Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Thou Shalt Not Wear Makeup

I've been recalcitrant in posting my musings lately mainly because I've been doing to many more important things like working and sleeping. It's a shame that the truly mundane things in life take up so much time and get in the way of more exciting adventures like dusting and vacuuming the office. But, I digress as usual.

I've written a few posts taking aim at horse thieves so far. It's time that I took a pot shot at preachers.

I must have led fairly Hedonistic childhood for the youngest child of a nominally Protestant household as I have very few memories of my youth. The memories I do have involve pain and misery to a greater or lesser degree. I find this state of affairs perplexing as I thought those were the memories that were supposed to get repressed only to be recovered in therapy years later. Instead, I get to keep the memories of my grandfather "teaching" me to "fix" a motorcycle by having me hold the spark plug wire while he cranked the motor and other less than joyous occasions. I'm hoping that your life really does flash before your eyes at the end so that I can get the instant replay on the fun things I missed out on remembering the first go around.

To paraphrase Bill Cosby, I told you that to tell you this. I must have slept through several Sunday school classes or generally just didn't pay much attention to the subject of makeup since I'm a guy; but, until about 3 years ago, I had no idea that there was a controversy relating to the spiritual well being of people who wear makeup. I say people and not just women as it has come to my attention that there are some freaks with a Y chromosome that indulge in Mary Kay and Maybeline.

Much to my surprise, there is just such a controversy. You would think that there are bigger salvational fish to fry, but this is apparently a for real "Baptists don't dance and drink but Methodists do" issue.

There are churches and ministers who take the position that there is nothing wrong with a woman using a little makeup. On a side note, if Tammy Faye Baker wears a little makeup, I'd hate to see what a lot of makeup is. On the other hand, there are churches and ministers who take the position that the Bible condemns the use of makeup as a sign of harlotry and that wearers of such vile adornments are in danger of eternal damnation for their sin.

Before I get too much further on this subject, allow me to fully disclose my personal feelings as a man on makeup:

1) Men should never wear makeup. End of story.

2) Ladies, be considerate to your man. Strawberry flavored lipstick isn't. Foundation and blush tastes like clay pancakes with a 30 grit sandpaper syrup. The truth is that makeup tastes nasty, and there is no way for a man to avoid it when there is some serious kissin' to be done.

3) 99% of the women on the planet are beautiful just the way God made them. Makeup won't help the other 1%.

4) There are better things on which to spend your money.

5) There is a fine line between just a little and too much.

Now, back to our story. I've read the Bible cover to cover, and I even took the time to actually study what the Book has to say on the subject of make up. It doesn't take long as there are not very many verses even remotely related to the subject. The first thing you will find is that there is not one single verse in the entire Bible saying, "Thou shalt not wear makeup."

I know that some people who are more passionate about this issue than I am will argue that makeup is a sign of vanity, vanity is sin, and so on. If that's the case, we all need to become Amish and wear plain clothing, stop wearing jewelry, stop driving cars as a symbol or personal wealth and/or expression, and stop spending all our time at the gym trying to make our bodies buff (yeah, right - like I do any of that).

I believe in a wiser and smarter than me God and what I've read in the Bible supports that belief. God says what He means and means what He says. He makes sure to address the really important things like don't murder folks or sleep with their spouses. If God doesn't see fit to mention a subject or take a stand on it, I think it's a safe bet that my eternal salvation isn't on the line one way or the other. So, can we get back to more important things like getting Baptists to recognize each other at the liquor store.

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