the electrical connectors melting resulting in fuel pump failure.

Look at the melted plastic where the red arrow is.

Guess who has a tendency to run the fuel tank down "0 miles to empty"? 

Here's another question for you: where does Ford mount the fuel pump?

If you answered "inside the fuel tank under the [expletive deleted] 6000 pound SUV", you win the "sweat your ass off in the Texas heat on a crappy asphalt driveway" award. This is not a job you look forward to doing twice. 

So, on with our story. Auto parts stores wanted $250 to $300 for a replacement fuel pump. Since I was still recovering from being laid off (again), $250 to $300 is a lot when you're pinching pennies. I went looking for a better deal, and located a new pump on eBay for $72. The seller had good feedback. The listing indicated that So, money was paid and a fuel pump arrived. After a late night of laying on crumbling asphaly under the SUV in the "cool" evening temperatures of 90 degrees with naught but a headlamp to light my way, the fuel pump was in and working. 

For a time. 

A week ago Sunday, the "new" pump decided it was a perfect day to die. 

I reached out to the eBay seller to see about getting the pump replaced under warranty:

"I purchased a fuel pump for a 2007 Lincoln Navigator in August 2017 from CN Batteries. It appears that the pump failed yesterday (pending confirmation). What is the warranty replacement policy/process?"

Polite. Reasonable. To the point.

The response I received was confusing:

"ok,we know,how about you pay $70,we will send you a new one,is it ok?

regards"

Huh?? Now, my English isn't always the best, but my guess is that English isn't this person's strongest subject. 

I decided to seek clarification:

"Your reply makes no sense. I purchased a fuel filter from you via eBay less than 6 months ago for $71.99. That fuel pump has now failed, and you are suggesting that I send you $70 and you will send me another one? Seriously? Is that your idea of a joke? 

I just got done doing the diagnostic testing. There is power to the engine compartment power distribution box, and the fuel pump fuse and relay are both good. However, there is no sound of the pump pressurizing when I turn the ignition key to the on position. In all likelihood, when I go through the trouble of pulling the dropping the tank to get to the pump I bought from you out of the tank, I am betting the pump is going to turn out to be bad. Your eBay listing indicates the pump comes with a 12 month warranty. Warranties generally mean replacement of defective products within the warranty period. We are well within the warranty period. So, again, what exactly is covered by the warranty you say your product comes with and what is the process to get a replacement?"

Perhaps I'm getting a little peaved a this point.

CN-Batteries doubled down with the following reply:

"ok,we know
the only way to get the replacement is to pay us $69
if you don't pay the money,we can't send you the replacement freely,hope you understand
regards"

Now, I'm not an unreasonable person, but this is moving the needle from a little peaved to not a happy camper. 

I strongly urge them to reconsider the error of their ways with this:

"No, I don't understand. Your product listing indicates the pump has a 1 year warranty. Does your product have a 1 year warranty or not? If it does not contrary to what your listing clearly states in the "item specifics" section of the listing, you are engaging in false advertising. If it does, how can you justify first asking for $70 and now $69 to replace a defective product under warranty. If you do not provide a proper explanation immediately, I will have no choice but to post this entire exchange on social media and escalate this issue to eBay for resolution."

They, for reasons which I cannot fathom, are either too blind to see the error of their ways or incapable of repentence as evidenced by their next reply:

"This is our company policy

the only way to get the replacement is to pay us $69
if you don't pay the money,we can't send you the replacement freely,hope you understand
regards"

Well, even an unhappy camper should give one last chance:

"Your company policy is in direct contradiction with the terms of your listing. As previously stated, your eBay listing states the product has a 1 year warranty. You are required under the eBay Selling Practices Policy "...to meet the expectations you've set in your listing." You have created an expectation that there is a one year warranty on the product sold. I don't know what warranty means where you come from, but where I come from warranty does not mean requiring a purchaser of a defective product to pay $2 less than full price to get a replacement under warranty. Since you obviously have no intention of honoring your warranty or living up to your other false promise of 100% buyer satisfaction, you leave me no choice but to escalate this to eBay and publish this entire exchange via social media in the hopes that other consumers will not fall victim to your unscrupulous business practices."

