Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Signs You Are Going Completely Mental

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I don't know exactly who they are, but they've never spent much time in the Erickson household. While it is true that trying to get a different result by doing something the same way can be described as being a tad mental, you must find ways to do things completely differently and expect the same result to be truly touched in the head.

It's only 8:30 AM; and, already, I've managed to make a running start at going
completely insane.

My normal day starts when I wake up between 6:00 and 7:00 AM depending on how tired I was the night before and how late I got to sleep. I usually have great intentions of getting to bed by 10:00 on work nights; but, in this house, I'm usually lucky to be dead to the world by 11:00 or 11:30. In the mornings, I have about a half hour to an hour and a half before The Queen awakes. Since The Queen is more or less bedridden, that means someone (that would be me) has to fix her breakfast which consists of a vegetable and broth soup with meat thrown in for protein. This has been the way of life in the Erickson household for several years now. You would think that the routine would be hard wired into my brain by now.

Oh, you would be so wrong.

This morning started out normally and innocently enough. After yet another post 11:00 PM bedtime, I arose at my somewhat normal 7:00 AM. The cats get fed before anything else happens unless you want to listen to them complain loudly and/or claw at your face (if you're lying down) or try and trip you (if you're standing up).

After taking care of normal morning constitutionals, I stumble into my office to fire up both computers and see if the world is still there. At 7:30, The Queen calls to let me know she is awake and in need of food. This should have been my first warning that things were amiss. She rarely wakes before 8:00 and can sometimes sleep until 9:00. Normal SOP is for me to start fixing her soup at 8:00 so it will be ready for her by 8:30.

So, I stumble into the kitchen to fix her the mystery soup of the morning (we try to vary the vegetables involved so she doesn't get bored - this morning was green peas, spinach, onion and radish). Things went well until I poured the soup into the blender to puree it. Despite the fact that I was holding the lid of the blender down and it was only 1/3 full, I was rewarded with hot soup belched in every direction when I hit the button. Strike one for today's amusements.

As an aside relevant to this story, I normally go ahead and fix myself some breakfast while making The Queen's soup. Usually, it's either fruit or a bowl of yogurt with granola and chocolate chips. This morning I did both.

Unfortunately, I left my yogurt bowl right next to The Queen's empty soup bowl. I have no idea what my eyes were seeing at that particular moment as my brain has failed to record the images for posterity; however, once I had successfully finished pureeing the soup, I somehow managed to pour the hot soup into my cold yogurt. Yogurt and granola mixed with green veggie soup is in no way, shape or form appetizing. Strike two for the morning.

Next up, The Queen needed her water bottle refilled. This is normal on any given morning. The water is in the kitchen where most sane people would expect it to be. So why, for the love of monkeys flinging poo, was I merrily trotting off to my office to refill her water bottle? What the Hell????

As a side benefit, The Queen laughed so hard she almost blew soup out her nose when I told her that one. It would have been funny to get a picture of her blowing technicolor snot out her nose. But, I digress.

Anyway, as I now attempt to start my work day without further disaster, all I hear in my head is the song "I'm Going Slightly Mad" by Queen. And, because I am the sharing type, I will leave you with the lyrics so you too can hear the softly crooned words of Freddie Mercury gently bouncing around the inside of your head for the rest of the day.

When the outside temperature rises
And the meaning is oh so clear
One thousand and one yellow daffodils
Begin to dance in front of you - oh dear
Are they trying to tell you something?
You're missing that one final screw
You're simply not in the pink my dear
To be honest you haven't got a clue
I'm going slightly mad
I'm going slightly mad
It finally happened - happened
It finally happened - ooh oh
It finally happened - I'm slightly mad
Oh dear!
I'm one card short of a full deck
I'm not quite the shilling
One wave short of a shipwreck
I'm not at my usual top billing
I'm coming down with a fever
I'm really out to sea
This kettle is boiling over
I think I'm a banana tree
Oh dear, I'm going slightly mad
I'm going slightly mad
It finally happened, happened
It finally happened uh huh
It finally happened I'm slightly mad - oh dear!
I'm knitting with only one needle
Unravelling fast its true
I'm driving only three wheels these days
But my dear how about you?
I'm going slightly mad
I'm going slightly mad
It finally happened
It finally happened oh yes
It finally happened
I'm slightly mad!
Just very slightly mad!
And there you have it!

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