Thursday, May 27, 2010

Whole Foods Employment Requirements

Tonight was a shopping night. The Queen and I needed a few items to tide us over the weekend until payday Monday. Technically, because of the Memorial Day holiday on Monday, my paycheck will actually hit the bank tomorrow; but, for planning purposes, I budget against the 15TH and 31ST.

When you are as sensitive, chemically and otherwise, as The Queen, you tend to gravitate to foods that have been adulterated as little as possible. As a side benefit, most of Whole Foods suppliers are either local or American meaning my money stays in the US economy instead of going to Mexico or China. Given The Queen's nutritional needs, we shop almost exclusively at Whole Foods Market because of their greater selection of organic produce and grass fed meats. As a result, I am at the Whole Foods near The Queen's castle at least once a week.

In the course of my adventures to Whole Foods, I've noticed something about the personnel hired by Whole Foods. Most notably, they are all strange in one form or another.

Now, I know I am probably one of the least strange people (let's not bring up the high school/college mullet) on the planet you are likely to meet. Not to mention the fact that I am unabashedly conservative in my outlook . So, it's quite possible that my view is slightly skewed; but, having properly disclosed my potential bias, I still think Whole Foods has an unusual set of criteria for hiring prospective employees.

1) First and foremost, it does not appear that you will be considered for employment at Whole Foods unless you have one or more tattoos and/or piercings. I have seen some pretty interesting ink at the local Whole Foods including a sleeve on one girl that includes a classic hot rod Rat Fink tat. Having seen her on several occasions in varying modes of dress, I can safely say she has the one or more requirement satisfied in both categories.

2) If you are female, your name must sound like you are next up on the main stage at the local strip club. I have yet to see a Barbara, Jane or something mundane, but there is a Cheyenne, Destiny, Bambi and Thumper. Just kidding about half of those. The other half are for real. My guess is they recruit at the topless clubs or vice versa. Maybe. I was never much of a fan of "gentleman's entertainment" establishments. So, I can't really say for sure.

3) If you are male, you must be gay. Flamingly and flamboyantly so. I haven't seen that many three dollar Bills in one place since the Oak Lawn Gay Pride Halloween parade I was talked into going to several years ago (I'm still trying to repress some of those memories). If you are straight, you can still work there, but you'll be hidden behind the meat counter. No exceptions.

4) You must be under the age of 40. Apparently, 40 is the new 30. Or 80. Or something like that. Whole Foods appears to think that anyone past age 40 doesn't need to be employed.

I hear Whole Foods is a pretty good company to work for with good benefits. Unfortunately, it doesn't look like I am qualified for employment despite my high school and college retail experience. I refuse to get a tattoo or a piercing. If God had wanted me to have either, He would have decorated my hide prior to delivery. I am not female; and, even if I were, I wouldn't have a good stripper name. I am definitely not gay, and I just turned 40.

Guess that means I'll have to look elsewhere for employment if my current gig takes a dirt nap.


  1. You'd think *snicker, snicker* that they gay men would WANT to work the meat counter!

    Dang, I crack myself up.

    I'm only partially qualified - I've got the ink, but certainly not a stripper name and I'm creeping up on 40.

  2. GunDiva, you would be so wrong. Getting blood and, Eewww, other stuff under your freshly manicured nails or on your...whatever the hell it is gay men wear as a fashion statement just will not do. Besides, having to go home to another man and tell him you saw something bigger in the sausage case will kill a relationship (and an appetite) quicker than going straight.

  3. Hadn't thought about it from that point. Again, I bow to your superiority.


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