Well, I did warn them.  

So, don't expect CN-Batteries to honor their warranty. Don't expect their fuel pumps to last through their alleged warranty period. 

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go lay down in some crumbling asphalt under a 6000 pound SUV again. At least it's not 90 degrees out this time. 

It's That Time Of Year Again

I went to Lowe's with Mimi 3 days before Halloween.  There were three or four rows plus the main area at the front of the store full of Christmas decorations. There was a very small area of Thanksgiving decorations on clearance. Something is wrong with this picture. Just saying.

Do Yourself a Favor (A Health Insurance Rant)...

DO NOT EVER, EVVVVERRRRR, request an online quote for heath insurance from Agile Health Insurance or their Go Health website.

They claim they will not sell your information or release you private information. "Your trust is our highest priority. We will never sell your information; we will keep your information secured; and we will disclose it only as allowed by the law and this Privacy Policy. - See more at: https://www.agilehealthinsurance.com/privacy#sthash.xSDANrKM.dpuf"

HAH!!!

Within minutes, literally, of inputting my basic information into the website for an online health insurance quote that is supposedly compliant with the "Affordable" Care Act, I began to be inundated with phone calls from friendly, licensed agents. 19 calls in four hours. One poor sod called 3 times in 15 minutes. I say poor sod because the poor lady that was stuck with me after the cheerful telemarketer on the other end of the auto dialer transferred me got a bit of an attitude and an earful from me. I received calls from no less than 4 agents from the same stinking company.

I received emails.

I received texts.

I'm half expecting a pony express rider to show up on my door step in a few minutes with an urgent message about my frickin' health insurance coverage.

The agent who hit the trifecta by calling, emailing AND texting, got a nasty gram in response in which I told him to lose my information. I didn't say "or else", but the threat of dire consequences was implied by my tone. He responded that he doesn't like the way these companies sell information either and that I ought to sue the company that sold my information. I recommended he, as an agent dealing with that company, should give the head of marketing the same treatment I got and see how they like it. I might have suggested a thorough reaming of an orifice or possibly creation of a new one.

I would have suggested a tabasco enema with a chainsaw chaser, but I'm trying to cut back on my daily expressions of sarcasm.

Now, I know these are people trying to earn a living, and the ACA has not made their lives any easier. Not only that, I can half way respect the agents with enough humanity left to actually dial the phones themselves and leave a message. But I will NOT answer a call from a number I do not recognize, nor will I return a call to a number that does not have a real, live human being leaving a message.

If I can find the call center where the robo-dialer that auto dialed me 3 times in 15 minutes is located, I'm taking a sledge hammer to the server, pouring gasoline on the remains, watching it burn, salting the earth around it, and erecting a massive robot with a flaming sword and strict programming to destroy anything that comes within the property boundaries to prevent anyone from rebuilding on that site.

Ever.

I ought to go back on the site and input my congressman's information just for giggles. That ought to take care of the problem.

First Assignment and You Can't Make This Stuff Up

Well, the new business is off the a decent start considering I've only been operational for less than two weeks. Yesterday, I got good news that I was being added to the vendor list for a former employer who, oddly, has lots of claims in Texas but no staff to speak of in the state. Then, today, I received my first assignment from a law firm in Houston to do some accident scene investigation work in the Dallas Fort Worth area. So, YAY ME!!!

Happy dance will ensue when the invoice is paid and the check clears the bank. 

In other news of the weird and unusual, we have this bit of news. 

I wish I could have seen that claim file because I am betting the statements of the renters are priceless. The thing I cannot understand is why it took the respective carriers so long to come to a resolution. 

New Venture

Well, it's been an interesting week so far.

It started off a week ago today. Mid afternoon, I get a meeting invite from the boss' boss entitled "Discussion". Just me and him. Set for 9:00 AM Friday. Location: the HR conference room. Insert ominous music here. Whichever one floats your boat. The JAWS theme works for me.

I accepted the invite (like I had much of a choice) and went in search of the boss. I asked the boss lady if she has any clue what the meeting is about. She professed blissful ignorance of any meeting or the reasons for same. In hindsight, I think she should be nominated for an acting award, because there is no way she could not have known what was coming next. But, I'm getting ahead of myself.

I start to freak out a little. I've seen this movie before, and it doesn't end well for our hero.

I corner the boss lady's boss at the end the day and innocently inquire if, perhaps, I should prepare anything for our morning meeting and if he might share the topic of said meeting. He somewhat mournfully declined to offer any clues.

Now, our hero, yours truly, has been hard at work, flogging the other wage slaves to achieve impossible results. How impossible you ask? The year 2015 ended with our hard working claims adjusters blowing the legal expense budget by a significant percentage (13% if memory serves me correctly which translates into 6 figures worth of excess money flying out the door). Hard questions were asked. I analyzed the data, explained the facts of life in the heartless world of litigation and pleaded for a larger budget for 2016. My efforts were rewarded with small DECREASE in budget.

You have got to be kidding me.

To make matters worse, we get all new senior management a month into the year. Everyone is immediately on the alert as heads start rolling. Interestingly, senior management ignores my area for about 9 months. That's 9 months without any real direction or leadership from on high about what's expected. The only direction I was given was: 1) be in the files, 2) focus on early resolution, and 3) keep a close eye on the legal budget. The self same legal budget that had been cut from 2015.

Okay, let me just pull out my Mister Wizard instant miracle hat.

Through some magical confluence of of coincidences, my team manages to bring in legal expense under budget by 2.5%. That's a 15% improvement over 2015. Hip, hip, hurray. The crowd goes wild. Cheering was heard. There might have even been confetti.

Sorry. I have digressed. So, I spend all Thursday night trying to figure out why I must report to the HR conference room Friday morning. I haven't made any advances to anyone at the office (for The Queen is a jealous Queen, and I like skin attached to my body). I don't tell dirty jokes at the office. I don't do anything to run afoul of company rules and regs. Performance numbers look good. That leaves only a couple of possibilities.

Any puzzlement, I roll into the HR conference room at 9:00 AM to find boss lady's boss in the room with the home office HR person on video conference. The first words out of my mouth are: "This can't be good."

Sure enough, the net result is: "position eliminated". Nothing to do with performance, thank you for your efforts, strictly an organizational realignment, here's what we plan to do for you for severance, blah, blah, meaningless blah.

Long time readers will recall this has happened before. No, it's not any easier the second time around. I will say I am handling it better this time though. I made it to the car before I started having my own private meltdown.

That lasted for about 2 hours. During that time, I got the shock and hurt out of my system. I tried hard listen to what God was telling me. It was then that I came to the realization that the time had come to move forward with the plans that The Queen and I had been discussing for about 6 months.

Ever since we went to The Bahamas last year, we've been talking about what we can do to achieve a little more freedom to raise M&M together instead of me always having to disappear for 10+ hours a day to a commute and office. There are things we want to do together as a family, and 3 weeks of paid time off a year don't always cut it. Answer: start my own home based business.

So, effective today, I have an LLC registered with the state, a EIN with the IRS, a website, and I'm developing marketing materials and other essentials. Those of you who know me in real life will have seen the announcement on my personal FaceBook page. Details are unimportant as far as this post is concerned. Basically, it's me providing specific services relating to litigated claims. In the interest of professionalism, I won't be using this blog to plug the new business.

I already have a helper too.

He can't type worth a flip, and he generally just hangs around, sleeps, eats and leaves messes for me to clean up. But, he works cheap and keeps my neck warm.

Silliness

A gift from number one follower and all around best bud. He knows me too well. I don't care if 9mm is cheaper than or just as effective as .45ACP. I like .45s because I like making bigger holes in things.

The Queen spotted this at the local Walmart the other day. Yes, it is exactly what it says it is. Yes, it's juvenile and immature. I must have it.

Insider's Guide for Outsiders: Evil Insurance Companies

A co-worker forwarded the link to this news article. For those who can't be bothered to click a link, here's the short version:

76 year old man gets into an argument with his insurance agent over why his auto insurance was canceled. Man gets physically thrown out of agent's office. Man sues agent. Man wins judgment. Agent's representatives attempt to partially satisfy the judgment with 17 buckets of loose coins.

As my current boss commented, there's got to be more to this story.

Now, I will admit that I have been sorely tempted to do something like this more than once in my insurance career. The one thing stopping me has been that the hassle of getting that much coinage together and delivering same far outweighed any pleasure I might have received at making a difficult attorney's life more difficult. I'm sure others in my profession will agree.

I bring this up because of a (probable spam) comment I received on my relatively recent post on litigation. The commenter stated: "Great information! Insurance companies don't like to pay claims and some inspectors or adjusters are invented to deny claims. With this said, if you have a legitimate claim, you should expect to be treated fairly and expect the insurance company to honor the claim."

My response to the commenter was: "I'm not sure what you mean by "some inspectors or adjusters are invented to deny claims", but I will say that claims people tend to be a jaded and suspicious lot by nature (it comes from too many dealings with sleazy lawyers and angry claimants). Insurance companies are in business to make money like every other business. As such, saying they don't like to pay claims is almost akin to saying the Pope is Catholic. Having said that, some companies have a well deserved reputation for being difficult and reluctant to pay claims while others are less difficult. Perhaps my next articles in the series will be on insurance companies and adjusters."

I thought I would take a moment and give a brief overview of the insurance business from the company perspective. 

First, let's get one thing perfectly clear from the start: with very few exceptions, insurance companies are in business to make money. Any insurance company failing to make money for very long does not tend to stay in business for very long. 

The primary vehicle for measuring the profitability of an insurance company is the loss ratio. In its purest form, the loss ratio is the total of all written premium collected divided by claims paid including expenses. There are two types of expenses: allocated loss adjustment expenses (A.L.A.E. for short though I've heard some people pronounce it as a word: "A-lay") and unallocated loss adjustment expenses (ULAE). ALAE is any expense that can be allocated to a specific claim file. The legal bill that pays for the attorney defending a specific lawsuit is ALAE as is private investigator, inspector, expert witness and other expenses when they arise out of a specific claim investigation. Adjuster salaries, office rent, electricity, phones, etc. are ULAE. 

A loss ratio of 1.0 is break even. Loss ratios of greater than 1.0 mean a company is hemmorrhaging money, and loss ratios of less than 1.0 mean that the company should be profitable. It is theoretically possible for a company to have a 1.1 loss ratio and still turn a profit, but that feat requires successful return on investment of premium dollars which I may or may not discuss further. In my experience, it is rare to see a reported loss ratio below 0.50. The most profitable companies typically run a loss ratio in the .55 to .75 range. The majority of okay but financially profitable companies run ratios between .75 and .95. Companies having issues typically run loss ratios very close to or above 1.0. A recent example would be Fireman's Fund's dismal performance the last two years running with combined ratios (a combined ratio is the pure loss ratio including investment performance) of 1.294 (2012) and 1.036 (2013).  

That's all so very nice and esoteric, but what does it mean? 

To be honest, lots of things and nothing at all. 

Underwriter and actuaries control one half of the equation (written premium) while the claims department controls most of the other half (losses paid and ALAE). Premium rates are set based on a variety of factors that are well beyond my limited math education and experience. Actuaries perform all sorts of calculations and review statistics (and goat entrails I'm sure) and analyze navels until they come up with a set of rates they think represents the rates that a given category of risk should pay. That's why teenage boys pay the highest rates for car insurance. Underwriters then stick their thumb in that pie and develop a set of underwriting guidelines that define the "appetite" for risk that the company wants to pursue. For instance, the last company I worked for prior to the one I am with now had a solid personal lines (auto and homeowner's insurance) and "middle market" appetite. They were content to pursue small to medium sized companies in a variety of industries, but they would steer away from anything too big or unique. Unique in the underwriting world = risky and hard to price. 

Another driver of insurance premium rates is policyholder retention (or whatever the term de jour is). Basically, there is a finite number of people and/or companies out there. Most of them already have policies which forces the insurance industry to compete on price and service. Service is almost exclusively (but not completely) owned by the claims department. Underwriting sells a promise. Claims delivers on the promise. That leaves price. A company losing market share might choose to lower rates or increase its underwriting appetite or both in order to bring in more premium dollars, at the risk of increasing the loss ratio. A company seeing its loss ratio rise might choose to do the opposite, at the risk of losing market share.  It's a very delicate balancing act. 

That brings us to the loss/claims side of the equation. As mentioned a moment ago, service belongs to claims. There is a distinction here that needs to be mentioned (one I've mentioned before). When you see an ad for an insurance company on TV talking about fast claims service, they are talking about first party claims. A first party claim is one in which you the policyholder are making a claim for benefits to be paid to you under your policy. An example would be making a comprehensive or collision claim on your auto policy. A liability claim where someone else makes a claim on your policy for benefits to be paid to them arising from an accident caused by your negligence is a third party claim. 

What difference does it make? Most states, if not all states, have some form of statutory or regulatory guidelines for how first party claims can/should be handled under pain of fine or penalty for failure to comply. As a result, the claims process for first party claims is pretty streamlined and efficient. Some companies still have field adjusters who will come to you; and, in some cases, they will even cut a check for the damages on the spot. Additionally, there is usually no requirement on a first party claim to prove legal liability as is required by the insuring agreement on a liability policy since a first party claim arises from contractual language as opposed to tort negligence theory. Prove that the contract was in effect and that the damages incurred are covered by said contract (which is usually self evident), and the check is in the mail. 

Most of the time, when someone is griping about an insurance company, they are griping about the handling of a third party claim. As mentioned in a prior post, the time frames on a third party liability claim can go on for years. Most people anymore lose their patience and tempers after a few seconds. So, you can imagine how much fun third party claimants are to deal with when you deny their claims. 

Now, as for the prevailing thought that adjusters look for reasons to deny a claim or that insurance companies don't like to pay claims, the short answer is that it depends. 

Most individual insurance adjusters are hard working people trying to earn a living and do a good job. They have neither the authority nor do they receive the level of reward necessary to incentivise denying valid claims for no reason. The average adjuster, in my experience, is handling between 75 and 175 claims at any given time depending on the complexity of the mix. Most adjusters have very limited personal authority requiring management approval for settlements/reserves above certain amounts, coverage issues, etc. Most adjusters also know that denying a claim does not mean it goes away. In this litigious society, they know that it just means a lawsuit will be coming in soon and that file will be around a lot longer. If anything, there is a human nature tendency to find ways to PAY claims because settled files very rarely reopen, and adjusters have better things to do with their time than reopen files. As such, a permanently closed file is a happy file. Yes, there are individual adjusters that are jerks who are difficult to deal with. Pick any industry...you will find your share of jerks there too. The bottom line is that adjusters are people too subject to the same pressures and feelings as anyone else.

At the company level, there is not an insurance company in business today that has an official "smoking gun" document from senior management that says "look for ways to deny claims" or something to that effect. No one I am aware of is that stupid given the lengths to which bad faith lawyers will go to find such information. Now, will middle management do or say something stupid like that? Yes. I had an assistant VP of claims at a large, international insurance company tell me personally "I don't care if it's right. I just want it done." I explained to him that I had no intention of doing what he told me as I had no intention of explaining why such an unethical thing was done when my deposition would be taken in the inevitable bad faith lawsuit. His boss agreed with me after the fact. I still left that company pretty quickly thereafter though. 

Will a company institute policies or procedures that make the claims process more difficult for everyone involved (adjuster and claimant alike)? Yep. Been there. Done that. Google "allstate colossus" for one such example. I've never worked for Allstate, but I did work for one company that also used Colossus for certain types of claims. I can attest that it is just like every other computer program in existence: garbage in, garbage out. 

One consequence of the whole loss ratio analysis discussed above is the cyclical nature of claims settlements. When the loss ratio is high, the claims department gets pressure to "lower the loss ratio" or "reduce expenses". This can take the form of taking more cases in litigation to trial (which is counter intuitive since it involves incurring more expense) or settling more cases (which is also counter intuitive for obvious reasons). Taking more cases to trial is problematic for a variety of reasons not the least of which is the almost Byzantine nature of our legal process. Most adjusters hate to lose cases at trial. As such, they tend to recommend very few cases for trial and then only those that have legitimate, unresolvable disputes or those that they believe are "slam dunk" cases. I have sat in more than a few roundtables where I've told upper management in no uncertain terms that trying a particular case would be an epic mistake. Usually, they are smart enough to listen and the case eventually settles. 

It should be noted that insurance companies don't just take premium dollars and dump them in an interest bearing checking account hoping everything balances at the end of the month. There is a whole side of the business controlled by accounting and the CFO that takes the money, invests it and hopefully scores a boatload of return on investment earnings in the process. Sometimes, that can blow up in their faces. AIG most notably went to the brink of oblivion just after the housing bubble burst in 2008 through over reliance on mortgage backed derivative investments. Hartford got splashed by that same bubble bursting for the same reasons but fared much better through a more diverse investment portfolio.

This is a pretty big topic that I am only scratching the surface of here, but I need to get back to work. If you are really that interested, you can dig into the mechanics of reserving and prior year development charges to present earnings, etc. That's homework for you CPA types. 

In closing, your attorney is no better or worse a person than the adjuster for the insurance company. Treat them with the Golden Rule, and things will usually work out the way they are supposed to.

 

Oddities: Billboards

I love cars as much as the next person does. I think it would be really cool if cars were delivered to the house by some kind of mechanical stork a few months after a couple of cars get drunk on 93 octane in the back of a dark parking lot, but I'm not sure that's what the ad agency had in mind when they came up with this billboard:

Is this considered Dodgie Style?

Oddities: Children's Toys

So, last night, The Queen talked me into meeting her and M&M at the mall after work. I really wasn't in the mood as I had stayed up too late the night before and despise the mall on general principles, but...time with wife and daughter. So, shut up and suck it up buttercup.

The Queen had taken M&M to the mall to play at the bounce house only to discover that said establishment had shuttered its doors forever. No worries though. There is a free (we like free) play area in the mall as well as an inexpensive ($2 per ride) carousel to which M&M has taken a liking.

She selected the horse herself

Bonus picture because I couldn't decide between the two

Anyhorseyride, after the carousel was done, we headed off to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner. I am not a fan of the Cheesecake Factory's food (there's so much on the menu that it takes forever to read and they don't do anything on the menu particularly well), but their cheesecake is mostly worth the mediocre and over priced meal. My wife's pleasure at getting a slice gluten free Godiva Chocolate Cheesecake makes up for the difference.

Anylongsetupanddigression, I told you all that to tell you this. After dinner, we cut through Barnes & Noble to get back to the main part of the mall to get to the place where we had parked. As we headed through, M&M spotted a lego table that B&N has thoughtfully set up to distract young tricycle motors while their parents become self absorbed in dead trees. Right next to the lego table (which M&M had more fun making mommy and daddy build something as opposed to doing it herself "Daddy, sit here." [patting a way to small cushion that put my knees around my ears {thus continueth my love affair with parentheticals!}]) was a clothing rack holding children's costumes for dress up play. They had firemen costumes complete with fire extinguisher and helmet, construction worker, cowboy/cowgirl, princess...and these two:

Now, here's what I find odd. Notice first the pirate outfit: the first thing you see is a big (for a kid) freakin' sword (which, for those of you educated in government schools like me, is A WEAPON). Notice the police officer uniform: badge, handcuffs, radio, ticket, hat, belt. No gun. Where's the freakin' gun? Is this England? Is that supposed to be a British Bobby outfit? This is 'Murica. Cops carry guns here. What kind of PC el toro fertilizer is this?

So, what's the message here? "Hey kids, it's okay to stab your friends when you play pirates and helpless victims but we can't point a fake gun at your friends when you play cops and self employed wealth redistributionists." Oh, and while on this subject, there was a distinct lack of Indian outfits. Also, the cowboy/cowgirl outfits lacked guns or knives. Apparently, the wild west for this generation is more mild than wild.

I feel sorry for kids these days and M&M in particular. 

Random Update and Stuff

Life, it seems, is never content with it's usual hectic pace. No, it has to find new and interesting ways to blow past the cops at warp 9 with the stereo blaring at 11!!!

First up, The Cutest Little Girl In The World (TM) got her first haircut last week. She was completely unphased by the whole event. Mimi was present as were several older ladies getting their hair done as well. One and all commented that M&M was so well behaved. The stylist was surprised that she sat through the entire thing without fuss or moving her head around.

The Queen was proud and justifiably so. It's her efforts in training M&M on a daily basis with lots of love and attention that get us the results that seem to mystify some people.

Case on point: we went for a stroll around the Granbury square on Sunday and stopped in a coffee shop for something warm to drink. It was around about M&M's nap time. We told her it was nap time. She asked to be rocked for a bit by both of us and then said "Bet." (bed). We put her coat down on the booth for warmth, and she promptly laid down and slept for an hour. She slept through the little boy her own age who came in, running around, hooping and hollering and making his parents crazy. She slept through us getting up, putting coats on and picking her up to leave. The mother of the little boy asked us how we do it. We told her, and she looked at us like we were aliens. People think it can't be done with their child, but it can. All it takes is patience, firmness, love and consistency.

I will get a picture of this sooner or later, but I saw a sign for a business that was amusing:

               Marian's Perfume Shop
               Concrete Tools
               Janitorial Supplies
               Plumbing Supplies

Seems like an odd mix to me.

Moving along to movements. M&M is well into her potty training now. She's really pretty good about telling us when she needs to go with or without a diaper. We're not quite ready for all night without a diaper, but we are making progress. The Queen did have a brilliant idea though. She bought a second potty chair for the royal chariot. Now, anytime M&M needs to go, The Queen pulls over, pops the rear lift gate, sets her on her throne, lets nature call and then gets back on the road.

I thought it was brilliant.

In other news, M&M's bladder can hold a surprising amount of liquid. Unsurprisingly, there is very little time between consumption and elimination.

I love that little girl.

In other news, customer service continues to be a dying and almost lost art. I went into two locally owned stores over the weekend to have a peek and was completely turned off by the lack of customer service.

The first experience was a stop into a western store to look for a new pair of boots. I despise most country music with a passion reserved only for child molesters and inconsiderate drivers; however, I have come to terms with the fact that a good pair of cowboy boots are about the most comfortable footwear on the planet for a man. I had a problem with plantar fasciitis about 18 months ago. Nothing helped until I bought a pair of boots. Problem solved. I even go through airline security in those having learned the fine art of pulling those things off without a boot jack.

Anyway, I was looking for a pair of brown boots to give my black ones a break. I walked into the store which was not terribly busy and appeared to be staffed by three or four younger people (late teens to early twenties). The employees were congregated around the cash register and appeared to be engrossed in something on the computer or the desk (I never got close enough to investigate). I aimed for the men's boots and started looking for my size. Finally, after a few minutes of looking clueless, a young man separated himself from the herd and came over to ask if he could help. I explained that I was looking for 10 1/2 to 11 and inquired if they had wide widths in stock. He explained that he had very few, if any, wide sizes and promptly shambled off to rejoin the herd.

No offer of further assistance. No inquiry as to exactly what I was looking for. No suggestion of alternate options. Not even a "sorry, have you thought about putting your feet in a vice?"

The second experience was worse than the first. I was driving along and saw, out of the corner of my eye, the siren song of "GUNS, TACTICAL, ARCHERY, AMMO" painted on a store front window with a blinking, neon open sign that I had not seen previously. A hasty U-turn later, and I was promising The Queen that I would only be a second or two.

At the most.

Turns out I was over estimating my time needs by a factor of double at least.

There was a few boxes of 12 gauge. Several items of camouflage gear for hunting. And not much else. I walked in and spotted a gentleman behind the counter. I was the only customer in the place. The guy behind the counter was on the phone with a distributor catalogue out on the counter in front of him to a page showing an AR-15. Not once did he acknowledge my presence. Not a "I'll be with you in a minute." Not a "Hello." Not even a grunt.

I left.

Oh, and I met GunDiva. Finally, after "knowing" each other on blog for about four years, I happened to be in her state for business a couple of weeks ago. She's a very nice person. I was disappointed that I didn't get to meet Bill, Juanita or Jay, but I did get to meet her sister. GunDiva even brought me a half dozen cookies (which were YUMMY!!!) and a gift for M&M (a copy of the children's book her husband Jay wrote and illustrated...it's way cool).